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Columns > Andy Miller - Real True Confessions With Padre Pienbique

Published: 2007/09/23
by Andrew Miller

The Dumb Money And Other Inappropriate Advice

Real True Confessions With Padre Pienbique
The word on the street is Led Zeppelin is reuniting for a show at Wembley Stadium. Van Halen is back on tour, and surprise, Ozzy is hitting the road. Add in the Rush show I just saw, the Police picking the pockets of fans every where, Jethro Tull probably out doing whatever it is they do, and I think weve just had the finest summer of concerts since 1979. Or maybe I should say its still 1979 somewhere.
Now, if I were to offer some advice to these folks (if it was actually 1979) I would say: Dont blow your present fortunes fertilizing your booger farms. It pays dick in dividends, and besides, youll just have to go back to work in eighteen years, squeezing neer-do-wells for $85.50 a seat. Although therell just enough rubes to mostly fill up the Excel Center, youre going to feel silly wearing tight pants with a bum prostate.
That, among a thousand other reasons, is why nobody with money would ever ask me for anything, save Can you put an extra coat of wax on that, son?
Poor folks, the downtrodden, and the just plain loony ask me for advice all the time. Proving once again that you get what you pay for, Vegas betting, cheating and the vehicular preference of hippie chicks receives due diligence this month.
Q: Dearest Padre- Why do the Vikings do things like blow against the Lions? I lost money, and kinda feel youre partly responsible.
A: Troubled Son-
One of the hardest facts anyone has to learn is that no matter how diligently they study something, one just cannot know everything about anything. Or in my case, know anything about anything, at all, at all.
This has come as something of a shock. I spend an inappropriate amount of time reading about, peeking at film, and even more sadly, listening to podcasts concerning all things NFL.
Okay. I understand your disgust. I know its a waste- but its my waste of time, and youre waste of money. Theres also a lesson and more importantly, money to be made in the following paragraphs.
For as long as Ive loved football, Ive sat around with the a couple friends and the Vegas line out of the sports page, taking turns calling out predictions on Sundays games. While I can tell you exactly why somebody will win or lose (Carolinas defense is short on safeties, and the nickel back has a gimpy knee- take the points, etc) I have the amazing ability to pick the exact wrong team, every time.
And I mean every time.
My friend, I call him The Court House, asked me who to lay some money on before Monday Night Football this week. It was the Redskins at division rival Philadelphia Eagles, and the line was the Eagles by 6 points.
I pointed out that although Redskins defensive coordinator Gregg Williams will have a good defense someday, he hasnt shown it yet. Besides, Eagles QB Donavon McNabb has a knack for the big games. And it doesnt get much bigger than squaring off against division rivals on Monday night.
To make a dumb story short, I had a ummm, smoke before the game and dozed off on the couch before the first quarter ended. When I woke up, the Redskins had beaten the Eagles 20-12. Seems I forgot to take in the critical information that McNabb hasnt recovered from knee surgery, thus he cant plant his foot when throwing. Several of his passes sailed on him, usually on 3rd down. No bueno.
Most folks would hide this secret shame. Most folks would do the sensible thing and say sorry for giving bad advice or at least stop making predictions. Not me.
First off, Im a shill for the Vikings, and you ought to know that. What you do with your cash is your biz. If you need a suggestion on throwing yer hard-earned ching away, feel free to make a tax-deductible donation to: Padre Pienbique Ministries, 666 Koreshian Way, Waco, TX, 55555.
Otherwise I would say sorry, I cant help be foolish. But for you, Ill open up the books on my foolproof predictions. All you have to do is bet the exact opposite of what I pick.
Ladies and gentleman, Id like to introduce: The Dumb Money!
I pickem, and you bet the farm on the opposite. To prove Im not talking out my ass, by the time you read this, this weekends games will be over. All you have to do is check the results, note how I screwed everything up, run to the ATM, and get ready for the next edition of The Dumb Money.
(* I picked the Jets solely because Jon Schwartz, my Dark Sith Master, will hurt me in ways only a 0-16 season from the Vikes could if I didnt. So be it- J-E-T-S!)
For weekly advice on how not to bet, check my dumb Myspace site.
Just click under the blog section- Padres Pick: The Dumb Money and the current week.
Hope this helps!
Drink your milk,
Padre Pienbique
Q: Padre, oh Padre-
Can you settle this once and for all If I cheat on my girlfriend, and she never finds out, is it still wrong?
A: Troubled Son-
This is why Im glad my wife never reads anything I write. Not that Im going to tell you From personal experience but, theres almost no right answer I could give that would leave the back door open for me when the lights go out. That is, after I climb over my stuff she threw out on the lawn.
Now, this is a variation of the old If a tree falls in the forest quandary, just a little more saucy. Perhaps, If I bang a drunken MILF in her minivan, and nobody in the parking lot notices But then again, trees in the forest dont have cell phones, email accounts or myspace pages to send sensitive information to at unfortunate times.
And thats what this is all about, no? Theres just no way of saying if she never finds out anymore. Ive witnessed the best philanderers get busted with just one email, text message or unexpected phone call when they were in the shower and their better half picked up their cell. (And if you have one of those Nextel walkie-talkies, youre an idiot if even ponder this aloud.) Theres no hiding from your past, especially when the skeleton in your closet is draped in a Cleveland Steamer.
Keep in mind, Clinton got busted and he had a personal army of Secret Service agents that liked his wife even less than him.
But if this is your bag, then follow the Cheaters Three Golden Rules:
1) Use cash, and cash only. Debit and credit cards tell the world (and mail-snooping girlfriends) exactly where youve been and when youve been there. The idea is to make it all a non-event. But as stated before, nobody listens. So when you think youve got a clever reason to explain the $68 tab at a bar across town, think again. And if you think youve got that lie straight, youve got another thing coming. Which leads us to
2) Dont tell lies; tell selective truths. This is the old lawyer trick. If a guy is on trial for murder, his council will avoid the night of the crime, even if hes innocent. Instead, theyll point out what he was doing every other night of his life- nights that he certainly wasnt out burying a knife in someones throat. (Probably in the throat of the poor sucker that was banging his girlfriend.)
If she asks what you were doing on Thursday night, dont tell her a flat-out lie. The problem with lies is that once you tell one, youve got to tell five more to cover it up. Lets say you tell her you were out with a friend. Lets call him Monte. Now youve got to casually mention to Monte that if she asks about last Thursday, hes got to say
Now youre fucked on two fronts: First, she may or may not buy it. And if she does, for how long? Second, if she suspects long enough, maybe Monte might decided to confide his guilt in her. To add insult to injury, maybe Monte will decide its more fun to consol her with a little four-play: Three bottles of wine and a pickle-tickle.
See where Im going with this, you lying, cheating, diddle-monkey?
3. Think twice, slap once. Jimmy Carter said in Playboy he had committed adultery in his heart. Even though the President claimed a six-foot rabbit attacked him while fishing, not to mention he had the audacity to kiss the Queen Mother on her lips, I believe him when he said his lust didnt travel eighteen inches south. Perhaps his all-powerful Presidential hand did. (As in the ol pocket veto, if ya know what I mean)
Anyways, every gambler knows the secret to surviving is knowing what to throw away, and knowing what to keep. Since you already bothered to get this gal, whats the hurry to go behind her back when you can just go home, take a shower and rub one out? No phone calls, no questions, no problems
Drink your milk!
Padre Pienbique
Q: Padre-
Although I drive a decent car, what kind of wheels do hippie chicks really like?
A: Troubled Son-
Good question, but its just a hair off the mark. What you mean to ask is: What do hippie chicks like to do in cars? And if you know that, what kind of cars suits that purpose best?
An even better question! Now the real answer is that hippie chicks do whatever it is everybody else that is in a car does, like go to the grocery store, or better yet, the barley-pop shop. But youre looking for something exceptional. Trust me, exceptional people, like hippie chicks, like to do everything other exceptional people do in cars- smoke dope, crank bitchin tunes, maybe shag a bit. Thus, what you want is commonly known to your mother and her salty friends as a Fuck Truck.
The classic is an 83 Dodge Van, complete with captains chairs so you look like James T. Kirk while holding a Rush (or Van Halen, Jethro Tull, Ozzy, Police, Led Zeppelin) CD stacked with blow. Meanwhile she foolishly frets on the fold-away love-pad until her annoying friend finally leaves to go to the potty. (If the van is a-rockin, dont bother knockin)
But hippie girls, along with the rest of the world, have moved beyond the set from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Okay, maybe not that far. Personal experience has taught me that the cousin to the 83 Dodge Van, the White Ford V10 Passenger Van that each and every tour band uses, fits all these needs and more, save one drawback: They tend to smell like the worst parts of their inhabitants. No good.
My best advice? Its the man, not the machine. (But a Mercedes Bens never hurts)
Drink your milk (and brush your teeth, trim your nose hairs, etc.)
Padre Pienbique
I was over at the Big Wus webmasters house getting a DAT deck to mix the Japan tour where I found webmaster Nate in a usual position: Sitting in his ass-groove on the couch, watching Family Guy (thus the Fricken Sweet in the title). The high life indeed! He was dipping corn chips in a bowl of red something and munching away. I finally took a chip, bit, and then double-dipped (its okay at Nates house.)
The chili was reminiscent of something I had on the road- Skyline Chili, a chain of chili shacks started by a Greek around Cincinnati- oh the memories! Although its priced to be cheap, Chris Castino could run up a tap that would make John Goodman blush. Skyline Chili Dogs are topped with the house chili- and thats topped with at least a baseball gloves worth of shredded cheddar. Yowza!
The kink with Cincinnati-style chili is cinnamon. It gives the chili a sweet and tangy flavor when mixed with the cumin. If you havent had it, give it a try. If youre so unfortunate to be a vegetarian, just replace the meat with whatever funny substitute you, um, enjoy. (Its my understanding that Bacos has no actual bacon in it. I dont know if Im endorsing it or just pondering the horrors of a bacon-free world. Life is full of risk)
Likewise, if your caught short on bison, just put in what you want. Same with jalapeno powder- regular jalapenos will work just fine. Details are not to fussed over; its chili, and its football season. Enjoy
Webmaster Nate’s Fricken Sweet Hot Chili
The Meat: (Exact types of meat aside from the bacon and sausage are not
important just approximately 4-4.5 lbs total.. below is what I used in
this batch)
1 lb Bacon
1.3 lb Mild Sausage
1.1 lb Meatloaf pack (1/3 Beef, 1/3 Pork, 1/3 Veal)
1 lb Ground Bison (great because it is naturally lean)
The Veggies:
1 Whole Sweet Onion
1 Whole Green Pepper
2 Whole Sweet Orange Peppers
2 big cans (28 oz. each) Whole Peeled Tomatos
1 cup of good pasta sauce (or 1 can of tomato paste.. I used sauce)
The Spices: (I added for visible effect.. exact amounts are guessed from
memory but the proportions should be about right at least)
1/2 cup Chili Powder (I had good imported mexican)
1/3 cup Cumin Powder
1/8 cup Cayenne Pepper (the spiciest.. more if you want more burn)
1/2 t Jalepeno Powder (also good imported mexican)
1 t Paprika Powder
1 T Cinnamon
1 T Ginger Powder
1 T Garlic Powder
1 t Wasabi Powder
1+ cup Brown Sugar (I used imported cane brown in cone form)
~6 T Extra Virgin Olive Oil
The Prep:

  • Cook all of the bacon until it is crispy (it must crumble in your

  • hands.. not chewy) draining as must grease as possible away.
  • Chop up all of the veggies (cept the cans ;) into dime sized or smaller

  • pieces.
  • Brown all of the remaining meet together in the flying pan you cooked

the bacon in. When the meet is mostly browned but not finished crumble
in about half of the cooked bacon and finish browning. Remove as much
grease/liquid as you can. set aside off heat when done.
The Process: (stirring often all the way through)
  • In your big pot put the olive oil in (enough to cover the bottom with

about 1/8 inch deep and about 2/3 of the brown sugar
and heat on low heat (5 out of 10 on my electric.. as low-medium on gas)
let the brown sugar dissolve into the oil but not boil.
  • Add all of the onion and peppers and simmer on low until onions

  • are starting to brown and shrink but veggies are not yet sloppy.
  • Add all cold spices (Wasabi, Garlic, Ginger, Cinnamon) to this simmer

mix thoroughly and cook a bit longer (you still want your peppers crisp but
they will start to brown)
  • Add the entirety of the browned meat to the pot and stir together

thoroughly. Cook for a bit ( a minute or three just to get the whole deal
warm if the meat has been sitting for a while and get the veggie juices
seeping in to the meat )
  • Add both cans of Tomatos. If you have a really sharp knife you

probably want to try to break up the larger chunks of tomato into no
larger than quarter size or smaller. Stir together.
  • Add the pasta sauce (or tomato paste) Stir Together.
  • Add all of the rest of the spices (only remaining ingredients after this

  • will be half the bacon and the rest of the brown sugar) Stir Together.
  • Simmer on low-medium until oils start to bubble out the top.
  • Add the rest of the brown sugar and crumble in the rest of the bacon.

  • Stir Together
  • Continue to simmer for as long as you like. The Chili is pretty much

done now but will improve the longer you cook it. Stir Often making
sure nothing sticks to the bottom of the pot. Also (**important**)
periodically siphon off as much oil/grease from the top of the chili as
you can (it will pool as it sits)
TADA!!! If the temp (spice) is not quite right you can always add more
Brown Sugar to cool or more Cayenne, Chili or Jalepeno to heat.

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