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Columns > Andy Miller - Real True Confessions With Padre Pienbique

Published: 2008/07/27
by Andy Miller

Summer Love

Real True Confessions With Padre Pienbique
A week or so ago, my lovely wife and I were eating dinner out on the deck. Everything was as normal- the food was good, weather great, beer cold, etc. Then she looked up at me and said: Youre a little quiet, dear.
Indeed I was! I hadnt noticed, as I was too busy thinking. But something was on my mind: It was one of those quandaries that whip around the brain like a toy car on one of those old AMF racecar tracks we all had in our younger days.
I was thinking about the boundaries of cheating, or at least lying by omission. I wasnt concerned with the big stuff- we all know its still considered cheating even if one doesnt kiss the hooker on the lips. I was more interested in the details, especially in the beginning of a relationship.
NIGHT AT THE MOVIES
You see; I know this guy, recently divorced and just turning over new stones. Being a fan of superhero movies, he wanted to see Iron Man the first day it came out. The girl he had been on a couple of exploratory dates with said she wanted to see it too, but was more inclined to wait a few days, perhaps enjoy a Friday night dinner and hand-holding walk around Lake Calhoun. Not that Che Zachary (not his real name okay, it is) wouldnt go for such a thing, if only to live up to the gold standard of what we tell girls we like to do, but really dont mean.
So Che asked me: Is it cheating if I went to the movie early, got home in time to wipe the buttery popcorn topping off my collar, and met her for dinner and a walk? Obviously, I wouldnt talk about the movie at dinner, and unless she asks me directly if I saw Iron Man, I cant see how this would be dishonest.
Hmmmmm A good one! Like most ethical disputes and debates, a precedent has usually been set. Not that my wife would agree- she was looking at me as though I was crazy for even thinking about this.
So I argued the mystery hair gel scene from Theres Something About Mary. After being advised that going on a date without cleaning the pipes is akin to carrying a loaded gun, Ben Stillers hapless hero tickles the ivories in order to remain civil and calm throughout his first date with Cameron Diaz.
Even though he was hoping to get laid (there is, after all, something about Mary) I contested solely on utilitarian grounds that an earnest round of bishop flogging kept the rest of his night polite and proper.
At this point, my wife really thought I lost my fucking marbles. And for some reason, she didnt want any sour cream on her fajitas. Go figure.
Question #1: Do you think its cheating to act like you never saw a movie youre taking a newer date to see? (Answers at the end. No peeking- that would be cheating.)
THE FINER POINTS
Do you ever notice that it doesnt take much time before newish couples go from refreshing to annoying? They always enter the room at the same time, holding hands like theyre sewn together, commenting in a sickening unison on trivial opinions, blah, blah, blah.
Its only a matter of time until this charade falls off like a cheap prom dress. At some time, individuals need to stake some ground before they begin irreversibly become one, like Bush and Cheney on a weekend oil bender.
THE GREATER GLORY?
In May, I got a call from my brother whos been volunteering on the Obama campaign. The regional director for Obamas do-goodieness wanted to host some sort of fundraiser for his Barackness himself, but needed something more impressive than charging her friends $300 for wine and cheese in her back yard.
Being a resourceful lad, my brother asked the Big Wu if we could volunteer our services. Now, I got no beef with Barack Obama: Hes done a better job of selling Bill Clintons blank and unexplained theme of change than Hillary (will she never listen?) and unless the Republicans plan on cloning Lincolns DNA and running Abraham 2.0 this fall, the Dems cannot fail. (Of course, we all said this before the last two elections)
So we- most of us anyways- said, yes to doing a little grooving and noodleing for the greater glory. I for one didnt think through the real motivation behind this fundraiser: Obama already won Minnesota, raised more funds than Bill Gates on payday, and had already shoved Hillary into that lonely historical footnote solely occupied by Geraldine Ferraro. And he needs more money for what?
Either way, if youre going to throw a party, then do it right. The single most important tangible ingredient you can ad into any promotional recipe is time. Time affords proper planning, heals wounds, lets everyone and everything to find their proper place in the grand scheme of things. It also helps sell tickets.
When I pleaded with my brother to get in contact with the Special Head Chief and Undisputed Cockmaster of Obama Minnesota to move her event back into July so the regular promotional gestation could take its course, she flatly refused.
Why? I wondered to myself Why the fuck would she want to sell tickets at $250 a head to erstwhile liberals with absolutely zero time to get the word out?
A short story shorter: The even went on as planned. Despite this executive committees planning (within a span of three-and-a-half weeks, they tried to book three different venues) the event went on as planned. The raw numbers suggested they raised some money (it doesnt take much when the entry fee is 20% of a persons mortgage.) But I still couldnt figure out for the life of me why the party had to be on a certain date even though there would be so much more to donate if she would have let promotion take its course.
The following Tuesday, the obvious answer came to me. Rousting the Democrat faithful while trying not to look like he wanted a cigarette more than the ultimate power seat itself, our future fearless leader was parading on stage at the Excel Energy Center in St. Paul, MN, accepting the nomination and thanking all of those that worked so hard for him.
