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Culturejamming
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Edited
by Chris Zahn
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Today, CNN reported that only 30% of all Americans have sent back their census ballots with just one week before the deadline. The inner cities have the worst return ratio. To put it simply: Nobody trusts the Census Bureau. They claim your privacy is protected under law and your answers are used for statistical purposes only. No government agencies or courts have access to this information. Bullshit! First, my weekly junk mail index will double and then the IRS start calling and it all goes downhill from there. Why do they need a Census anyway? Why can't they determine this info from tax returns? They can but the logic is that people cheat on their taxes and they don't on their Census forms. So with that in mind I'm stuffing the ballot box this year. I've decided to become hundreds of different personalities. This year I'm every color of the rainbow-both young and old and male and female. I haven't had this much fun since i sent in 10,000 baseball all-star ballots with Chico Escuela as a write-in vote. To give you an idea how stupid this thing is first they ask you if you live in a house, apartment or a mobile home. What if you're homeless? I guess you don't count. And what's with the check male or female only boxes? What about transexuals? And perhaps the most backwards part of this whole scam is the race box where the Census Bureau can't seem to make up its mind what to call people of color, so they go with all three: Black, African-American and Negro. Negro? What decade are we living in? Some Census bonehead on the news said they left the Negro description in there because "people still call each other Negro". And people still call each other Nigger, Spic and Cracker but i don't see that in there. Also he conveniently forgot to tell you that White people are no longer Caucasians. They are simply white. But if ya think we got problems in this country then i guess you've never been to Sweden, where both Donald Duck and Keith Richards received enough votes to win a seat in the Swedish parliament- Riksdag. Donald got 12,833 votes and Richards received over 14,000. Other famous people who got votes were Mick Jagger (about 500), the pope (100) and Bill Gates (about 250). Madonna got one vote. So everybody let's have some fun and fuck with our government. Let's show them a sense of humor. And if you're not up with getting down with the program you can always scam the Columbia Record Club(again). SCAM OF THE MONTH: The Internet Spy Advertised as "The SOFTWARE They Want BANNED in 27 Countries!", this spam's been clogging up my inbox for weeks. No, it's not a private investigator but a "Sophisticated SOFTWARE program" guaranteed to crack the case with links to thousands of public record databases. So if ya wanna locate that hot babe you met in traffic just enter in her license plate number and out pops her name and address. You can also dig up old skeletons on an ex-spouse that will help you win in court! Find out about your daughter's boyfriend! (Or her husband). Learn all about your mysterious neighbors! Find out what they have to hide! Be astonished by what you will learn about people you work with! And if you order fast they will supply you with a list of over 30 banks that give unsecured credit cards to people with bad or no credit.
Send $19.95 check or money order to: WARNING: This is very risky and you're idiot if you send the dough! Each year, THE ANNALS OF IMPROBABLE RESEARCH (AIR) bestow the Ig Nobel Prize honors to individuals whose achievements "cannot or should not be reproduced." Prizes are given to people who have done remarkably goofy things -- some of them admirable, some perhaps otherwise. Some recent Ig Nobel's include: S-Check-an infidelity detection spray that wives can apply to their husbands underwear.....breeding a spiceless jalapeno chile pepper.....an automobile burglar alarm consisting of a detection circuit and a flamethrower.....contributing to the happiness of clams by giving them Prozac.....listening to elevator Muzak stimulates immunoblobulin A (IgA) production, and thus may help prevent the common cold.....Transmission of Gonorrhea Through an Inflatable Doll....training pigeons to discriminate between the paintings of Picasso and those of Monet.....The Japanese Meterological Agency seven-year study of whether earthquakes are caused by catfish wiggling their tails. It's all here at: http://www.improb.com/ INVENTION OF THE MONTH: The "Cyberette." It's a disposable chromium cigarette that samples your mood and alters reality to your spec in real time. It does this by eliminating selected elements of the real world that are not on your list of preferences, and replaces them with alternate imagery and sensory data to your brain. (i.e. The street is real but the skies are always rendered blue. Billboards have pictures of my wife and kids) Every drag refreshes your visual and emotional landscape. The dream world is seamlessly blended with the real in your mind (and with less tar). The really cheap ones have ad preferences that give you free minutes in exchange for product placements in your dream world, so it's a compromised fantasy -- but hey the real world is full of ads. They are recyclable and "Classic" Collection models come complete with a nostalgic orange glow that resides at the tip (and now only reflects battery life.) You'll buy certain brands for the personality they add to your outlook. (Marlboro makes you feel like a Maverick.) Sharing is not good. Each unit "learns you," and, like wearing some one else's prescription eyewear, can blur your world with painful consequences. This invention allows us to experience and alter multiple realities at once in the same space. Why should this happen? Because I just want to be able to say in a bar: "Gimme a Dry Martini and a pack of Disneys." What do you get for the person who has everything? Why, The gift of a lifetime....Their very own place in the cosmos--an honest to goodness heavenly STAR! Check out: http://www.starregistry.com/ for all the groovy details. Sounds like bunch of sci-fi bunk, right? Well, they do claim your star is legally registered in the International Star Registry's vault in Switzerland. I dunno, sounds vaguely official to me. For