I recall staring wide-eyed at my third grade teacher on January 29, 1986, the day after the space shuttle Challenger exploded before the nation's awaiting eyes. "It was out of our control," the newscaster's voice echoed throughout the silent classroom. I walked home from school that day, the crisp winter air surrounding me with its own fury. Feeling betrayed and confused, the newscaster's words rang through my mind eerily. I struggled to understand what had taken place, and why such a tragedy was out of immediate control. My continuous and ongoing search for answers was seemingly unfounded, even as I entered my thirteenth year of research on this matter.

I realized only this year that perhaps it was not the scientific answer that I was desperately searching for. I had already received that information many times. Numerous websites, broadcasts, tv specials, and other sources for world news reports had already alerted the public as to many of the reasons why the Challenger exploded into a Y-shaped ring of fire seventy-three minutes after its takeoff. However, that hardly explained why I continued to shake furiously when I listened to the original broadcast again back in February of this year. I found the tears streaming down my face to be anything but comforting, and my own cries of, "Why?" were greeted by the same silence I had encountered many years before.

I wanted to know why seven people were suddenly taken away from us. I wanted to know why the students of Christa McAuliffe would be forever tainted by watching their beloved teacher pass away so suddenly like that. I wanted these answers as clearly defined to me, and the answer never came.

Consequently, I found myself asking the same questions in regards to music one night not too long ago when seeing Phish at Nassau Coliseum. During a monumental Harry Hood, my soul escaped my living body and for the first time in my life, I felt at one with everything. Paradoxically, I felt completely out of control. Immediately following that fateful night, I began asking myself, "Why?" again. Why did this particular song, one that I had heard numerous times before, suddenly have such an effect on me? Why did it take this many Phish shows for me to feel this particular way? Why did only one other person that night seem to understand exactly what I was talking about? I mused over this concept endlessly, and found myself repeating onto deaf ears: "...it was out of my control." Suddenly, it made the most sense in the world.

I suppose Dark Side of the Muse can simply be looked upon as an outlet to shed musical knowledge, questions, answers, and concepts. I also suppose it can also be some sort of forum in which I can express in some way the effects - all of them, mind you - that music has had on me since I was small. However, that is not quite enough. Instead, I take all these things and mix in a twist of fate and destiny and circumstance, and instead of answering questions (yours and mine), perhaps we'll ask some more along the way.

Fate.
March 22, 1983
The Taft School, Watertown, CT.

"We are sorry," the little slip of paper read, "but at this time we cannot grant you acceptance into the University of Vermont."

Trey Anastasio sat down at the edge of his bed and licked his right pointer finger. He then attempted to smudge the blue signature at the bottom of the University stationery. "Just as I thought," he laughed, staring at the paper, "it's a form letter."

He laughed again, this time a bit louder, and crumpled the rejection letter into a little ball. "Oh well," he shrugged, looking at his roommate, "guess I am going to go back to Jersey!" ...

Imagine that. A simple letter, a rejected college application, would have prevented the events that led to Phish being created and developed in the form that we know it as today. Sure, Trey could have started another band, or even met up with one or all of them later on in life, but it would indeed have been different.

It is no secret to any thinker that fate is something that is somewhat uncontrollable. It has been the cause of much speculation and a definitive answer has not been and probably never will be found. Indeed, Trey's acceptance into UVM proved to be wonderful for not only him, but for so many fans of Phish's music. It is hard for me to imagine my life without Phish's influence in it.

In experiencing so many great things in my short life thus far, I often wonder what it would be like if Jimi Hendrix lost his hands in a car crash, or if Freddie Mercury sang on Broadway instead. The simplest and seemingly easiest decisions, by anyone, could wind up effecting millions of people.

Famous people, and in this specific case, rock stars, are given a voice. This voice then becomes the representation of massive amounts of people. More often than not, people strive to be famous and fail, and then think that perhaps it was unfair; fate did not grant them as loud of a voice that they wanted. Seeing as even the littlest decisions have grandiose effects in the long run, this really is not entirely true.

Since I was very young, I had wanted to be a rock star. In fact, the answer I would always give to the age-old 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' was, 'A star!' pretty much every time. But, as I got older, the question got a bit harder. Besides obvious laughter and the occasional, 'Well, that's...great!' coming from the surprised questioner, most people who did not automatically shun the idea then asked, 'Why?'

Such a difficult answer to what is seemingly a simple question. Why a rock star? Fame? Fortune? Glam and glitter? Perhaps for some. But for me, it was more that I had something to say, and I wanted everyone in the world to be able to hear it. Of course, I still do. Nowadays, however, I have come to realize that my opinions and feelings and emotions, the same ones that I express through my own music and lyrics, can speak to millions even if I do not become a rock star. Fate has already taken care of this for me, as long as I simply continue living.

I cannot stop fate, although I can continue to strive towards a goal that I would wish to achieve in my life. But what happens if I do not become a star? How, then, does my voice reach such a massive amount of people?

Every single thing we do has many more effects than we even dream of. Our personalities, though somewhat altered throughout our lives, encompass all that we are. Whether we are musicians, writers, doctors, clergymen, or anything we could fathom, our personalities shine daily as we interact normally with others. Because of this, we already have a big voice. If we simply stand up for what we believe in, love what we do, and live life to the fullest, we are already achieving a wonderful goal.

Fate dances with the successful musician as he brings with him influence from his entire life in his music. Your favorite song or most loved lyrics have some thought behind them, more than just an attractive storyline or chord structure. Although sometimes you can pinpoint specific influence in artists, what is not realized is that you may have had some of that impact without even knowing it. That is why it is so important to continue to be expressive and not to lose sight on just how important you, as an individual person, are.

I wonder if the person in charge of admissions at the University of Vermont back in 1983 knows just how important that acceptance letter was^+