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Published: 2005/04/05

Five Years of Very Important April First Coverage

We here at Jambands.com pride ourselves on the scintillant news coverage we now offer each and every April First (or something like that). Here are a few of the stories we have broken (and we mean broken) over the past five years.

Keller Williams To Break Up (2001)
Keller Williams has decided to part ways, with a final performance expected at the Bonnaroo Music festival. While it’s unclear where the separation will take place, many anticipate a dorsal division. No statement has been released on the cause of the break-up, although many point to the classic right brain/left brain conflict as well as an inability to wrest kellerwilliams.com from a real estate company.
Williams’ next show is on April 3 at Levelz in Steamboat, CO. Updated info can be found at Kellerwilliams.net.

Gamelan Interactive Burns Down, Again (2000)
The new Needham offices of Gamelan Interactive burned to the ground Friday afternoon, marking the second time such a tragedy has occurred over the past few months. "It was my idea to build the new headquarters out of tissue paper and matchbooks," stated Interactive publicist Howard Turkenkopf, "and it really was a sight to behold before it disappeared in twelve seconds of fiery blaze." Gamelan, suspecting that Boston may be the problem, has announced it is relocating its headquarters. Built out of sturdy balsa wood in Hawaii’s Volcanos National Park, it is expected to last for weeks.

Dark Star Orchestra Taper Surrenders to Authorities (2004)
Following months of pursuit by private investigator Carl Hanratty, Dark Star Orchestra taper Peter "Flash" Rioux has finally been located and is undergoing rehabilitation. Rioux was found in an undisclosed Hampton Inn locked into the fetal position, clutching his copy of the DSO 2/9/04 performance with Donna Jean (Godchaux) MacKay, muttering, "It’s an original show, it’s an original show." Nonetheless in what is being described as "a fierce bid for his sanity," Rioux has been taken to a minimal security boot camp in Ithaca, NY for a prescribed diet of Dicks Picks and Betty Boards.

"Hitting the Bottle": Charlie Trucks Tells All (2005)
A new tell-all book has the Derek Trucks Band reeling. The autobiography of Charlie Trucks chronicles numerous instances of on-stage napping and sessions with the bottle. A source within the DTB camp, now in spin control mode, commented, "Derek gave that kid his big break when he sat in with Les Paul but Charlie squandered the opportunity and just spent a lot of time drooling all over himself. He never tried to break out on his own, and his livelihood became totally dependent on Derek and Susan (Tedeschi). I don’t think he’s really cut out for the music business because it’s a tough life and you just can’t cry when things don’t go your way. Now I will admit that little crumbsnatcher has the rock star mentality down pat— constantly needing to be pacified, requiring that he be fed and have his butt wiped by others, insisting that he be personally carried to his destination, etc. And he would get more play than anyone I’ve ever seen!"
Charlie Trucks’ publicist, Jim Walsh, shrugged off any criticism. "Listen, the dude just turned three. He has stories to tell." Diaper Dandy is co-authored by Dick Vitale.

Flying Turtle Destroys Phish Venue (2000)
Gamera, a flying radioactive turtle, destroyed the Hibiya Outdoor Theatre in Tokyo early this morning with a burst of its fiery breath. While most observers saw the attack as pure malice over not being able to afford a ticket for the show, local boy Kenny differed. "Gamera is friend to all children," he said.
For more details about Phish’s Japan tour, including information on a replacement venue, go to http://www.phish.com/tourdate.html .

Rob Derhak Accused of Steroid Use (2005)

An unnamed source (known only as ‘pedal pusher’) has contacted Jambands.com with allegations regarding steroid abuse by moe. bass player Rob Derhak. Our source sent us the above photo of an enraged Derhak in the process of applying the ‘Acadia Backbreaker Rack’ to moe. guitarist Al schnier after Schnier reportedly asked him to cover his mouth while sneezing. ‘Pedal pusher’ believes that Derhak started taking the illegal substance in effort to elicit deeper, more resonant vocals and also because all his favorite baseball players do it so it seems cool.

Naughty Bits Torrents (2004)
The rapid pace of technological innovation in peer-to-peer filesharing continues. The latest development is Naughty Bits Torrents. This aggressive technology has exhibited a stunning capacity to probe, particularly when working with files that are unzipped. However, some quirks do remain as it will only share live performances that originated from Johnston State College along with the music of Richard Betts.

