Much Ado About Water
Brian Ferdman
2006-02-16
Listen up, people. The time has come for me to use this humble little forum to get a message through your thick skulls. You had all better wake up and smell the Juan Valdez. We must now admit that America is addicted to water.
Seriously, I've been watching the way you people guzzle water like it's oil, and it's pretty freakin' disturbing. You all have a problem. You drink water when it's hot; you drink water when it's cold. You drink water with your pot when it's nine days old. You drink water on a boat; you drink water with a goat. You drink water in the rain; you drink water on a train. You have a serious water addiction, and each drop keeps feeding the beast. America’s water dependency is causing us to rely on those politically unstable oceans for survival. We just can’t trust the oceans, and the anti-American extremist species that inhabit them. The whales are swimming around like they own the place, and the shrimp are a major nuisance. Dolphins may look cute, but they’re definitely up to no good. The swordfish are impaling everything in sight, and how about those sharks? Those bastard sharks just chomp off every leg they see. Folks, harvesting water from oceans is a dangerous business, and we can no longer afford to be swimming in these murky waters. The over-consumption of water is beginning to affect us in perverse ways. For example, let’s take a look at water usage at concerts. Your bizarre preoccupation with water is starting to influence musical artists. At the Big Summer Classic concerts this summer, all musicians were drinking water that came in specially designed bottles made of a unique biodegradable corn compound. Hello? Biodegradable water bottles? Can you honestly tell me that biodegradable water bottles are a necessary use of science when we can't even figure out how to build a car bigger than a stretch Hummer? And if we get rid of plastic bottles, what are we gonna shove into these landfills? We’ll just get stuck with a bunch of empty holes. Without landfills how will we build the next Staten Island? Think about it.
Okay. I know I'm going too fast, and this is getting scary. You just have to understand that our fixation with water can initiate a dangerous chain reaction that can lead to much larger problems down the road.
But back to the subject at hand. Have you ever noticed how much water people drink at concerts? It's disgusting. People are just chugging bottles left and right, shoving their heads under water fountains, or cupping their hands to drink from a bathroom sink. And it's all done in the name of refreshment, which makes me sick. How selfish can you get? Every summer, the online world is inundated with people bitching about water at concerts. The most popular gripe is that Clear Channel venues serve water bottles without the cap. So what? Do you really want to drink the cap? Here's a hint, Bright Boy, the cap doesn't taste good. Trust me, I've eaten plastic before and it needs a lot of salt before it gets anywhere near the realm of appetizing. Oh, but that doesn't stop you whiners. You want your precious little caps for your bottles. Some of you even smuggle in your own caps in anticipation of being handed a cap-less bottle. What do you really think you're achieving with your little act of subversion? Do you think you're somehow sticking it to the man? No, you are only hurting Clear Channel’s profits; thus, you are hurting America. Shame on you. Why do you think these Clear Channel-owned venues won’t give you a precious bottle cap? For one, it’s common knowledge that these plastic caps could be thrown at patrons and used as deadly plastic weapons. Yes, I’ve heard your little counterargument that the filled plastic bottles could easily be thrown, but that argument is ridiculous because no one would ever throw something made of plastic. Beyond the obvious safety issue, the main reason Clear Channel doesn’t want you to have bottle caps is because they want you to spill your water. If you spill your water, you’ll buy more, and Clear Channel will make more money. Clear Channel is in the profit-making business, and they deserve to profit as much as humanly possible. Anyone who opposes their high profits must surely be a Communist, a terrorist, or both. What’s that? “Where’s the concern for the customer?” Where do you think you are-- some little 1950s Mom & Pop five and dime? Gee whiz, Jimmy! I’ll whip you up an egg cream, lickettysplit! Give me a break, people. Clear Channel has been very up-front about wanting to make money. They are not in the entertainment business. They’re in the money-making business. If you don’t like getting a cap-less bottle of water, you’re welcome to press your lips to one of the two water fountains at the venue. Both feature an interesting green bacteria culture and have tasty water that is subtly balanced with overtones of sulfur. Sadly, this outbreak of water-related complaints is not only relegated to outdoor venues. No, people wanna bitch about high-end clubs, too. Case in point, look at what some tool recently wrote about a New York City concert: “With it being so hot, I went to the bar to grab two bottles of water, and I had the privilege of paying $10 for my two 16 ounce bottles of the essential component to human life. I was glad that I didn't order something else because if bottles of water were $5, I'm guessing sodas must have been $8, beers $19, well drinks $27, and top-shelf $42. While many would be upset at having to pay so much money for water, I have no problem with it. Frankly, we've had it far too easy for far too long, and I am excited about this new era of beverage service that features a 425% markup. It's time for us all to do our duty to our country's sagging economy by drinking hard and making other people rich. Unfortunately, since the room was very warm, I finished the last drop of that high-end H2O and was once again hot and uncomfortable. It being after midnight, the banks were closed, so I knew I couldn't take out a loan to finance my water-drinking binge, and I was forced to leave.” First of all, this jerk should get a job. If you can’t afford to drink, you shouldn’t be going out to enjoy live music. After all, if you are listening to live music without consuming alcohol, you’re not really listening. Think about it. Anyway, if he’s so destitute, maybe he can take his smartass writing to Jambands.com. They’re so desperate they’ll hire anyone to write a humor column. Beyond that, this guy is missing the point. His $10 bought him two 16 fluid ounce bottles of the finest faux spring water New York State has to offer. And let’s bear in mind that these special bottles of water had not only two parts hydrogen but also one part oxygen, and you can't get that kind of quality everywhere. Water is the essential component of human life, and everyone knows you can’t put a price on human life. Thus, $5 a bottle is a helluva bargain. Besides, this club has got to pay its bills. It’s a high-end joint, and everyone knows that a nice paintjob, stylish furniture, and fancy chandeliers always make the music sound better. This water consumption epidemic is going way too far. I don't care if you're thirsty. Haven't you people ever heard of Maker's Mark? And don't give me that "I can’t drink alcohol because I'm only 18" bullshit. Son, it's time to shut-up and grow a pair! Do you think a lack of talent stopped Paris Hilton from becoming a celebrity? Do you think being so poor that she had to live in a car in Alaska stopped Jewel from writing all of those mundane adult contemporary songs? Do you think a dearth of intelligence, ambition, or vision stopped George W. Bush from becoming the president? The answer is no, my friends, so next time you are thirsty, forget the water and take a swig of Kentucky’s finest. You’ll be helping the American economy, and you’ll keep us out of those pesky oceans. Remember: Flipper may look cute and cuddly, but he’s secretly plotting to overthrow America. Think about that the next time you chug on some Poland Spring.
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