The United States of America to Break Up FOR GOOD
Brian Ferdman
2004-07-05
Yesterday afternoon, the State of New York posted a statement on the nation's web site, indicating that the Olympics will be the final gigs for the United States of America. Here is that statement in its entirety: "Last Friday night, I got together with Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, New Jersey, and all the other guys to talk openly about the strong feelings I've been having that United States of America has run its course and that we should end it now while it's still on a high note. Once we started talking, it quickly became apparent that the other guys' feelings, while not all the same as mine, were similar in many ways -- most importantly, that we all love and respect United States of America and our Americans far too much to stand by and allow it to drag on beyond the point of vibrancy and health. We don't want to become caricatures of ourselves, or worse yet, a nostalgia act. By the end of the meeting, we realized that after almost 228 years together we were faced with the opportunity to graciously step away in unison, as a group, united in our friendship and our feelings of gratitude." "So the Olympics will be the final American conquest. We are proud and thrilled that it will be in Greece because we love that feta cheese. For the sake of clarity, I should say that this is not like the Civil War, which was our last attempt to revitalize ourselves. We're done. It's been an amazing and incredible journey. We thank you all for the love and support that you've shown us."
Later that day, New York appeared on PBS' The Barney Lowes Show to further explain the United States of America's decision to break up after nearly 228 years together. The following is a transcript of that interview.
BARNEY LOWES: The State of New York is here. He is, as many of you know, a founding member of The United States of America, a nation Time Magazine has called the most important nation of the twentieth century. They began in 1776, engaging in a rebellion and slowly developing a devoted fan base, much as the British Empire had done a generation before, the 50 members of the United States of America achieved success through constant military and economic global domination. 228 years, 288 million people, and 11 major wars later, the nation has decided to call it quits. I'm pleased to welcome the State of New York to this table for the first time to talk about the American phenomenon, and the fact that they have come to the decision to stop. Can I get you to change your mind? NEW YORK: Umm...no, you won't be able to get me to, but you can get me to be sad, in a certain way, seeing that you know, um, but I know it is the right choice, I just know it is. BL: Why? NY: I think that, okay I'm going to say this, and I desperately want to show respect to our citizens who have been so great, beyond. And I know that people are confused by this probably to some degree. But if you step back and look at it, we started when I was 152. I'm almost 380 years old, I have an estimated 19,157,532 kids... so do the other guys; they have kids now. BL: China is over 3,000 years old and he's got more than a billion kids. NY: That's true. It's not that, I don't want to really put on it. It's a feeling for 85 years, the first 85 probably; it was the center of everything. We didn't build in any, we didn't build in vacations, or any place to have a life outside of America. And I see countries that last a long time. When we walked in, we were talking about Switzerland as an example. There are periods of time when he's been chillin', right? BL: He's in one of those periods right now. NY: He is. He rarely takes sides. Well we never really did that. And we have a large military and then this whole "We're a democracy...Let's set a shining example for the whole frickin' planet" crap. BL: So the family, it's a reason but not the real reason. NY: It's a reason. BL: You need to keep politically active in global affairs to support your moral imperative, that's a reason but not the real reason? NY: Well, I say that because I've been going through that over the last 139 years, is this the reason. And I think that it's at the point for the fifty of us, we wanted the United States of America-- we wanted it to be the center of everything. And when it is, it's so incredible. When it was, it was so incredible. The experience of the wars, when we spent several days enforcing our will upon third-world nations-- that was great. When we lived and breathed America, it was beyond intimate. It really was. And I don't know that the people who never came to America really could understand that. But I know the people who did come to America do. And I know that there's probably some anger now because we're taking that away. But what I saw happening was that it was going away naturally. We're all growing up and starting to have lives, so we're putting less and less effort into it. Look at how bad we're screwing stuff up now. And personally, I would like to see it respected by stopping. BL: I certainly don't want to put words into your mouth, but I hear you saying this thing that we had created was so much, we honored it so much, we believed in it, we sacrificed for it. It was enormously good to us. We had citizens that loved us and supported our global conquests, and each of them was a new experience. But what it might have come to is that you were not, in your own judgment, what you were doing now, it didn't