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Columns > David Steinberg - Some Are Mathematicians

Published: 2003/08/28
by David Steinberg

Pissed Me Off Then Fell In Love

LAWRENCE, KANSAS Liberty Hall was rocked on Saturday night, as city police turned out in droves to arrest musician Keller Williams on lewd conduct and indecent exposure charges.

"Mr. Williams took the stage around 8:00 PM. Almost immediately, he began playing with himself," explained Lawrence Chief of Police Chris Chinsoldier. "Mr. Williams continued playing with himself for the next hour before taking a brief break to use the bathroom. At 9:30 PM, the Lawrence Police force was summoned to the scene. Officers observed Mr. Williams as he again took the stage and commenced playing with himself for the next one-hour and forty-five minutes until his performance climaxed at 11:15 PM. Following a brief five minute encore by the now-exhausted Mr. Williams, Lt. Bob Ullthumper moved in and arrested the perpetrator."

"Let me set the record straight," Chinsoldier added. "Here in Lawrence, we don't tolerate this kind of behavior. Mr. Williams' public act of playing with himself was bad enough, but when he continued to do so for nearly three hours, he unwittingly thrust himself into the long arm of the law."

Faced with a bevy of public indecency charges, Williams professed his innocence.

"I don't see what the big deal is," remarked Williams. "I just went out onstage and started fiddling around with myself. I plunked out a little something here, and shot off a little something there. It's no big deal. I always do that in front of people, and I find it to be a very satisfying and enjoyable experience. I'll be honest, after I grab my instrument, it's hard to let it go. I just have to get it all out of me, and I'm sill a relatively young guy, so I can easily go for a couple of hours before I peter out."

Soundman and backup vocalist Lou Gossain has watched Keller Williams play with himself for many years and doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he even admits to liking it.

"Keller has a huge talent, and I enjoy seeing him show it off," explained Gossain. "I've seen him play with himself about a thousand times, but it never gets old. Sometimes, he let's me join in, but usually, I just like to watch."

While Lawrence District Attorney Ron Ahtsi decides whether or not to press charges against Williams, several Lawrence parents have organized and lobbied to put the musician behind bars. Ella Mae Eyetuhchya is the president of Parents Opposing Risque Nudity (PORN), and she's been studying the Williams case with a fine-toothed comb.

"I don't know who this Keller Williams character thinks he is," said Eyetuhchya. "But in Lawrence we don't tolerate this kind of filth. He tries to claim that he's an artist. Well, I ask you what kind of artist plays a song called Butt Ass Nipple'? A pervert, that's who."

"This Keller Williams is right up there with vagrants like Marilyn Manson and Shirley MacLaine," she continued. "I even hear that Williams wrote a song about making love in a portapotty line in the parking lot with some ho'. Disgusting! What appallingly salacious details will we learn next? Williams has a second hobby of taking art photos'? A degenerate like Williams has no chance in this case. When we take him to court, I will personally see to it that he gets creamed."

When learning of the allegations leveled by Eyetuhchya, Williams replied, "Huh?"

Later, he explained his unique relationship with his audience.

"I'm very fortunate to have such adoring fans. They just wanna see me do my thing, and I get off on that. Even if I'm exhausted, I really try to squeeze out a good one for them. As an artist, it's really enticing to have this kind of relationship with my fanbase. I may be tired, swelling, and raw by the end of the night, but I still wanna shower my fans with love. They push me onward to complete my task at hand. I'm just a lucky guy."

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