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Columns > Dan Alford - Audio Files

Published: 2003/09/27
by Dan Alford

Kimock in Japan

8/27/03 – Man, I'm so psyched about moe.down this year. It's gonna be great. I've been trying to go for three years, and some little detail always gets in the wayI didn't have enough money, I got a flat tire on my bike, I was held without bail on murder chargesyou know, some stupid shit like that. Now, thanks to the miracle of DNA testing, I'm a free man with a lot of time to kill, and where better to kill than moe.down, right?

Anyway, I think this should be a cool festival, as I've always heard that the hottest chicks are at moe.down. What chick wouldn't want to spend a weekend in a crowd that 80% desperately horny males? Any chick that's going to a concert like this is definitely into group sex, so I think I'll start small with maybe only a foursome. Then I'll work my way up until we peak at around 20 or so chicks. I don't want to go higher than 20 because then I won't have enough time to dedicate to each one of them. In my experience with orgies, once you get higher than 17 women, it starts to become a serious challenge. There's only so much of Brian to go around, and they all want attention. No, starting small and working my way up is the smart way to approach this bacchanalia of sexual freedom. Ladies, sit back and get ready cause the Ferd Man is coming to moe.down to rock your world.

And if the wild group sex isn't going to be enough, I hear the music will be a nice bonus. I haven't seen moe. since they played a killer "You Enjoy Myself>Dark Star" back at Giants Stadium in 1988. Man, that was a wicked show. I dropped so much acid that day it's amazing that I still remember it so vividly.

This is gonna be a historic weekend for me, so I'm bringing a laptop to document my every move, toke, and pelvic thrust. I don't wanna forget any of it, so I'll be keeping a journal with copious notes. I gotta give a special shout-out of thanks to my generous neighbor, Vic Timm, who has allowed me to borrow his laptop for the next seven or eight years. At first, he was a little hesitant, but after I demonstrated my skills with a baseball bat in his living room, he was begging me to take whatever I wanted from his house. I also grabbed a tent, sleeping bag, and a 72" TV, so I'm all set for camping. Whattaguy! Love ya, Vic!

8/28/03 – Jimmy has agreed to drive, and we got Lou to go along because we promised him beer, chicks, and weed. I've been hauling my ass all over town to get cases of P.B.R., and every place keeps running out. So far, we only have 15 cases, but that's only gonna get us through the first day. I don't know what to do. The chick at BevMart told me that I should try this new shit called Ho' Garden. I laughed in her face. Ho' Garden? Is that like a place where hookers grow? She was not amused. The chick told me it was "a refreshing heffer weiser." I asked her if that was like some kind of new version of Budweiser for cows. She looked pissed and said, "It's a Belgian wheat beer." Wheat in a beer? What the fuck? I've heard of people having Wheaties and beer for breakfast, but this is too much. Besides, it's Belgian, and I don't support Communist countries. After she told me that they only had it in bottles, I knew it was time to go. I never buy bottled beer because, unlike cans, it really hurts when you smash a bottle on your forehead. Trust me. I learned this the hard way.

8/29/03 6:30 A.M. – We're all packed and ready to go. First we're gonna smoke a bowl to start the day off right.

8/29/03 9:03 A.M. – Okay, we're ready to go now. ESPN Classic was showing that awesome Duke vs. Kentucky NCAA basketball tournament overtime game from 1992. I don't care if your wife is going into laboryou just don't leave the house when this classic matchup comes on the TV. Laettner hit the winning shot and we're out of the house. Jimmy's El Camino is packed with our gear and 45 cases of beer. I was able to scrounge up 25 cases of P.B.R., and then I put 20 cases of Natty Light underneath of them. Lou thinks it's all P.B.R., so my plan is to save the boxes and gradually keep transferring the Natty Light into P.B.R. boxes. By 6:30 tonight, Lou will be so drunk that he'll never know the difference.

8/29/03 9:04 A.M. – Big problem. The weight of 45 cases of beer is too much for Jimmy's El Camino, and we blew out a tire leaving the driveway. After much debate, we've come to the sad conclusion that the El Camino cannot hold 45 cases of beer, our gear, and Lou. (Lou weighs about 280 on a good day.) We packed pretty lightjust our sleeping bags, a cooler, a tent, one change of underwear, a 500-pack of Lifestyles vibra-ribbed condoms, and the 72" TV, so all the gear is essential. Jimmy is essential because it's his car. I'm essential because I'm the man with the plan. Lou is essential because he's Lou. That brings us to the beer. We estimate that about 15 cases have to go, so we decide to start drinking them now. Sure, they're warm cans but it's early in the morning, and we haven't had breakfast yet. Bottoms up!

