Brian's Handy Dandy Guide to B&Ps The jamband community has proliferated and grown through vast networks of traders and kindhearted souls who enjoy passing recordings of live concerts amongst friends and strangers. When CD-Rs became popular a couple of years ago, the online trading world experienced a huge boom. However, not everyone has a CD-burner, so trading one show for another is not always possible. The burnerless depend on the kindness of others to offer shows in exchange for blanks and postage, which most of our acronym-obsessed community call B&P offers. Many people don't understand the proper way to handle a B&P, so I have assembled this handy dandy guide to B&Ps. I call it "Brian's Handy Dandy Guide to B&Ps."

1) Get the right media. I cannot begin to stress the importance of this step. Don't cut corners here! Make sure that you get the most bang for your buck. As a general rule of thumb, avoid any CD-Rs that were made in Southeastern Asia. It's quite obvious that Southeastern Asian countries know very little about technology. You're much safer sticking with CD-Rs from Afghanistan. (Any country that is meticulous about destroying its religious symbols will definitely take extra care when manufacturing recordable media.) If Afghani CD-Rs are not available, buy some CD-Rs that were made in a nation with a rich history of high quality manufacturing. You know, somewhere like Mexico.

Price is a big issue here. Walk in to your nearest overpriced electronics store and peruse the aisle of recordable media. Immediately look toward the cheapest brand you find. This brand is very cheap because the store sells many units, so this brand is purchased in bulk. If the brand's name includes the word "Value," "Super," or "Bitchin'," look no further. You have stumbled upon a goldmine. Quickly buy every single package of that brand.

2) Print out a note to me. This note should let me know what I should burn for you. Please print this note on a custom-cut 2.5" x 6" card with 24 lb. cardstock, and the card should be colored nickel gray with speckled jet-black flecks. Use only Arial Narrow Special G2 font in 74-point type. All words must appear on one side of the card only. Address the note to "The brilliant seer whose knowledge towers above the human race, Brian Ferdman." Sign the note as "Your humble servant who will forever be in your debt." Make sure you thank me profusely in your note, and I do expect to have my ass kissed a little bit. If you close the note by saying, "Thank you for giving purpose to my pathetic life," I will even contemplate burning your discs within the month.

3) Place the discs in proper sleeves with care. This step is of extreme importance. My burner is temperamental, and it won't accept inferior discs. Therefore, you must boost your discs' self esteem. Definitely give each disc a name, and don't just settle for some generic moniker like "1," "2," or "3." How do you think it feels to be called "3"? Naturally, "3" feels as if he is third best. Sometimes "3" doesn't even get filled with the right music. A lot of times, he gets stuffed with some crummy filler of a lame Dead cover band. All of the other discs in the spindle probably tease "3" all day long. Don't forget that blank discs are people too. They have feelings, and it would serve you well to read to each disc every night, especially in a disc's formative years before it becomes burned-out and filled with knowledge. Discs have been known to respond to tactile communication, but never touch a virgin disc on its underside. This constitutes molestation, and I don't think I need to explain how perverted you are if you even consider stroking your discs' undersides with a lint-free cloth.

Each disc needs a fashionable sleeve, so the disc can look cool in front of the others. Don't just choose a plain white Tyvek sleeve. White Tyvek is like so 2000! Choose something light and colorful that accentuates the disc's curves. When a disc looks good, a disc feels good.

4) Each disc is carefully placed in an unsealed return envelope. Take each of the now fashionably sleeved discs, and place each one in a cozy. The cozy should be made of cheap fabric; cashmere is a good pedestrian choice. Seal the cozy because the disc will need to feel secure on its long journey. Imagine how you would feel if your Mom or Dad stuffed you into an envelope to go live with a strange man who likes to touch you. Kinda scary, huh? You must also give the disc room to breathe because you don't want it to suffocate and die. Please don't make me turn you into the Compact Disc Police Department on charges of child abuse.

The return envelope should be a brand new bubble mailer untouched by human hands (wear gloves please) and addressed to you. Make sure that the bubbles are nine millimeters in circumference. I will measure this distance, so don't try pulling a fast one on me. Write your address clearly in large block letters with no curves, and make sure that you don't live in Ohio. Don't take it personally, but I don't send any mail to Ohio. If I receive your return envelope addressed to Ohio, you are, as we say in New York, "screwed." Consider moving to someplace exotic, like Indiana.

Affix the proper amount of postage to the return envelope. You never know where I may send the envelope from, so you should play it safe and place at least $27.36 in stamps in the upper right-hand corner. Place the stamps on the envelope in a perfect square. I have an excellent protractor, and I will be measuring your right angles, so don't try to cheat here, or I will laugh at your discs. How do you think your discs will feel after I laugh at them? Here's a hint: not well, not well at all.

5) Place the unsealed return envelope in a larger envelope. This envelope must be color-coded according to the following list of bands:

String Cheese Incident - chartreuse
moe. - goldenrod
The Grateful Dead - black with a touch of grey
Jerry Garcia Band - cadmium blue
Ratdog - cobalt blue
Phil & Friends - sky blue
Mickey Hart Band - periwinkle
The Other Ones - aquamarine
Bruce Hornsby - green-blue
Vince Welnick - blue-green
Phish - puce
Galactic - mauve
Leftover Salmon - burnt sienna
Dave Matthews Band - sellout green
Backstreet Boys - vomit green
Britney Spears - jailbait pink

I own a very nice colorwheel, and if your color doesn't match, I'll trash your envelope. Don't be a deadbeat dad and force me to orphan your discs. Also, I should note that I am slightly color defective, so please make sure that your colors have been adjusted for 9% more red and 3.8% less blue. Consider yourself warned because I will accept no exceptions.

Address the envelope to me, and place the proper amount of stamps on it. I am allergic to most plants and animals, and I am a Communist, so please refrain from using stamps with flowers, birds, or patriotic symbols. You're better off sticking with stamps of non-political historical figures or tractors.

Seal the envelope with scotch tape, hot glue, packing tape, rubber cement, a needle and thread, super glue, Velcro (male side on the envelope and female side on the flap please!) and some sort of industrial adhesive. Make sure that you complete this step in order and DO NOT SKIP ANY OF THESE SEALANTS.

After you've completed this entire five-step five-minute process, drop the envelope in the mail. All you have to do is wait three months to six years, and you will soon be enjoying the discs that you desire. You will find that this handy dandy guide is pretty standard amongst traders, so once you master these simple steps, you will be enjoying tons of new music in no time at all!