2008 Presidential Election Primer: It’s Not As Bad As You Think…
Andy Miller
2008-10-22
Real True Confessions With Padre Pienbique Happy election season folks- the one Great American Get Together that we can’t wait to run its course, only to wish would happen again because the day after, we realize what terrible and tragic horrors we’ve brought upon ourselves. But before we get to the fun: My friend, former roadie and now independent California horticulturalist wanted to chime in with the kind of story that only happens in Los Angeles. Take it away, Matt McQueen- Here you go Andy- This is gonna be interesting. I'm hungover and typing this on my phone so bear with me. “Bathead: Its What's For Dinner” September 19, Beverly Hills, Ca: Its not often you find yourself in a high end restaurant and bar stinking of weed when Wolfgang Puck fights his way between E! News cameras only to find a rich, hot piece of ass so talented the whole staff didn't know or care who it was, turned out to be Heidi Montag from the hills on MTV. Never have I seen such ass kissing and I know a guy named Al. We are seated and more noises from the pointless gallery… more wading through cameras a quick glance at Wolfgang… We were seated and ordering, here's when it gets good. Our appetizers come out and I look up and say " Holy shit, Ozzy Osbourne just walked in the door!" There he was, hunched over and stumbling in the restaurant only to be seated next to me… and mumbling something when Sharon walked in, (by the way, she is pretty short.) Now I'm not one to be star struck; but fuck man, we are talking about Ozzy here. No I didn't go up to him because it's rude and I was eating my 16 oz bone in filet mignon (which was delicious by the way.) This is what got me: Their table ordered some appetizers, mini tacos and mini burgers. Now it doesn’t sound funny, but when you are watching the man who bit the head off a live bat nibble at a mini taco, enough said. Ozzy got up and couldn't find the bathroom so a server led him to the staff bathroom through the kitchen: It was like a live demonstration of alzheimers. Anyway it's always impressive to be in the presence of greatness, keep that in mind next time you see me. Thank you McQueen! (P.S.: Matt wrote me last week ago to tell me he ran into Jay-Z at the same place. Poor staff. At least R. Kelly didn’t want to use the bathroom…) George W. Bush. John Kerry. George Dukakis. These are three of the worst offerings we’ve had over the several elections. There’s no disputing this: Two of them lost like the losers they are and one was somehow- inexplicitly- elected twice. Now the nation will never stop regretting it. I haven’t even brought up Al Gore, who makes the mind recoil, not just as a candidate, but as a pompous ass dressed up to do little more than blow an election like a Global Warming Donkey Show. Be it simple chance or just an unquenchable thirst to keep rolling the dice in search of an all-forgiving payoff, we finally got it right. For the first time in my life: Simple, God-fearing Americans have a choice between two reputable candidates. The above is one of the few sentences I had to think twice about before writing. But fuck it- it’s my story and I’m gonna explain it. Nobody else is this dumb. Although the basis of political discussion these days via Anderson Cooper or Bill O’Reilly can’t be underestimated in terms of dumb and dumber, I have yet to see one person on CNN concede that America will still be a country if the opposite guy wins. But I’m here to tell you that by accident or providence, we got it right when these two won their respective nominations. Of course, there’s no guarantee that neither of these two aren’t the Anti-Christ, or Latter Day Herbert Hoovers/Jimmy Carters, but in this day and age, we’ll take our chances. Ever since George W. Bush proved that anybody can the President of the United States of America. He also verified by default that we don’t necessarily need one either. So what I have compiled is a simple compare-and-contrast in four parts to break down the candidate’s prospective views. Because I don’t trust any political media besides Daniel Schorr, (Edward R. Murrow’s last-standing champion of actual journalism) I’m going to boldly use each candidate’s website as my primary source for judgment- as long as they’re referring to themselves. We don’t have time to weigh the general demerits of their sucker punches. The four categories are: 1. Top 5 Issues They Posted: Taking not only what the issues are, but where they landed on their Top 5. They not only chose the “what”, but the “where”. We’ll take a look at the “why”. 2. The Party Line: Historically, each party props their pet issues above others. So let’s look and see if their Top 5 views tow the traditional party line or put issues through the 2008 Presidential Tilt-N-Screw to further define or blur further for their respective advantage. 