I thought to myself: The crazy woman wanted nothing more than for everybody and their dog to fork over the money in short order so she could be the one to hand Obama a check when he came to Minnesota. To top it off, all this disorganization of other peoples time and talent is so shell be considered for some Associate Assistant Jr. Secretary of Agricultural Affairs position Good Fucking Gravy! (As no good deed goes unpunished, I hope she gets the job. I wonder if shell enjoy the kind of change that comes from pushing a two thousand pound marshmallow up a mountain of bureaucratic negligence.)
Question #2: Would you still participate in such a fiasco-for all the right reasons- if you knew ahead of time that the endgame was planned around someones selfish, goofy glory? THE OLD WAYS ARE BEST?
In a recent poll on AOL.com, people voted on the topic of lost arts due to technological advances. Chief among them was old-fashioned letter writing.
Since its so much easier to sit and write correspondence via email- no need to stand in line and spend cash on stamps when that time and money could be spent at the liquor store- folks have naturally spared themselves from another poorly-run and costly government program. (Dont worry, federal subsidation of the mail still affords- wait, make that encourages- sub-prime mortgage lenders and other vultures to market predatory Ponzi schemes upon our nations nitwits.)
Even though Grandma may still write birthday cards and stick a Lincoln in them before shoving them in the mail, one of my all-time favorite practical jokers has been put out of business.
Im referring to Ted Nancy, author of Letters From A Nut.
If youve never read any these, ummm, books, I feel sorry for you. Above all, we are a service economy, and its on the shoulders of service providers to make sure were happy. Its this commitment to excellence that gives twisted fuckers like Ted Nancy license to reek havoc on the unsuspecting.
Nancy abuses the average dopes responsibility to serve consumers and all their needs by simply writing letters asking for special considerations before or after the point of purchase:
-He challenged Star Magazine to feature a photo spread of a corn on his foot that resembled actress Shelley Fabares from the television sit-com Coach.
-He inquired whether or not the Las Vegas Hilton would accommodate his requirement to wear a life-sized lucky shrimp outfit (with tartar sauce on the top!) while doing some high stakes gambling.
-He wrote a letter of great concern to Ralphs Grocery chain asking them to exercise evil spirits from a haunted and seemingly sinister Brillo pad that appears to be possessed.
-He wrote the Chairman of the Board at Kinkos, Inc. asking if he would employ himself and his Siamese twin brother, as customers should enjoy getting copies made by a set of twins. (Whether or not Kinkos would write a paycheck for one, two, or one-and-a-half employees was up for discussion.) Either way, Nancy argued that the pubic relations angle was undeniable
Now days, such comedy would be simply overlooked, as 99% of email is a bad joke. (Ron Jeremy once commented that above all people in America, he receives just as many emails promising a bigger, stiffer penis)
So heres Question #3: As America becomes more efficient in its dumbness, are we better off with flashier toys and procedures, or should we stick to the old ways of making clowns out of ourselves?
ANSWER KEY
1. Do you think its cheating to act like you never saw a movie youre taking a newer date to see?
The answer is No! Truth be known, theres a whole host of things a new date shouldnt be aware of. If there were, and one felt compelled to list them out, nobody would ever get a second date, let alone finish the first one. I mean, the very of survival of the human race is at stake here- unless The Matrix is right.
2. Would you still participate in such a fiasco-for all the right reasons- if you knew ahead of time that the endgame was planned around someones selfish, goofy glory?
_Yes! _ Provided you took the opportunity to call said brown-nosing ninny on their asinine bullshit. The very shallow selfishness of this scheme should be enough to make one walk away, but even good causes have moronic turdlings behind the steering wheel. Nothing wrong with illuminating them with that.
3. As America becomes more efficient in its dumbness, are we better off with flashier toys and procedures, or should we stick to the old ways of making clowns out of ourselves?
I wanna say yes, but the world has moved on. Letters From A Nut has secured its place in comic history, but it now has been replaced FOX News, which as you know, is fair and balanced (cue laugh track)
RECIPE OF THE MONTH
This is too easy. I wouldnt bother with these things but theres no reason why anybody and everybody cant look like a seasoned vet in the kitchen, given a little help.
This recipe is an appetizer, and its easier than ordering pizza, as long as you go shopping.
I think my wife got it from a cooking magazine, but it doesnt matter- this is good shit.
SPANISH PIZZA
Flour Tortillas
Walnuts
Manchego Cheeze (Spanish Ewe Cheese)
Okay, dig this-
1. Pre-heat oven to 400-450
2. Open Old Style beer. Chug.
3. Go outside, smoke a cig and drink another Old Style.
4. Scatter walnuts and manchego loosely over tortillas.
5. Put in a cookie sheet, cook for somewhere around 10-13 minutes.
6. Drink more beer and tell dirty jokes.
7. Pull out and serve.
No, the sauce isnt missing; its just not needed. If you think youre guests are sophisticated, crack an egg or sprinkle red onion over the pizza before putting it oven.
Drive safe, drink your milk, and be nice to your mother!

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