The Dumb Money And Other Inappropriate Advice
Andrew Miller
2007-09-23
Real True Confessions With Padre Pienbique The word on the street is Led Zeppelin is reuniting for a show at Wembley Stadium. Van Halen is back on tour, and surprise, Ozzy is hitting the road. Add in the Rush show I just saw, the Police picking the pockets of fans every where, Jethro Tull probably out doing whatever it is they do, and I think we’ve just had the finest summer of concerts since 1979. Or maybe I should say it’s still 1979 somewhere. Now, if I were to offer some advice to these folks (if it was actually 1979) I would say: Don’t blow your present fortunes fertilizing your booger farms. It pays dick in dividends, and besides, you’ll just have to go back to work in eighteen years, squeezing ne’er-do-wells for $85.50 a seat. Although there’ll just enough rubes to mostly fill up the Excel Center, you’re going to feel silly wearing tight pants with a bum prostate. That, among a thousand other reasons, is why nobody with money would ever ask me for anything, save “Can you put an extra coat of wax on that, son?” Poor folks, the downtrodden, and the just plain loony ask me for advice all the time. Proving once again that you get what you pay for, Vegas betting, cheating and the vehicular preference of hippie chicks receives due diligence this month. THE DUMB MONEY Q: Dearest Padre- Why do the Vikings do things like blow against the Lions? I lost money, and kinda feel you’re partly responsible. A: Troubled Son- One of the hardest facts anyone has to learn is that no matter how diligently they study something, one just cannot know everything about anything. Or in my case, know anything about anything, at all, at all. This has come as something of a shock. I spend an inappropriate amount of time reading about, peeking at film, and even more sadly, listening to podcasts concerning all things NFL. Okay. I understand your disgust. I know it’s a waste- but it’s my waste of time, and you’re waste of money. There’s also a lesson and more importantly, money to be made in the following paragraphs. For as long as I’ve loved football, I’ve sat around with the a couple friends and the Vegas line out of the sports page, taking turns calling out predictions on Sunday’s games. While I can tell you exactly why somebody will win or lose (Carolina’s defense is short on safeties, and the nickel back has a gimpy knee- take the points, etc…) I have the amazing ability to pick the exact wrong team, every time. And I mean every time. My friend, I call him The Court House, asked me who to lay some money on before Monday Night Football this week. It was the Redskins at division rival Philadelphia Eagles, and the line was the Eagles by 6 ½ points. I pointed out that although Redskins defensive coordinator Gregg Williams will have a good defense someday, he hasn’t shown it yet. Besides, Eagles QB Donavon McNabb has a knack for the big games. And it doesn’t get much bigger than squaring off against division rivals on Monday night. To make a dumb story short, I had a… ummm, smoke before the game and dozed off on the couch before the first quarter ended. When I woke up, the Redskins had beaten the Eagles 20-12. Seems I forgot to take in the critical information that McNabb hasn’t recovered from knee surgery, thus he can’t plant his foot when throwing. Several of his passes sailed on him, usually on 3rd down. No bueno. Most folks would hide this secret shame. Most folks would do the sensible thing and say “sorry” for giving bad advice or at least stop making predictions. Not me. First off, I’m a shill for the Vikings, and you ought to know that. What you do with your cash is your biz. If you need a suggestion on throwing yer hard-earned ching away, feel free to make a tax-deductible donation to: Padre Pienbique Ministries, 666 Koreshian Way, Waco, TX, 55555. Otherwise I would say sorry, I can’t help be foolish. But for you, I’ll open up the books on my foolproof predictions. All you have to do is bet the exact opposite of what I pick. Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to introduce: The Dumb Money! I pickem’, and you bet the farm on the opposite. To prove I’m not talking out my ass, by the time you read this, this weekend’s games will be over. All you have to do is check the results, note how I screwed everything up, run to the ATM, and get ready for the next edition of The Dumb Money. AWAY HOME FAVORED/LINE PADRE PICKS
COLTS @ TEXANS COLTS-6 COLTS CHARGERS @ PACKERS CHARGERS-4 ½ CHARGERS VIKINGS @ CHIEFS CHIEFS- 2 ½ VIKINGS LIONS @ EAGLES EAGLES- 6 LIONS BILLS @ PATRIOTS PATRIOTS- 16 ½ BILLS DOLPHINS @ JETS JETS- 3 JETS* 49ER’S @ STEELERS STEELERS- 9 49ER’S CARDINALS @ RAVENS RAVENS- 8 CARDINALS RAMS @ BUCCANEERS BUCCANEERS- 3 ½ RAMS JAGUARS @ BRONCOS BRONCOS- 3 BRONCOS BENGALS @ SEAHAWKS SEAHAWKS- 3 ½ BENGALS BROWNS @ RAIDERS RAIDERS- 3 RAIDERS PANTHERS @ FALCONS PANTHERS- 3 PANTHERS GIANTS @ REDSKINS REDSKINS- 4 REDSKINS COWBOYS @ BEARS BEARS- 3 COWBOYS TITANS @ SAINTS SAINTS- 4 TITANS (* I picked the Jets solely because Jon Schwartz, my Dark Sith Master, will hurt me in ways only a 0-16 season from the Vikes could if I didn’t. So be it- J-E-T-S!) For weekly advice on how not to bet, check my dumb Myspace site.