3. Draw The Line: In support of, or despite the party line above, let’s see how far McCain or Obama will bend over before realizing they’re reaching for the soap the other guy dropped in the shower. If you’ve ever been in a car accident you’ll understand that brakes are ultimately more important than how fast you can go. 4. The Record Vs. The Delivery: This is where I’ll guess both will do the most slipping. Promises of a solid BJ pale if your date has steadily refused a little glad-handing in the past. Hope is just another four-letter word if she tops it off with talk of anything kinkier. I flipped a coin to see who goes first, with alternating honors to follow. THE PRESIDENTIAL TOP 5: 1. OBAMA: CIVIL RIGHTS- A no-brainer, Barack has no interest in ignoring the… um… white elephant in the room. He’s breaking ground in several important ways, even though I’m not alone in thinking that the most curious element of his remarkable campaign is his meteoric rise to the nomination, not his race. In his own way, he’s telling everybody that he can’t elect himself, so if a group of folks have ever gotten crapped on, they can get their asses to the polls and do something about it. Ironically, he’s been able to get minorities to vote as a majority. Nice way to clear the air while filling the room. McCAIN: ECONOMY- Even the first and smarter George Bush had this turn on him. (“It’s the economy, stupid!” – James Carville, Clinton strategist) This is a double-edged sword for the Republicans. The long held rule of elections is that when all the chips have been pushed into the pot, folks vote their pocketbook. But after eight years of suffering a Republican Spend-A-Thon chasing a bearded, goat-fucking ghost in the hills of Bumfuck, Nowhere combined with lackluster production at home, Democrats are starting to look thrifty. Counteracting a semi-successful ad campaign by the Dems that McCain is a Bush Stooge, Viet-John is pushing his brand of slash-and-burn budget policies with some muster. 2. McCAIN: ENERGY POLICY- Everybody knows they’re paying a lot for fuel, but only a few will voluntarily admit that hybred Toyotas and Al Gore movies won’t do shit in the short-to-medium span of years to come. With classic election year double-speak, McCain wants us to break our addiction to foreign oil while spiking the veins at home. To make matters weirder, he’s happy to offer big time tax breaks to those large, evil corporations to research clean energies. Never mind that it’s those same sinister conglomerates that will pave the way to a cleaner future (because we want to buy those) while getting a tax break (which we’re told is the ultimate evil of our time.) OBAMA: DEFENSE- Generally a Republican go-to issue, the current president has bungled this so badly, Democrats would be crazy not to pick this up. Barack is having a field day with promoting his idea of a 21st Century Army (whatever that is) while riding the concept that we don’t have to fight the world if we go back to having the world side with us. It’s true that he knows nothing of screaming “This is my rifle, this is my gun; This is for fighting, this is for fun!” but our current trigger-happy president doesn’t either. Bill Clinton never learned how to march, but that didn’t stop him from whipping out the armed forces on a monthly basis. Very chancy play for the Illinois Senator, but if elected, he’ll inherit a military that’s already in play. Good luck. 3. OBAMA: DISABILITIES- Ummmm… What? Let’s not forget that it was George H. W. Bush that signed the Americans With Disabilities Act in 1990. Wide ranging and regarded as pretty damn thorough, this is why your local municipally owned liquor store went through serious reconstruction in regards to the in/out doors a few years ago. Obama is all about inclusiveness, so I guess this is what happens when you let your campaign manager’s nephew or whatever tell you what’s important. Next time, pass him the potatoes and tell him to shut up. McCAIN: NATIONAL SECURITY- I’m not sure whether it was McCain’s Chuck Norris-esque reputation as a world-class hard case, Obama’s lack of experience, or our fear of a sinking DOW that caused something like national security to slip this far down his wish list. Perhaps it was nothing more than a flip of the coin. Either way, McCain doesn’t feel compelled to talk anymore about it than he has to (which is plenty, thank you.) Although he’ll have to deal with America’s current engagements pestering various Middle East stooges, he has no problem with telling us that Iran, along with anybody else that wants to wear the nuclear big boy pants, should fuck off. This is the natural and default position of America, and with good reason: Nukes are expensive. If you’re spending money on them instead of infrastructure, you’re playing a game you can’t afford to win… or lose. It doesn’t take a Harvard graduate to understand that most countries would greatly benefit from building their own economies, (thus building equity people don’t want nuked) rather than an arsenal they can’t afford to maintain, let alone use. 4. McCAIN: HEALTH CARE- Akin to Obama going for an early play on defense, McCain boldly goes where no Republican has willingly gone before: Health Fucking Care. He acknowledges that it broken, too many people don’t have insurance, and that perhaps they should. The fundamental difference between his plan and Obama’s is terrifically Republican: Competition for health dollars should drive the market within new governmental guidelines, as opposed to… well, just having government. While it can’t be guaranteed to have the unrelenting consistence of say, sappy episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, health care would greatly improve if tax breaks funded individual choice of plans, even if you or I change jobs. This would make government managed Health Savings Accounts a household word. And you thought Social Security was a fun toilet to flush your money down… OBAMA: ECONOMY- As stated before, “It’s the economy, stupid.” And with every liberal-leaning candidate before him, Obama plans to use the government as not only a battery to jump start (his words) the economy, but as a steering wheel to drive it into the ditch. The problem with the right using this argument is that the current Republican In Charge beat Obama to it. You see, Bill Clinton’s monkeys used the good times to loosen credit standards beyond responsible boundaries and Bush couldn’t reel them in because that would make Wild Bill look like more of a Responsible Republican than himself. In today’s windfall-to-pitfall economic climate, government oversight (read: selectively tax and spend) feels like a good thing. Either way, let’s not fool ourselves. The same people we just bailed out will be the first ones in line to help fix the problem they just got rich off of. Obama suggests we fork over another $50 billion to bail out, I mean jumpstart the economy- as long as you’re a state government employee or private vendor in danger of getting your ass cut from the payroll. 