have something that was there before. By the way, this is the part of the show where I ramble on, enjoying the sound of my own voice and also trying to impress you with my ability to get inside your head. Are you impressed yet? NY: Yeah. BL: So I can stop now? NY: Please do. BL: I mean, I'm really good at this, and I want you and everyone else out there to know that I can really get up inside your skin. NY: If you don't shut your piehole, I'm gonna get my foot up inside your ass. How ‘bout them apples? BL: To be honest, I don't think I'd care for those particular apples. NY: Meanwhile, back in the interview... BL: Ah, you were saying something about how something has been missing. And what was that? NY: And that was the hard thing to admit. BL: Don't be coy, New York. What was it? NY: Some kind of focus. I mean it started—this has been my opinion, the truth of what happened. We went through this War of 1812. We fought all year. We fought from-- we fought for almost three years. But the last year was the best. It was incredible, and it was, for me it was the greatest, it was the pinnacle. And when we came off the battlefield, I looked at Connecticut, my best friend, and just a state I love dearly, and we looked at each other and we both had tears in our eyes, maybe we should stop? It just felt like the wave had crashed into the shore. But we didn't. We went on for another 47 years. Then we took this Civil War hiatus as an attempt to revitalize. BL: You also tried to kill each other. NY: Yeah, I guess we did. But what family doesn't? BL: I would say most. NY: Don't make me hurt you, Lowes. I will cut you...and it will hurt. BL: Moving right along...so you came back... NY: And when we came back it was just different. You know, and um... BL: And you knew then. NY: I think so. BL: Well, you knew that it wasn't quite the same. NY: Not quite the same. BL: Not that it would end, but it wasn't quite the same. NY: And not to say that it isn't good still. But it was so good, and it was so beautiful and lucky. It was so lucky. We were so lucky. It just doesn't happen. I don't know, when I think about it... BL: The magic. NY: Yeah I, what happened? We were just these little thirteen colonies, and all the sudden, this? And uh, I want to look at it like that. And I look at all - when we were in our meeting on Friday talking about this. BL: The meeting called by you. NY: Called by me, yes, where I went in and I, pretty much I said I can't do this anymore. BL: Were they surprised? NY: Yep. BL: They were surprised. They knew it was coming, they thought, "We're going to talk about the Olympics, we're going to talk about something, business..." NY: They each thought we were going to talk about something else. They knew there was something going on, and it is important to acknowledge the fact that I've been incredibly tired over the last 140 years, and the thing has been wearing me down. And my family, everybody's been chiming in, you know, "you can't do this anymore, it's got to stop." So they weren't surprised that I called the meeting. As a matter of fact, the first thing out of Pennsylvania's mouth was, "I'm so happy that you're having the foresight to say this, because I've been watching you," and he was saying he was exhausted, so since he's not the center of this whole thing, he had been calling me for the last few months, you know, and we're friends, we love each other, and he's been seeing what's going on, and it was just tiring. 228 years, you know? When I said that, it only took about a couple minutes before most of the other guys jumped right in with what I said; they were on my side. BL: That's one of the important questions: Most of the other guys. NY: Yes. South Carolina already had one foot out the door. And Texas? Depending on whether he's hung-over or not, a lot of the time Texas doesn't even recognize the rest of us. He just does whatever he wants. BL: But there was one exception. NY: Yep. BL: Who? NY: Massachusetts. BL: Massachusetts. He didn't want to do it. NY: No. BL: He didn't believe it was the right thing to do. NY: Yeah, and I want to be very careful to not put words into his mouth. But I also don't want to paint a picture that we are this gleeful little club of states all wanting to stop, I think he was a little bit of, umm, he didn't say he was in disagreement, but he said, "I'm not on completely the same page as you guys, I think that we could, through work, maybe find a way to revitalize this thing again, maybe blow some stuff up or bomb somebody or something, and find that... magic." BL: Do you believe that, i.e. that the magic might, you might have been able to find it, or do you believe it was just gone and you were fool enough to recognize it? NY: Well, I don't believe it would be possible without, we would need an enormous amount of distance, because we've been completely existing as individual states within the context of a group dynamic and that's becoming over the years more of a group dynamic. In the beginning, you know, it wasn't as much of a democracy as it became, which is fine, but it starts to get tiring. BL: You're tired of democracy? Isn't democracy what America is all about? NY: Not anymore, Pancho. From now on, it's me, me, me. They don't call me "The Empire State" for nothing. This democracy stuff was getting out of hand. The example I use? I see you've been breathing oxygen. BL: I have been. NY: We spent a week deciding whether to make the air clean or not. BL: Really? NY: And it was all 50 states and