Relix Publisher To Offer Readers The Sense of Smell (2001)
Steve Bernstein, the publisher of the relaunched Relix Magazine has announced plans to push his celebrated redesign into a new realm, by accompanying most articles with patent-pending waft-o-rama technology. This innovation, which will allow Relix readers to smell odors "relevant to given stories" will begin with the June issue. Says Bernstein, "It seemed appropriate to launch this with our Summer Tour Preview. Why not get people fired up for the shows with a brief reminder of that distinctive mid-tour smell when you’re in your car, without air conditioning, hoping to catch-up on a week’s worth of baths, while sitting in traffic outside the Tweeter Center." In related news, rumors persist that the new Relix will also include a Jonathan Schwartz action figure. Schwartz, away from the office on Biscuits tour, could not be reached for comment.

Alleged Jerry Garcia Guitar Surfaces, No Lawsuits Expected Over "Lamb Chop" (2002)
As litigation continues regarding the ownership and tax status of "Wolf" and "Tiger," a New Mexico man has announced the discovery of a "lost" Garcia guitar he has dubbed "Lamb Chop." Nicholas "Gemini Sage" Johnson III, a rain stick magnate claims that he designed the guitar for Garcia, who used it in some undisclosed parking lots during the mid-1980’s. "At least it was somebody who looked like Jerry," Johnson notes. At present, however, the provenance of the guitar remains suspect, as does the purported mother of pearl inlay which looks suspiciously like Sharpie marker. The design is oddly reminiscent of both a baby-sheep steak and the popular children’s sock puppet . A representative for the estate of Shari Lewis adds, "This is wrong in so many ways."
"Tiger" and "Wolf" will be on display at the Relix Auction Preview and Benefit at New York’s Theater 99 on April 11. There is no word on the possible appearance of "Lamb Chop."

Umphrey’s McGee To Announce Hiatus in 08 (2005)
Citing specifications in the jamband blueprint, Umphrey’s McGee will embark on an indefinite hiatus in 2008. The group’s first extended road-break will come on the heels of a sold-out Red Rocks run. "We will be taking a little break to get back to our roots," says guitarist Brendan Bayliss. "Somewhere around our first Roseland Ballroom appearance, I think we’ll lose sight of our vision. I think we’ll start to believe we were a little unfairly lumped in along with all the jambands. We always considered ourselves more of a improvisational prog-rock band who happens to jam—-not a jamband. "
The group also will be diagnosed with a mild case of aRAQnophobia which is the fear of being compared in a favorable light to a really kick-ass band.
Thankfully, Umphrey’s will return fifteen months later on a nationwide tour sponsored by passedoutwookies.com.

Hammerstein Ballroom Changes Ticketing Process (2005)
After some surprisingly quick sell outs for popular concerts, the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City has decided to change its ticket policies. Instead of having a system where some ticket brokers can get tickets before they go on-sale to the general public, now all ticket sales will be handled by a scalping agency.
A spokesman for Encore Tickets said, "This is great for the consumer. The Ticketmaster middleman is eliminated allowing us to pass the savings onto…well no one actually, but it’s still great."

Spearhead to Headline FCC Benefit (2004)
The much-maligned FCC is taking it to the streets this summer with a series of events designed to celebrate the wonders of regulated speech in all its forms. Brattleboro, Vermont will host the festivities over July 4th weekend, which will give FCC enthusiasts the opportunity to meet some of their favorite government regulators, receive complimentary limited edition mufflers, and witness the debut of the agency’s new mascot, Mutey. Spearhead will provide the musical entertainment which will be broadcast in 10 watts of glory by Radio Free Brattleboro. The street fair also will provide citizens with a rare opportunity to contribute directly to the FCC cause. In response to the observation that the FCC is funded by the federal government and requires no charitable donations, spokesman Hack Sinecure responded "shhhh."

Wetlands Preserve to Re-Open; Slight Name Change Necessitated by Economic Climate (2003)
New York’s Wetlands Preserve will re-open next month, more than a year and a half after its landlord forced the venue to close its doors in order to "Make Way for Condos" (soon to be a beloved children’s story). Owner Peter Shapiro’s ongoing efforts in the film world caused him to sell his interest in the club to former daytime television host Herschel Krustofsky who promptly cited "economic necessity" and rechristened it the Verizon Wireless Tweeter Wetlands Center Presented by TDK. Tickets to forthcoming shows will carry a $1.50 facilities fee along with a $2.50 parking charge. When reminded that there is no lot or garage affiliated with the club, Krustofsky responded, "Who said there was?" He also suggested that the new name may be a bit unwieldy, so "we may have to drop the word Wetlands. But other than that nothing will change, it’s all about the vibe. Oh yes and be sure to mention that the vibe will be enhanced by Microsoft’s Windows XP."