5. OBAMA: EDUCATION- He’s against it. Just kidding. He’s certainly for it, but it’s a fabulous example of the difference between price and cost. Obama correctly points out that W.’s infamous No Child Left Behind fell short of expectations because of two reasons: It was under-funded and under-governmented (is that a word?) Obama’s plan is to properly fund Bush’s failure. (Confused? Just wait, it gets weirder.) Unlike rock-n-roll, the design of Mercedes-Benz, and the brewing of fine beers such as Old Style, education is one of those things that are best left to government. If the federal government was in charge of the former three, we would all be stuck driving to a liquor store that only sells Bud Lite in a Yugo listening to Sonny & Cher. Not to mention it’ll be closed on Columbus Day. When it comes to the three R’s, uniform standards help us explain why some folks become ditch diggers, others make a fortune running porn sites, while a few go on to own baseball teams. As you can see, the above illustrates that work ethic is all one needs to dig a ditch. Opportunity paves the way to transform our fascination with boobs into producing filthy lucre. But it wasn’t education- or at least intelligence- that transformed a man that somehow lost money owning a baseball team into the dumbest president of our lifetime. In turn, Obama seeks to drop some knowledge bombs on the youth and fund the living bejeezus out of education. Which should be a good thing, no? As President, Barack has a plan that smells of B.S.- not because it doesn’t do enough good- but because it seeks to do too much good. Obama’s plan starts with voluntary, universal pre-school. Last time I checked, this was being instigated by my aunt teaching me how to spell my name with crayons and my older brother illustrating the finer points of chemistry by blowing up army men with lady fingers. No grand government plan needed. The madness goes on with various plans to somehow pay for child care; I was hoping the kids were in school, thus being watched. I could go on and on. Personally, I hated school and all its trappings. Really; I gave myself an education in getting the hell out of there without my parents finding out. That was free. McCAIN: IRAQ- It doesn’t matter who wins the keys to the White House Executive Crapper, they’ll both find Iraq to be the turd that just won’t flush… Keep pressing the handle and it just goes round and round, but never down the pipes. Shitty deal. Irony abounds everywhere in politics. Plenty of folks on both sides of the aisle want Iraqis to get on with their lives, on their own time. What McCain has gotten into his head is that what Middle East in general, and Iraq in particular, needs is more American Foreign Policy. It’s not that chunks of the Iraqi wouldn’t benefit from having the occupational allies keep some law and order, it’s keeping a degree of genocide at bay. But the fun starts when the first point of McCain’s website calls to “Push for Political Reconciliation and Good Government.” Fuq Iraq: We could use that right here at home. Except that political reconciliation in Iraq is impossible and good government everywhere else hasn’t exactly been an overwhelming success. Last time I checked, government (both “good” and “bad”) got everybody into this mess. Furthermore, I’m not really interested in seeing the U.S. unleash a “Hair Of The Dog” policy in countries that don’t really like us to start with. This may work on a personal level, (a foundation of my constitution) but I’m not a good model of citizenship, especially for a Muslim country that bans booze for fun. McCain goes on to rally the reconstruction of Iraq’s economy, which shouldn’t be hard as they are sitting on an unlimited supply of the very thing we’re paying through the nose for. All they have to do is turn on the fucking spigot. Which gives me an idea: Since we’re already imposing every other unsavory idea upon them, why don’t we pocket some black gold when they’re busy building “good governments” and enjoying “political reconciliation?” I’m sure nobody will notice if a few spare billion barrels fell off a truck. We can justify it as “building good will”, or if they protest, tribute for killing Saddam before ruining their fucking lives. On the bright side, both McCain and Obama understand that we can’t afford an additional showdown with Iran or Syria- even though they are both ripe for a good old-fashioned ass whoopin. But that’s where boring stuff like diplomacy comes in. I say “comes in” because it hasn’t been here in quite some time. But that’s what this is all about, isn’t it? Okay, that’s it. If nothing else, ignore the usual bullshit like: “McCain voted with Bush 90% off the time!” (Not on what you think) or “Obama is going to raise your taxes til you choke!” (Probably will, but so will McCain, so it’s a swindle on both sides.) Beyond that, go check out their Presidential Goofiness on their respective sites: www.johnmccain.com www.barackobama.com Drink your milk, Be nice to your mother Then go vote- It’s still free!
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