several territories chiming in and going to the meetings. I wanted clean air, but Texas wanted more pollution. Everybody was arguing back-and-forth. I think we probably settled on air that looks somewhat clean but isn't really the healthy kind of clean. We rarely agree on anything. Everybody has their own agenda, and now it's really hard just to get together. We can never find a big enough place because Utah always wants to bring his 26 wives. The room temperature is never right. Hawaii says it's too cold; Minnesota says it's too hot. If we try to order food, California wants everyone to eat vegetarian. And we can't even dream of ordering barbecue because last time we tried that, Tennessee, Missouri, North Carolina, Texas, and Virginia got into a five-way knife fight. Sometimes we can't even communicate with one another. I mean, there are times when I really wonder if Florida knows even the slightest bit of English. And then Puerto Rico is always showing up, uninvited. He always wants to participate, but then he doesn't want to pay taxes. That's all we need—more freeloaders. It's bad enough that Oregon is permanently stoned. All he ever wants to do is watch presentations involving liquid projections and blacklights. Then there's Nevada. Oh man, he is one shady dude. After a weekend of partying with this guy, you'll probably need to have your stomach pumped. BL: Let me just read you some email I received today because your citizens knew you were coming here. "Why, New York, Why?" Three words this is, ya know? "I just want you to know how thankful we are as a community, a community that would not exist if it weren't for you, thank you." NY: Aww. BL: I'm not finished reading. It goes on to say "Thank you for crushing my dreams. You have just ripped out my heart and stomped on it. You are a merciless piece of excrement. I hope you die. Then I hope you are digested by worms. Then I hope the worms are eaten by vultures. Then I hope the vultures die from a horrible disease that destroys their intestinal tract. Finally, I hope the sun bakes you inside of the smoldering vulture carcass until you are nothing more than a fossilized shell of a once great state. Oh, and then I hope a bird poops on your fossilized shell." NY: Is that it? BL: Yep. NY: Well... BL: Oh, wait. There's more. "P.S. I hope the bird poop smells bad-- really bad." NY: I think that person is taking it well. I feel, and this is the honest truth, and I would like to say this to whoever is listening that loves America, and I love America, OK? Nobody loves America more then me, I want to say that, I understand, ‘cause you know what I mean? But in the last 160 years there were a lot of moments where we were getting sloppy, we don't communicate as much, and it's natural. It's not anybody's fault, but I don't want to see that. You know what I mean? And I think that these people who are writing...it's hard for me because when I legislate, I look out at the citizenry and I really want inclusiveness. I think that's obvious. I look to the furthest reaches, and I try to include people, so I'm with them, I miss it too. You know what I mean? But it's natural, and I also think, this is just something I'm just going to say, one of the things I've noticed since I made this announcement is that everybody over 230 thinks it's great and everybody under 230 doesn't understand it. Not everyone but... people... BL: Everybody over 230 thinks it's great? NY: Yes, for the most part. BL: You do know that there aren't any people over 230. NY: Really? BL: There's some lady in Lebanon who is 120-something, but she's not looking too hot. NY: Are you sure? BL: Oh, yeah. Her skin is really wrinkled. It's not pretty. NY: Well, let's just pretend there are people over 230. They understand life from a... point of view. BL: In other words, they have lived life long enough; they have lived long enough to know that certain things, no matter how beautiful... NY: Have to go. BL: Change. NY: You gotta' let ‘em go. BL: That states change-- that your life changes. NY: Exactly. BL: New people enter, new ideas, new experiences, new directions, new forks in the road, turning over a new leaf, April showers bring May flowers, I feel the Earth move under my feet, the higher the monkey climbs the more you see of its behind, you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, you gotta change, you gotta reform, changes in latitudes/changes in attitudes, when it's time to change, you've got to rearrange, the times they are a-changin', I'm the changeling, see me change, dooo-dooo-do-do-dooo-do-dooo-doodedoodoo, when you're feeling kind of crusty, it's time to change your underwear-- all of that...Are you digging my metaphors? NY: You're a tool. BL: So, with all of this desire to change, couldn't something could change your minds? I mean, couldn't your decision to end it all be spared by change? Get it? Spare change? (awkward pause) BL: Please put that knife down. NY: I've never been so sure about anything in my life. It took, uh...I know this is the right thing. I know it. I, um, I don't know. One person sent in a letter that said this is your, New York's ego, egomania or something. My thought about that was that I think people feel like we're pulling the rug out from under them or something, but, how can I explain this? I have to at a certain point make decisions based on what I know is true in my heart. If I'm not doing something that's true and honest and from my heart, it's not going to resonate, and that's what a