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Features

Published: 2002/09/25
by Brian Ferdman

Featured Department: Inaudible HissThe Tale of the Tape: NFL Football vs. Jambands

This month we are featuring a selection from our humor section, Inaudible Hiss

Now that Sundays are once again holy, and with all due respect to Nick Bakay, I humbly offer this tale of the tape between two of my deepest passions-NFL Football Games and Jamband Concerts:

CATEGORY*NFL FOOTBALL GAMES**JAMBAND CONCERTS**ADVANTAGE*
Pregame/Preshow behaviorTailgatingForming a circleJambands
Pregame/Preshow delicaciesBratwurst, burgers, and other cholesterol-inducing foodsVeggie burritos, Vegan stir-fry, and goo-ballsJambands (purely because of the nutritional value of goo-balls)
Dangerous parking lot delicacy at Philadelphia eventsNitrous tanksNitrous tanksPush
Beverage of choiceBud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, or any other beer that looks similar to urineSamuel Smith’s Oatmeal StoutJambands
Unique clothing worn by fansTeam colors; bare chests covered in body paint; cheeseheadsTie-dyed T-shirts; handmade sweaters and dresses; fairy wingsNFL
Items for sale in the parking lotBootleg T-shirts, posters, and big foam #1 handsBootleg T-shirts, posters, and nuggetsJambands
Eye-candyShapely cheerleaders dancing in low-cut uniformsSweaty hairy-backed men dancing in hula hoopsNFL
Items thrown by fansBeerGlow sticksPush
Popular crowd chants"Hold that line!" and "DE-FENSE!""Know our love will not fade away!" and "WIL-SON!"NFL
Halftime/Setbreak activitiesWaiting in line for 1,000 years to pee or get water; stepping out to the concourse for a cigarette break, watching a third-rate marching band play Barry Manilow’s greatest hitsWaiting in line for 1,000 years to pee or get water; stepping out to the concourse in futile hopes of finding oxygen; tripping out as you hallucinate a third-rate marching band of cockroaches playing Barry Manilow’s greatest hits slowly devouring your left armJambands
Unexpected arrivalsA second-string quarterback makes an appearance and stinks up the joint.A special guest makes an appearance and the crowd lights up a jointJambands
SecurityFull body cavity search upon entering venue; undercover security looking to bust people who are fightingFull body cavity search upon entering venue; undercover security looking to bust people who are having a good timeNFL
Television coverageEvery Sunday afternoon and evening, as well as every Monday night in seasonAustin City Limits on a static-filled PBS station around 12:30 A.M. about three times per yearNFL
Pre-event radio coverageScores of radio station vans line the parking lot, while broadcasting a program of ex-jocks babbling for hours before the gameThe local top 40 "alternative" station tries to appear hip by sending a van to blare Matchbox 20 throughout the parking lot and give away the latest CD’s by Korn and Limp Bizkit.NFL
Anal-retentive fan behaviorFans who arrive at the parking lot at precisely 8:00 A.M. and enter the stadium three hours before game time wearing the same clothing every week and headphones playing the radio broadcastThe tapers’ sectionPush
Divine Intervention"The Immaculate Reception""Dude, that killer jam where they all, like, you know, turned the corner at the same time and got deep into the funk— you know, that was some sick-ass shit." Jambands

And there you have it. It's a close contest, but Jambands come out on top by a goo-ball.

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