Current Issue Details

Buy Current Issue

Columns > David Steinberg - Some Are Mathematicians

Published: 2005/06/07
by David Steinberg

Wooah-ooooh What I want to know

Bob Geldof and company recently announced five July 2nd concerts across the world designed to pressure the nations of the G-8 into reforming their economic policies toward the impoverished nations of Africa. Surprisingly, this announcement has the G-8 quaking in their boots. has obtained a secret recording of a G-8 conference call in which the participating leaders express their reservations about these concerts. The following is the transcript from that conference call.

George Bush (United States)
Tony Blair (United Kingdom)
Jacques Chirac (France)
Gerhard Schroeder (Germany)
Vladimir Putin (Russia)
Silvio Berlusconi (Italy)
Junichiro Koizumi (Japan)
Paul Martin (Canada)

BUSH: What up, T? The gang's all here.

BLAIR: Hello, George, lads.

BUSH: What's going down with this Live 8 thing?

BLAIR: Well, it is starting to worry me. They are really putting pressure on us to make a change in our economic policies toward the poor in Africa.

CHIRAC: I know. At first, I thought they were kidding, but then they started talking about a Spice Girls reunion. I mean, can we handle that?

PUTIN: That's a lot of pressure. The Spice Girls do have political clout. They will tell us what they want, what they really really want.

BUSH: Sure. But these lineups are weak. We got totally shafted with some lame hip-hop acts, a few R&B re-treads, and Dave Matthews.

SCHROEDER: Ja, man. Everyone got hosed, but the London lineup is sick.

BLAIR: Oh, I say. In Berlin, you do have A-Ha.

SCHROEDER: Whoopdeefrickindoo. Now quickname another A-Ha song besides "Take On Me.".....Didn't think so.

BUSH: Relax, G. You do have Brian Wilson.

SCHROEDER: Oh, wonderful! I was worried that we wouldn't have any brain-dead tools in our lineup, but now we're covered.

BERLUSCONI: Quit your bitching. You have Crosby, Stills, and Nash.

SCHROEDER: Yeah, about 30 years too late. And where is Neil Young? I want Neil Young, damnit!


SCHROEDER: Neil fucking Young, man!

MARTIN: But you know…


MARTIN: Um, point of information. Neil Young was originally from Canada.

SCHROEDER: Good for you. Want a cookie?

PUTIN: Excuse me, but why the Hell are you here anyway? Canada doesn't have an economy. All you guys have is hockey, and…whoops! I guess you got nothin' now!

MARTIN: Keep rubbing it in, pinko.

PUTIN: Whatever you say, hoser.

CHIRAC: Children! Please— let's not fight. Everyone belongs here.

BUSH: Jock is right. Canada holds an essential position on the G-8. Who else could we get to fetch coffee during meetings?

BERLUSCONI: Alright. Let's get back to the business at hand. These Live 8 concerts are a problem.

PUTIN: At least you guys get to have a concert. All we get is Oksana Baiul singing Ashley Simpson songs on a karaoke machine in Red Square. This sucks.

KOIZUMI: Yeah, well, we don't get dick, either. Need I remind you who makes all the freaking technology to record your pampered primadonnas? In the immortal words of The Stonecutters, "WE DO…WE DO!"

SCHROEDER: So what? Japan doesn't contribute to pop music. We still have yet to hear that long lost Speed Racer album.

KOIZUMI: How about a little contribution known as the compact disc? Think your David Hasselhoff albums would sound good on a wax cylinder?

BERLUSCONI: Nothing can make Hasselhoff sound good.

SCHROEDER: Watch it, greaseball. Don't make me whip you into shape.

BERLUSCONI: Ooooh! Not another idle threat from Germany! Last time you tried to take over the world it didn't work out so well, huh?

CHIRAC: ZIP IT! You are both acting like children. Shut your pieholes now, or I will be forced to take action.

EVERYONE: (loud laughter)

CHIRAC: I'm serious. I will bring the hammer down!

EVERYONE: (louder laughter)

CHIRAC: Screw you guys. I hate you all.

BLAIR: Let us get back to the topic at hand. These concerts pose a serious problem.

SCHROEDER: The only problem is that you guys are the only ones with a sick lineup.

BLAIR: Oh, come now. You cannot be serious. We have Mariah Carey on the bill!

BUSH: Heheheh…yeah. I can't believe we pawned her off on you. I hope you have a psychotherapist nearby because she's one flat note away from another meltdown.

BLAIR: I know. And with Madonna, the Scissor Sisters, and Elton John on the bill, it looks like a bloody Gay Pride parade!

BUSH: Wait a second— Elton John is gay?