8/29/03 1:22 P.M. – Fuccc kyeah this is fuuun. jUst sittting her oN jimmys' lawm andd swilllllin. moeddoenw is gonna rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8/29/03 5:16 P.M. – awwwwwwwwww shhiiiiiittt. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiibbjkljhffffffjhckkjb/b ,b nmbvm, vmgjhcgjfdgbcvbj,kmjnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbv

8/30/03 1:47 A.M. – Pain. Lots of pain. My head hurts big time. I don't know how long I've been passed out, but there's a mess of drool on my shirt. Lou is sleeping in the fetal position in a puddle of mud. Jimmy's pants are around his ankles and he's passed out leaning against his garage wall. There's a smile on his face.

A quick inventory tells me that we drank 21 cases. I guess we were only supposed to drink 15, but we were having too much fun. I don't really know what we did, but after looking at Jimmy, I'm glad I don't remember.

8/30/03 2:42 A.M. – Lou wouldn't wake up, so we left him in the puddle and decided to trade him for Steve. Steve is sober, and he's always awake at night, so he can drive. Besides, we only have four cases of P.B.R. left, and Lou would not be happy to awaken and discover that our remaining beer is mostly Natty Light. Steve is only 19, so he's less picky.

We really gotta get our asses in gear and get there soon because I don't want to miss any music.

8/30/03 4:48 A.M. – Steve has gotten us to moe.down with no problems. It seems as though everyone has arrived early because the whole campground is filled. I don't think we're supposed to drive in the camping area, but everybody's asleep, so I don't think they'll notice. We found a camping spot on the edge of some trees, and we hid the car behind the tent. As long as no one sees the tire tracks in the mud, we'll be fine.

8/30/03 11:10 A.M. – Fuck that fuckin' mud. I guess security followed the tire tracks right to the El Camino. If only our tent was bigger than 6 feet across, they never would have found the car. Fuck that fuckin' small-ass tent. If only the El Camino was shorter than 13 feet, it would have been hidden from view. Fuck that fuckin' huge-ass car. Steve had to move it, but we unloaded all the beer first, so mission accomplished. Anyway, I think I'll brush my teeth and get ready for the first band of the festival.

8/30/03 11:11 A.M. – Fuck that fuckin' calendar! We missed a whole day's worth of music yesterday. I thought for sure when we started out to leave at 6:30 this morning we were right on schedule. Somewhere along the way we lost an entire day. There's no logical explanation for this, so we obviously went through some kind of time warp. I guess we lost Lou in the time warp, too. All I remember is Duke vs. Kentucky and then we're here. This is messing with my head. Christ on a stick, I need a beer.

8/30/03 12:30 P.M. – Boo-ya! I just met my first hottie of moe.down. She told be that moe. comes on at 1:45, so I gotta make sure that we catch them. I think the hottie was interested in me, as she said offered some "goo balls." You gotta dig chicks that are so forward. Just skip the foreplay and get right to making my balls goo! I told her that would be great, but since there was only one of her, she should come back with two of her friends. She looked a little confused, but I think she was just teasing me. She'll be back with two more hotties, and the first foursome of moe.down will be on!

8/30/03 1:44 P.M. /strong> Still waiting for this chick to return. In the meantime, I've been doing a little stretching and some calisthenics. Take it from me- you don't want to pull a groin muscle in the middle of a foursome. I'll be ready for these hotties, and they'll never know what hit em. Look out ladies, the Ferdman cometh!

8/30/03 3:16 P.M. – Still no sign of the hotties. Actually, there's no sign of anyone. Obviously, they're just teasing me, trying to get me pumped up for the main event.

8/30/03 3:33 P.M. – FUCK! I missed moe.'s set. I was back here getting ready for the mge a whatever the French word is for four, and I totally forgot about it. Steve and Jimmy said moe.'s set was the shizznit. I told them that I had three hot chicks on the way, but I wasn't sharing. If they want to have their own mge a whatever the French word is for four, they can get their own hotties. They were a little disappointed, but I promised to counsel them on how to pick up hot chicks. Besides, after word spreads about the first mge a whatever the French word is for four, every hot chick in moe.down will be lining up outside my tent. I'll just cast aside the ones that don't meet my standards, and I'll let Jimmy and Steve fight over them.