Just click under the blog section- Padre’s Pick: The Dumb Money and the current week.
Hope this helps! Drink your milk,
Padre Pienbique THE SOUND OF ONE HAND SLAPPING Q: Padre, oh Padre-
Can you settle this once and for all… If I cheat on my girlfriend, and she never finds out, is it still wrong? A: Troubled Son-
This is why I’m glad my wife never reads anything I write. Not that I’m going to tell you “From personal experience…” but, there’s almost no right answer I could give that would leave the back door open for me when the lights go out. That is, after I climb over my stuff she threw out on the lawn. Now, this is a variation of the old “If a tree falls in the forest” quandary, just a little more saucy. Perhaps, “If I bang a drunken MILF in her minivan, and nobody in the parking lot notices…” But then again, trees in the forest don’t have cell phones, email accounts or myspace pages to send sensitive information to at unfortunate times. And that’s what this is all about, no? There’s just no way of saying “if she never finds out” anymore. I’ve witnessed the best philanderers get busted with just one email, text message or unexpected phone call when they were in the shower and their better half picked up their cell. (And if you have one of those Nextel walkie-talkies, you’re an idiot if even ponder this aloud.) There’s no hiding from your past, especially when the skeleton in your closet is draped in a Cleveland Steamer. Keep in mind, Clinton got busted and he had a personal army of Secret Service agents that liked his wife even less than him. But if this is your bag, then follow the Cheater’s Three Golden Rules: 1) Use cash, and cash only. Debit and credit cards tell the world (and mail-snooping girlfriends) exactly where you’ve been and when you’ve been there. The idea is to make it all a non-event. But as stated before, nobody listens. So when you think you’ve got a clever reason to explain the $68 tab at a bar across town, think again. And if you think you’ve got that lie straight, you’ve got another thing coming. Which leads us to… 2) Don’t tell lies; tell selective truths. This is the old lawyer trick. If a guy is on trial for murder, his council will avoid the night of the crime, even if he’s innocent. Instead, they’ll point out what he was doing every other night of his life- nights that he certainly wasn’t out burying a knife in someone’s throat. (Probably in the throat of the poor sucker that was banging his girlfriend.) If she asks what you were doing on Thursday night, don’t tell her a flat-out lie. The problem with lies is that once you tell one, you’ve got to tell five more to cover it up. Let’s say you tell her you were out with a friend. Let’s call him “Monte”. Now you’ve got to casually mention to Monte that if she asks about last Thursday, he’s got to say “…” Now you’re fucked on two fronts: First, she may or may not buy it. And if she does, for how long? Second, if she suspects long enough, maybe Monte might decided to confide his guilt in her. To add insult to injury, maybe Monte will decide it’s more fun to consol her with a little four-play: Three bottles of wine and a pickle-tickle. See where I’m going with this, you lying, cheating, diddle-monkey? 3. Think twice, slap once. Jimmy Carter said in Playboy he had committed adultery in his heart. Even though the President claimed a six-foot rabbit attacked him while fishing, not to mention he had the audacity to kiss the Queen Mother on her lips, I believe him when he said his lust didn’t travel eighteen inches south. Perhaps his all-powerful Presidential hand did. (As in the ol’ pocket veto, if ya know what I mean…) Anyways, every gambler knows the secret to surviving is knowing what to throw away, and knowing what to keep. Since you already bothered to get this gal, what’s the hurry to go behind her back when you can just go home, take a shower and rub one out? No phone calls, no questions, no problems… Drink your milk!
Padre Pienbique ASS, GAS, OR GRASS- NOBODY RIDES FOR FREE Q: Padre-
Although I drive a decent car, what kind of wheels do hippie chicks really like? A: Troubled Son-
Good question, but it’s just a hair off the mark. What you mean to ask is: “What do hippie chicks like to do in cars? And if you know that, what kind of cars suits that purpose best?” An even better question! Now the real answer is that hippie chicks do whatever it is everybody else that is in a car does, like go to the grocery store, or better yet, the barley-pop shop. But you’re looking for something… exceptional. Trust me, exceptional people, like hippie chicks, like to do everything other exceptional people do in cars- smoke dope, crank bitchin’ tunes, maybe shag a bit. Thus, what you want is commonly known to your mother and her salty friends as a “Fuck Truck.” The classic is an ’83 Dodge Van, complete with captain’s chairs so you look like James T. Kirk while holding a Rush (or Van Halen, Jethro Tull, Ozzy, Police, Led Zeppelin) CD stacked with blow. Meanwhile she foolishly frets on the fold-away love-pad until her annoying friend finally leaves to go to the potty. (If the van is a-rockin’, don’t bother knockin’…) But hippie girls, along with the rest of the world, have moved beyond the set from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Okay, maybe not that far. Personal experience has taught me that the cousin to the ’83 Dodge Van, the White Ford V10 Passenger Van that each and every tour band uses, fits all these needs and more, save one drawback: They tend to smell like the worst parts of their inhabitants. No good. My best advice? It’s the man, not the machine. (But a Mercedes Bens never hurts…) Drink your milk (and brush your teeth, trim your nose hairs, etc.)