over 20 years, The International Star Registry has named hundreds of thousands of stars for celebrities and dignitaries like Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Luther King; plus thousands for no-name individuals like you and me worldwide. The International Star Registry gift package includes a beautiful 12" x 16" parchment certificate, available framed or unframed, with the name of your choice, dedication date, and telescopic coordinates of the star. You'll also receive an informative booklet with charts of the constellations plus a larger, more detailed chart with the star you name encircled in red. Because these star names are copyrighted with their telescopic coordinates, future generations may identify the star name in the directory and, using a telescope, locate the actual star in the sky. If a star seems downright old-fashioned, perhaps a planet might do--or at least getting your name on one You might not be able to set foot on Mars but you can surely get your name on the red planet with NASA's.... "SEND YOUR NAME TO MARS" website campaign. Go to: http://spacekids.hq.nasa.gov/2001/home.htm and type your name into the online form and it will be recorded on the Mars 2001 Lander CD-ROM. You can even print out your own certificate. The Mars Surveyor 2001 Lander is scheduled for launch on April 10, 2001. It will land on Mars on Jan. 22, 2002, if launched on schedule. To this date, over 1.2 million names have been collected and NASA hopes to reach several million by launch date. NASA does NOT charge a fee for participating in this project. CD's OF THE MONTH: Fu Manchu's killer new CD - "King of the Road" (Mammoth) finds these hotdoggin' Cali stoner-rockers suckin' big ol' Slurpee bongloads of doody resin sludge-core grunge geetar atop a buttthumpin' bottom, cowbell-clockin' riddims and Scott "who swallowed the fuzzy dice" Hill's vocals which sound like they were recorded through a rusty '72 Ford van carburetor. They rock a mean raunch and boogie like a wheelie-poppin' 3-speed Huffy dirtbike with a banana-seat and no sissy bar. http://www.fu-manchu.com English prog-rock visits the South Bronx on "Where Ya At"--the new single from the latest D.I.T.C(Diggin In The Crates) joint on Tommy Boy Records. The single features the last-recorded appearance of the 798 pound Latino rapper Big Pun who slings a mouthful of rhymes over a sample of Emerson, Lake & Palmer's "Endless Enigma". With every funk and soul record in existence sampled to death, progressive rock might be the next fresh pasture for hip-hop beatminers. Imagine a future hip-hop world where Ice Cube meets Gentle Giant......Snoop Doggy Dogg and King Crimson rock beats and Ol' Dirty Bastard duets with The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. http://tommyboy.com I'm not chucking my vinyl LPs until some audio-geek invents a reverse CD player. Or at least a way i can place my finger on that tiny disc and rewind it manually. Perhaps CDs are a secret plot devised by the Christian Right to prevent tempting young heathens from discovering "The Dark Side". Well, you too can discover Beezlebub in the grooves of dozens of recordings at: http://www.reversespeech.com/music.shtml What's great about this site is you can actually download wavefiles and realaudio soundclips of songs played both forward and backward to hear Satan come alive: Hear Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Ozzy Osbourne and The Carpenters conjure up demons. Did you know when reversed, N'Sync's "Tearing Up My Heart" lyric--"Baby it feels like your on it." says, "I really got to eat penis". It's true. And Frank Zappa's "Nanook Rubs It" reversed says: "There's no one except the sheik that remembered we had the mumps." and "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen commands you to "Smoke marijuana and give some acid." And speaking of vinyl....This summer, VESTAX will unleash onto the unsuspecting public, the long-awaited vinyl-making machine. The VRX 2000 vinyl cutter will enable DJs and music-fans alike to make their own vinyl at home from any inputed audio source. http://www.vestax.co.uk/flash/ RealAroma introduces a whole new dimension to the man/machine interface game. The dimension of smell. With the RealAroma Drive and RATML (Real Aroma Text Markup Language) you can share smells in real time, over the Internet, with olfactory buddies all over the globe. Because all smell conversion is done locally in the RealAroma Drive itself, bandwidth requirements are extremely low and even users of embarrassing 14.4k modems can enjoy the odors you concoct. FLASHBACK OF THE MONTH: APARTMENT HOUSE WRESTLING During the 1970s, G.C. London Publishing--producer of some of the best and most bloody wrestling magazines ever printed--tried something new and daring: to create a sport called Apartment House Wrestling. The basic gist of the sport was that women would fight each other in their flats; they'd start out clothed, but by the end of the match, one or both would be stripped naked. The black and white pictures, printed in Apartment House Wrestling: Battling Girls Magazine , was strangely erotic -- perhaps because the grappler's bathing-suit areas were blocked out by censor bars. But what was most interesting about the sport wasn't the battles themselves, but the attitude the magazine's editor adopted about them. The bold pioneer of this odd sport really thought they were artistes, that he had created something beyond fetish pornography. Check out a great AHW fan website: http://sr11.xoom.com/ahw222/ WEB SAMPLERS:
Great corporate logo parodies can be found at: Submitted by Flaco http://www.readtheshit.com/index.html Submitted by Xander J Submitted by Brian Belyea
Check out these two sites for everything you've always wanted to know
about TRANSFORMERS but were too embarrassed to ask:
With all the lame fake celebrity sex sites out there, it's refreshing to come across a truly warped PG-13 one called WILMA DEFEMINA'S ROTUNDA: http://www.fbwd.net/rotunda.html. This site is for folks who like to see creative celebrity fakes with no sex or nudity. See: Annette Funicello's face on Shannon Daugherty's body....Demi Moore in a jail cell in Belize....Sandra Bullock subduing a woman with a camel clutch.....Morgan Fairchild kissing Cindy Crawford's foot. Very bizarre stuff. Submit your web samplers to: Chris@intransonic.com
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