8/30/03 4:19 P.M. – No hot chicks yet, but no worries. It's nearly 4:20! Time to get stoned to the bone, man! Before we left home, we scored a Z of White Widow, but we have to conserve it, so we're only gonna smoke about half of it right now. That should do the trick.

*8/30/03 9:08 P.M. -*Holy shit. What the hell happened? I just woke up, and I guess I've been sleeping on the ground. There is now a drool stain on the right shoulder of my shirt to match the one of my left. Steve is actually asleep standing up. He's standing unsupported by himself, and he has a full cup of beer. He hasn't spilled a drop. I'm very impressed. Jimmy's pants are around his ankles and he's passed out leaning against a tree. There's a smile on his face. I'm beginning to worry about Jimmy.

8/30/03 9:36 P.M. – A quick count of our cans tells me that some piece of shit definitely stole a beer from our cooler. When I get a hold of this fuckin' fuck, I'm gonna fuckin' break every fuckin' bone in his fuckin' body, that fucker. Now we only have 11 cases and 9 beers left. This is a tragic situation.

*8/30/03 10:11 P.M. * I'm guessing that moe. is onstage by now. Steve and Jimmy went over to the concert field to see them. I volunteered to hold down the fort and guard against another beer thief. Also, I'll be ready in case some hotties come over and an orgy breaks out. It's just me, my Louisville Slugger, 11 cases of Natty Light, and a 500 pack of Lifestyles vibra-ribbed condoms. Either way you look at it, some serious pounding is about to happen.

8/31/03 1:49 A.M. – I've been regaling myself by singing some of my favorite moe. songs, such as "C'mon Eileen," "West End Girls," and "Hangin' Tough." I have to admit that my voice is in fine shape, and my air guitar and air keyboard solos sound fantastic. My air drumming could use a little work, but there's plenty of time for practice. You know, I should start telling the hotties that I'm performing at my tent. Who needs moe. when you got me?

8/31/03 2:22 A.M. – Steve and Jimmy have returned to declare that moe.'s sets reached a new level of sickness. Ironically, after drinking for several days and not having anything to eat, I have reached a new level of sickness. I'm going to get something healthy to eat.

8/31/03 2:58 A.M. – Damn, fried dough is good! That was the best meal I've had in a long time. I'm feeling okay now, and it looks like the hotties have retired for the evening, so I think I'll rest up to prepare for what will likely be the biggest throw-down closing night orgy in moe.down history.

8/31/03 12:30 P.M. – Next time I come to moe.down I'm definitely going to find out the details beforehand. Apparently, there was a golf tournament on the first day. Man, I could've ripped that shit up. I can do some serious damage with a five iron. It would have been easy to beat those hippy golfers into submission. Damn, that was an opportunity lost.

Someone just told me that there's this whole crazy setup where you can take your laptop into this room and then hook it up with all of these nerds to download free moe. shows. Apparently, there's some really old recordings there, too. I just hope they have that 1988 Giants Stadium show where they did "Ants Marching>Soulshine." As soon as I smoke a bowl, I'm gonna get right on that downloading shit.

8/31/03 12:44 P.M. – So we just got high with this guy, and guess what he tells me? He says there’s this whole crazy setup where you can take your laptop into this room and then hook it up with all of these nerds to download free moe. shows. Apparently, there’s some really old recordings there, too. I just hope they have that 1988 Giants Stadium show where they did "Froggy Went a Courtin’>The Danger Zone."

8/31/03 1:33 P.M. – Okay, get this. moe.down elects a mayor of moe.ville every year. This is the perfect job for me. Imagine how easy it will be for me to get hotties when I'm the mayor. In all honesty, I could get them right now with no problem, but I don't think they know where to find me. I've spent most of my time at the tent, so I think I need to raise my profile a bit. The mayor has to be out and about, and as the saying goes, "Where there's power, there's an orgy waiting to happen."

There's so much I could do if I were the mayor. I could raise taxes, and I could make people get me beer. I could give orders, and I could make people get me beer. I could go to ribbon-cutting ceremonies, and I could make people get me beer. I think I've found my calling in life. I must become mayor of moe.ville.

8/31/03 2:10 P.M. – I need a campaign slogan, and I think I'm gonna go with "Vote Brian Ferdman for moe.ville mayor, or I'll break your fuckin' head in, you stupid fuck."