Hamsterjam 2005
Festivaraians and fans of adventure travel can take heart at the latest addition to the festival docket, Hamsterjam. The festival will take place at a remote undisclosed island where concertgoers will be dropped off and then required to negotiate a maze of natural terrain in order to find their way to the concert field. A rotund multi-millionaire known only as Hurley will serve as the emcee of Hamsterjam which will feature performances by 48 bands including Keller Williams, Zilla and MOFRO.

Particle Sits In With Particle (2004)
Last night at the Eagles Club in Milwaukee, WI, eager to receive the infusion of energy offered by a guest player but unable to identify a worthy invitee (with opnening artist Buckethead otherwise engaged in a Crispy Strips imbroglio), Particle decided to take matters into its own hands. So at the outset of its performance, the band’s keyboardist Steve Molitz and bass player Eric Gould announced that they would sit in with the group. Molitz and Gould joined in for the opening "Launchpad" (the title track from the quartet’s new studio disc) and remained on stage for "Cyclops Suzie," "Ed & Molly," "The Golden Gator," "Metropolis," "Loose Caboose," "Axel F" "7 Minutes til’ Radio Darkness," and in fact the entire show. Given the pending Hot Wings entanglements likely to sideline their tub-topped opener, Drummer Darren Pujalet and guitarist Charlie Hitchcock may well collaborate with the band this evening at the Cabooze in Minneapolis.

Soulive and moe. to Perform in Kitchen Stadium (2001)
Soulive and moe. will build on their ongoing popularity in Japan by playing a series of concerts at Kitchen Stadium during Iron Chef competitions. Iron Chef Chairman Takeshi Kaga, Creator of Kitchen Stadium, is eager for the collaboration. "If memory serves me, the subtle shadings of Soulive’s music and the intricate interplay of moe. will match well with the innovation and skill of my Iron Chefs." It is unclear at this time whether moe.vegan Al Schnier will challenge Meatless Meat Iron Chef Ishinabe Masaharu. The full performances will be aired in the United States as a series of Food TV specials in December.

Another Music Festival To Take Place (2003)
Music-lovers can take heart in learning that Another Musical Festival will take place. Featuring a roster of artists from the progressive underground grassroots music scene, festival organizers have secured a field. A big field. The promoter comments "blah blah blah Bonnaroo. Blah blah blah Bonnaroo. Blah blah branding, blah blah CD/DVD. Blah Blah Bonnaroo." The festival organizers also note, "We’re working with local authorities to study the traffic patterns and maximize the existing roadways that we have coming into the venue. When there are particular surges there may be back ups." Confirmed acts include Mofro, Kaki King and the Roots.

The Music of Bonerama Featured in Upcoming Ron Jeremy Film (2005)
An accidental keystroke has given birth to a new Bonerama fan, infamous adult film star Ron Jeremy. After discovering the New Orleans-based horn ensemble on the Internet, Jeremy was stunned by the power of their music. He reportedly was making his daily pilgrimage to Bonerama.com when the hirsute Jeremy, also known as The Hedgehog, entered .net by mistake. Jeremy plans to feature Bonerama on the soundtrack of his upcoming film, Shake Your Rugalator. There’s no word on whether or not the individual members of Bonerama will perform roles in the film, but Jeremy is on the lookout for men "with big instruments." Sousaphone player Matt Perrine declined comment.

Nothing Happening With Warren Haynes (2005)
In a startling turn of events, Warren Haynes has announced that this coming Sunday he is going to "take it easy, maybe check out a movie." Haynes is currently in Europe with Gov’t Mule for a relaxing tour following the Allman Brothers Band Beacon run. Upon returning to America he will fly to Tennessee to open a U.S Mule tour before traveling to California for the first leg of the summer Allman Brothers Band tour which will dovetail nicely with his solo acoustic dates which will bisect the Summer Mule Tour in between legs of the ABB Tour. As for this Sunday’s itinerary, Haynes explains, "It’s up in the air. (Guitar tech Brian) Farmer tells me that Miss Congeniality 2 is super cool. After that I’ll probably do some busking, hit the studio for a quick recording session, sit in with Cosmonauti, busk a bit more and call a rehearsal."

Comments

There is 1 comment associated with this post

Kalle January 13, 2013, 06:03:26

- Congrats to you as well!!I was hesitant in puttnig anything on here, but most readers here are aware of what I’m doing and where I’ve been , but I did not want to come across as patting myself on the back .I don’t really have that bug , but I’m also aware that my employment options will increase GREATLY with a masters in counseling as opposed to a BS. a0That is probably the degree I would seek (masters in christian counseling), but I might seek a Masters in Divinity. a0Decisions, decisions . a0I have awhile to think about it though. a0I’ll definitely wait, at least, until my wife’s deployment is over. a0Not sure I could take master’s level classes while playing single parent .

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