state is supposed to do. So, when I saw you interviewed Russia, and things were going smoothly for him, and then he disappeared and let the Bolshevik revolution take over for 74 years, enabling the Beatles to write a great song, and then he came back, and aside from all the poverty and organized crime and corruption, he's doing great now, and that's the way it goes, you know? You have to follow your heart. If you're making decisions based on keeping a bunch of people happy, I think that eventually that's going to start to sound stale. No matter how badly you want it to... BL: The British Empire. NY: Yes. BL: Comparison to America. Where is it true and where is it not true? NY: Its not true in the sense that they are probably the greatest empire in history... BL: Critics always clarify that. They will say they are the greatest empire in modern history... NY: No, no, I dont think that. BL: You are saying they are the greatest ever. NY: I think -- well, Im going to just talk about the Brits now and have my chance to say this, because this has been running around in the back of my mind for -- I probably only saw one empire that completely transported me. It was the mid-1800s, and every single person in the entire world was locked to the British Empire. That made me want to be part of a powerful nation. They were just an absolute wonder to behold. When they walked into a new country, they had every single person on the planet riding on their every eyebrow move, and Ive never seen it again. The sun never set on the British Empire, which was amazing. And now I know that some time has gone by, how lucky I was to see them in action—to briefly be a part of it. They conquered nations with style, and their reach was enormous. You'll never have another British Empire because they were just so big, it became unhealthy. I mean, America has been on Atkins for a couple years now, and we've been trying to lose some weight, so we don't wind up in the same boat as the Brits. We've been trying to get rid of Guam forever, but it's one thing to lose the territory, and it's another thing to keep it away for good. BL: Is there a successor to America? NY: No... BL: Is there a link that goes from the British Empire to America to question mark? NY: Thats a tough one. I mean, maybe Canada. They've been riding our jocks forever. It's about time they figure out how to do something besides play hockey and make mediocre beer. BL: What do you regret about what America was and what it became and what it is? NY: OK. Do you want my honest opinion about that? I think you do. BL: No, actually I was hoping that you'd tell me a lie riddled with salacious gossip. But if you wanna be boring, go ahead and be honest. NY: Ill tell you what I regret. What I regret is that -- I dont regret it, but I feel like in the last couple of years it started to become an excuse for people to live like gluttonous pigs. And it never was that-- for such a long time. It used to be about the work ethic, but for many, it's all about wiping your ass with Benjamins. BL: With respect to America, I mean, how many moments, great moments have there been? I mean, has there been one experience that stood out? NY: Yeah. The War of 1812, the year we fought all year was -- just I dont even know what to say. I mean, it was -- I mean, it was beyond -- it was like a weird dream, and it just kept going on. We had fought for almost three straight years, and then all of a sudden it was like a big door opened. We got tired, and in the tiredness all of your judgment, "this is good, this is bad," went away and it just became like -- like music -- I can feel it, the air going in and out of my of nose. And then the sun came up, and the enemy was dead and the war was over. I cant -- it was just -- so that. And I have to point out one other moment. We were in the Vietnam War, and everything got real quiet. And we were getting quieter and quieter and then became silent. And I had my eyes closed, and I could feel the enemy. And at that moment, you are in the middle of it, and I started to see those colors, like Im not kidding, floating around there, and I realized that I could almost -- it was silent, but I could see where the enemy was with my eyes closed. And as soon as I could see them, I started shooting, but I didnt shoot anything. I did everything in the sense of shooting, except for the actual bullets, and as soon as I did it, the whole place erupted. It was like, whoa, and just tears started rolling down my face, and it was at that moment that I knew that New Jersey had dosed me. Ah, he's such a prankster! BL: Amazing journey. So what do you do now? Does you have a solo career? NY: Yes. I'm looking forward to my upcoming side project with the Dominican Republic. BL: Of course. So what about these rumors of rampant steroid use by America in the upcoming Olympics? NY: Steroids? What steroids? I know nothing of these steroids. We're clean and sober. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? BL: I know that sober entities don't repeat the same phrase nine times in a row. NY: Keep talking and you're gonna lose your big toe. BL: Okay, well thank you for coming here this evening. NY: Thank you. BL: Its a pleasure. NY: Thank you. BL: Much success. NY: Thanks a lot. BL: I know you want to hear from people who say to you, I understand. NY: Yes. BL: Thank you. NY: You know, if I bend over, it'll be easier for you to kiss my ass. BL: That would be great. Thanks.
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