8/31/03 2:14 P.M. – Jimmy thinks the slogan is a little too intimidating. I think he's being a pussy, but fine. Whatever. I'll change it.

8/31/03 2:15 P.M. – The new slogan is "Vote Brian Ferdman for moe.ville mayor, or I'll break your skull." I think removing the "you stupid fuck" will make me seem like a nicer guy, a man of the people. I don't want to look like a bully. I just want to make my point. Removing the curses will also go a long way towards getting some TV airtime, and changing "head" to "skull" is very important. I don't want people to get confused, and "I'll break your fuckin' head in" is just too general. "I'll break your skull" is very specific, and it has a nice warm sound to it.

8/31/03 2:18 P.M. – Jimmy says I still sound tyrannical. I'm really getting sick of his shit. If he doesn't start agreeing with me, I'm gonna beat him within an inch of his life.

8/31/03 2:19 P.M. – Okay, the new slogan is "Vote Brian Ferdman for moe.ville mayor or you will get hurt." Clear, concise, effective. I'm not even going to run it by Jimmy because I'm not getting into this campaign to appease communists. I'm gonna be a mayor who cares what the people think, so screw Jimmy and his wussy ideas.

Now how can I promote this campaign? I don't have any posters or paper fliers. All I have is word of mouth. I think my best bet is too hide in the trees and then jump down and tackle unsuspecting moe.ville residents while shouting "Vote Brian Ferdman for moe.ville mayor or you will get hurt!" They'll totally get the message. I feel like I've won already. I better get ready for the victory orgy.

8/31/03 2:00 P.M. – MAJOR ALARM! We have a big problem here at Brian Ferdman for moe.ville mayor headquarters. We have run out of beer! I cannot believe this happened. If only that little bastard hadn't stolen a can yesterday, we'd be fine. Now we're really up the creek without a canoe. What the hell can we do without beer? You can't have fun at a concert without beer!

8/31/03 3:11 P.M. – After the longest hour in my life, hope has arrived. I met a dude selling acid, so we're gonna be okay. We just dropped, so my staff and I can make it through the day. Whew! That was a close one.

8/31/03 3:12 P.M. – What the fuck? This acid is totally bunk. It's already been a minute and nothing is happening. I cannot believe I bought bunk acid at moe.down. When I'm the mayor, this kind of corruption will never take place.

8/31/03 3:20 P.M. – Okay, tragedy narrowly averted. We just found some more acid, so we each took double what we took last time just to be safe. I think we'll be okay.

8/31/03 5:02 P.M. – Clouds coming down! Clouds coming down! Crashing all around me! Tragic! Tragic! Tragic! Purple crows are here to eat my flesh. I must feed them. Here, chew my ears. Chew them! Frankie, tell me my head is not a hammer! No, the ground is opening up and swallowing me. I'm sinking. Sinking…..sinking…...

8/31/03 6:51 P.M. – canttypecantthinkcanttypecanthinkcanttypecantthinkcanttypecanthinkcanttypecantthinkcanttypecanthinkcanttypecantthinkcanttypecanthink

8/31/03 8:49 P.M. – a green mist overtakes the camp. we're in the jungle now. No where to turn. Surrounded by wolves. It's time to take our stand. Must not leave tent….......Jimmy, pull your pants up.

8/31/03 10:38 P.M. – the wind is my friend.

8/31/03 11:12 P.M. – I am like the night. Super absorbent. Seeing all. Touching the darkness like a firm mold of licorice jello…

8/31/03 12:29 A.M. – Have you ever the rocks speak? I have. They're very quiet but if you listen closely you can hear their pain. "Why do you step on me," they ask. I don't know the answer. Why do we step on rocks? It's not fair. We are all evil. Crushing the forces of good beneath our feet. We've been brought here to wreak havoc, and we're killing the rocks. Rock is dead…that is deep.

9/01/03 10:23 A.M. – Well, moe.down is over. I didn't see any music, but I did have a great time. moe.down is about the memories, and thank God I had this computer. Otherwise, I wouldn't remember a damn thing. Anyway, this was so much fun that I'm definitely coming back next year. I may even catch some music, too. I'll certainly be getting laid. I know that for sure. I'll have a strategy next year, and they won't be able to resist me.

9/01/03 10:24 A.M. – One last thing. I lost the election. I guess it would have helped if I did some actual campaigning. At the very least, I could have let people know that I exist. So who won? An inanimate cow is now the mayor of moe.ville. It figures. Inanimate cows get all the chicks.

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