Padre Pienbique RECIPE OF THE MONTH I was over at the Big Wu’s webmaster’s house getting a DAT deck to mix the Japan tour where I found webmaster Nate in a usual position: Sitting in his ass-groove on the couch, watching Family Guy (thus the “Fricken Sweet” in the title). The high life indeed! He was dipping corn chips in a bowl of red something and munching away. I finally took a chip, bit, and then double-dipped (it’s okay at Nate’s house.) The chili was reminiscent of something I had on the road- Skyline Chili, a chain of chili shacks started by a Greek around Cincinnati- oh the memories! Although it’s priced to be cheap, Chris Castino could run up a tap that would make John Goodman blush. Skyline Chili Dogs are topped with the house chili- and that’s topped with at least a baseball glove’s worth of shredded cheddar. Yowza! The kink with Cincinnati-style chili is cinnamon. It gives the chili a sweet and tangy flavor when mixed with the cumin. If you haven’t had it, give it a try. If you’re so unfortunate to be a vegetarian, just replace the meat with whatever funny substitute you, um, enjoy. (It’s my understanding that Bacos has no actual bacon in it. I don’t know if I’m endorsing it or just pondering the horrors of a bacon-free world. Life is full of risk…) Likewise, if your caught short on bison, just put in what you want. Same with jalapeno powder- regular jalapenos will work just fine. Details are not to fussed over; it’s chili, and it’s football season. Enjoy… Webmaster Nate's Fricken Sweet Hot Chili Ingredients:
The Meat: (Exact types of meat aside from the bacon and sausage are not
important just approximately 4-4.5 lbs total.. below is what I used in
this batch)
1 lb Bacon
1.3 lb Mild Sausage
1.1 lb Meatloaf pack (1/3 Beef, 1/3 Pork, 1/3 Veal)
1 lb Ground Bison (great because it is naturally lean) The Veggies:
1 Whole Sweet Onion
1 Whole Green Pepper
2 Whole Sweet Orange Peppers
2 big cans (28 oz. each) Whole Peeled Tomatos
1 cup of good pasta sauce (or 1 can of tomato paste.. I used sauce) The Spices: (I added for visible effect.. exact amounts are guessed from
memory but the proportions should be about right at least)
1/2 cup Chili Powder (I had good imported mexican)
1/3 cup Cumin Powder
1/8 cup Cayenne Pepper (the spiciest.. more if you want more burn)
1/2 t Jalepeno Powder (also good imported mexican)
1 t Paprika Powder
1 T Cinnamon
1 T Ginger Powder
1 T Garlic Powder
1 t Wasabi Powder
1+ cup Brown Sugar (I used imported cane brown in cone form)
~6 T Extra Virgin Olive Oil The Prep:
* Cook all of the bacon until it is crispy (it must crumble in your
hands.. not chewy) draining as must grease as possible away.
* Chop up all of the veggies (cept the cans ;) into dime sized or smaller
pieces.
* Brown all of the remaining meet together in the flying pan you cooked
the bacon in. When the meet is mostly browned but not finished crumble
in about half of the cooked bacon and finish browning. Remove as much
grease/liquid as you can. set aside off heat when done. The Process: (stirring often all the way through)
* In your big pot put the olive oil in (enough to cover the bottom with
about 1/8 inch deep and about 2/3 of the brown sugar
and heat on low heat (5 out of 10 on my electric.. as low-medium on gas)
let the brown sugar dissolve into the oil but not boil.
* Add all of the onion and peppers and simmer on low until onions
are starting to brown and shrink but veggies are not yet sloppy.
* Add all cold spices (Wasabi, Garlic, Ginger, Cinnamon) to this simmer
mix thoroughly and cook a bit longer (you still want your peppers crisp but
they will start to brown)
* Add the entirety of the browned meat to the pot and stir together
thoroughly. Cook for a bit ( a minute or three just to get the whole deal
warm if the meat has been sitting for a while and get the veggie juices
seeping in to the meat )
* Add both cans of Tomatos. If you have a really sharp knife you
probably want to try to break up the larger chunks of tomato into no
larger than quarter size or smaller. Stir together.
* Add the pasta sauce (or tomato paste) Stir Together.
* Add all of the rest of the spices (only remaining ingredients after this
will be half the bacon and the rest of the brown sugar) Stir Together.
* Simmer on low-medium until oils start to bubble out the top.
* Add the rest of the brown sugar and crumble in the rest of the bacon.
Stir Together
* Continue to simmer for as long as you like. The Chili is pretty much
done now but will improve the longer you cook it. Stir Often making
sure nothing sticks to the bottom of the pot. Also (**important**)
periodically siphon off as much oil/grease from the top of the chili as
you can (it will pool as it sits) TADA!!! If the temp (spice) is not quite right you can always add more
Brown Sugar to cool or more Cayenne, Chili or Jalepeno to heat.
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