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Published: 2004/10/30
by Cosmic Zink

Featured Quasi-Horoscope:Astro Jams

ARIES (March 21st-April 19th): Your month is full of surprises, and most will be good surprises. Like the surprisingly satisfying and rocking Stockholm Syndrome show you just saw. You seem to have latched on to some really good vibes and, consequently, life’s path is unwinding easily before you. You’re pretty much stoked, brah. Your month winds on like a pleasing upbeat jam that has every one gettin’ their groove on.
TAURUS (April 20th-May 20th): You may feel as though you’ve been kicked in the head by a mule this month. That’s because you forgot to catch Gov’t Mule when they played in your town. Missing the soulful singing and passionate guitar playing of Warren fills you with feelings of regret. At least there are many great jambands touring across the nation….no matter what, you’ll get your live music fix.
GEMINI (May 21st-June 20th): Wallowing in the mire of motivation-sapping dank nuggets, you’ve been struggling this month. Fall’s harvest is great and all, but you need to get SOME work done. Enjoy live music at your favorite club as a reward for completing some tasks that don’t involve any bubbling water for a change, Cheech.

CANCER (June 21st-July 22nd): Put the sausage and beer down, I think you’ve had enough. Stop thinking ‘October fest’ and start thinking ‘Halloween.’ Don’t count on meeting any ghouls of the opposite sex at a phat Halloween show with that monstrous beer belly hanging around. Find a living thing and hack it apart with an axe.
LEO (July 23rd-August23rd): There have been many great rock anthems concerning the passage of time. Unfortunately, you seem to be getting the muzak versions of Pink Floyd’s ‘Time’ all month long. You’re in a rut of boredom, most likely because you’ve been burning your braincells watching too much TV. Maybe a psychedelic show with the Steve Kimock Band will have you buckin’ up and gettin’ down. Have fun on Halloween, too. No one likes a Halloweeny.

VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd): Just as you sip on the first cold and refreshing Red Tail Ale of the evening, you remember that you were supposed to meet some folks for dinner. As the tunes coming from the speakers near the stage start to make you move and dance, you decide to diss your friends. You see them all the time anyway. Do something nice for yourself this month and enjoy it without any guilty feelings.

LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd): If ghosts with dreads and goblins wearing patchouli oil are business as usual each Halloween, you might be jamband fan. The anticipation of this sacred holiday has you all worked up. Have a ghoulish night on the town with your favorite band. If you feel tired by the end of the night, chow down on some candy for quick energy.
SCORPIO (October 24th-November 21st): There might be a gory mess dripping out from a crack in your damaged skull this month. Don’t let a black cat cross your path or bad luck may hit you harder than a terrible ghoul smashing apart someone’s flesh and bones with a bloodstained hammer. Take heed of the unsettling knowledge that you will only find light by seeking impenetrable darkness.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22nd-December 21st): You are quite the performer this month. You’re up on stage enjoying the spotlight! In fact, you’re fun is infectious and soon you have many people drumming and playing and singing along! It’s almost as if you were morphing into the band Hamsa Lila as they were blazing through a rhythmic, rollicking, tribal set of music. Your quick wit may help you out with the bartender while begging for one more drink even though last call was 4 minutes ago.

CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th): After experiencing the intense head trip of a Sector Nine show, you try to get your bearings again this month. You feel as if you’ve been spinning around through a vortex of audio clouds, sunlight, and joy and that you may well be the strongest manimal in the Plasma-lite Galaxy. Either it was a GREAT time or you are still reeling from whatever substance you ingested before the show.
AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 18th): If your soul feels dark and cloudy as daylight savings time begins, mack in the sunny vibes of some phat tunes. Throw some freshly burned discs from a summer Galactic show in the deck and ride the funky wave, baby. Some of you may start to feel a small funk coming on by mid-month. Ignore it and go buy some incense at your local headshop.

PISCES (February 19th-March 20th): At the pit of your stomach is hairy ball of fear. Halloween is coming and your mind’s eye is clouded with images of bloody murder, ferocious creatures, and satanic curses. A dark mist of hate and horror swirl all around you. Let it all peak super hard at the Umphrey’s McGee Halloween show in dank, dark, and creepy Portland, OR. It’s scary how good these guys are!

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