EVERYONE: (laughter)

BUSH: He can't be gay. He wrote The Lion King!

BLAIR: Sorry, George. He's as gay as the day is long.

BUSH: This can't be. Gay people are not part of the circle of life. How long has he been gay?

CHIRAC: Oh, I'd say it started when he first appeared on stage in a dress and platform heels in the early seventies.

BUSH: I thought he was just being flamboyant.

EVERYONE: (louder laughter)

CHIRAC: Look, let's face it. Gay or not, London has all the good acts. France got royally gypped. Our big name is Jamiroquai? Has anyone seen his career? I think he misplaced it. Then we get Yannick Noah? Super. The world needs more former tennis players turned pop-stars.

BUSH: Wasn't John McEnroe available? We'd be happy to let you have him.

CHIRAC: No thanks. We already have enough no-talents on our bill.

BERLUSCONI: Now wait a minute. You got Andrea Bocelli. How the Hell did our biggest name wind up in France?

CHIRAC: He couldn't see where he was going and took a wrong turn at the Alps.

KOIZUMI: Dude, that's just wrong. Funny, but wrong.

BUSH: Yeah, well why didn't these Live 8 people show some love for the U.S.? I mean, we put the G in G-8.

MARTIN: What does that mean?

BUSH: I told you not to speak until I gave you permission.

MARTIN: Yes, Massa.

BUSH: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by the maid, our lineup blows. P-Diddy? What's he gonna do? Give us a half-assed rap over "Bohemian Rhapsody"? Somebody should stick to making clothes and leave the music to people with talent. Speaking of talent, does Rob Thomas have any?

KOIZUMI: Are you kidding? That song "Smooth" is da bomb.

BUSH: First of all, "Smooth" sucks. It's a poor man's "Evil Ways." Second of all, that song is all about Santana. Rob Thomas without Santana is like

CHIRAC: Invading Iraq and not finding any weapons of mass destruction?


BUSH: Very funny, ladies. Anyway, our whole lineup still sucks ass. Am I supposed to get excited about Jay-Z? That guy has been retired forever.

PUTIN: Not true. He sat in with Phish last summer.

BUSH: Vlad, you like Phish?

PUTIN: I caught them in Amsterdam in '97. That was one cool trip. I got on back of the worm. I don't remember anything about it, but I'm pretty sure it was cool. Good times.

BERLUSCONI: Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth…our lineup sucks, too. Performing in the Circus Maximus, a legendary venue, are some of the biggest no-names around. Laura Pasini, Irene Grandi, Johnny Rigatoni…has anyone ever heard of these people?

BLAIR: Be fair. You do have Duran Duran.

CHIRAC: Ah, man. They are the shit.

PUTIN: Werd.

SCHROEDER: Total sickness.

BERLUSCONI: I'm down with that, but who's bright idea was it to include Faith Hill and Tim McGraw? Country music and Italy go together like—

CHIRAC: Weapons of mass destruction and Iraq?


BUSH: Booooooo.

BERLUSCONI: Hill and McGraw will go over like a led balloon.

SCHROEDER: Speaking of led balloons, will we have to suffer through another half-assed Led Zeppelin reunion with Phil Collins on drums?

BLAIR: No, at least as far as Collins in concerned. That cheeseball has retired.

SCHROEDER: Bullshit. You know how these rock-stars are. Dangle some cash and a little poon-tang in front of their nose and they'll be headlining at the House of Blues Jakarta in a heartbeat.

CHIRAC: Yeah, Phil Collins and retirement go together like Iraq and weapons of mass destruction.


SCHROEDER: Dude, you're really pushing it.

BUSH: That's it. I have an idea!

CHIRAC: Are you feeling okay?

BUSH: Look, why don't we cut a deal with the Live 8 people? We'll give them what they want in exchange for a promise that Phil Collins will never make music again.

PUTIN: Genius!

BERLUSCONI: Brilliant!

KOIZUMI: Wait. Let's raise the stakes. Force Sting to retire, too. Okay, we can let him make songs for cartoons, but that's it. No more crappy New Age albums.

BLAIR: That's good, but what about thisforce The Police to reunite and make Collins their towelboy!

SCHROEDER: Blair, you're a sick bastard, but I love it.

MARTIN: Hold on! Let's force Abba to get back together, too!

CHIRAC: Um…why?

MARTIN: Because I love the song "Fernando"?

SCHROEDER: It figures.

PUTIN: I have a better idea. Let's vote Canada out of the G-8. All in favor?


PUTIN: Opposed?...Sweet! The motion carries. The G-7 meets in July. See you bitches then. We Audi.

Show 2 Comments