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Published: 2010/08/31
by LynnGuppy aka Lynn Kestenbaum

A Survival Guide to moe.down

ALWAYS BRING A SECOND (OR THIRD) PAIR OF PANTS (AND USE YOUR FLASHLIGHT)

A few years back, one of my buddies went to piss in the woods on the hill. He slipped and fell on his ass… on/in a pile of someone’s (sausage pizza?) puke. Ol’ Puke Butt only brought 1 pair of pants to moe.down. Luckily, he did have 1 pair of shorts to wear while he scrubbed his pants in the cold Adirondack night, cursing in disgust. Some say on a clear night if you listen carefully, you can still hear the howls of Puke Butt deep within the hills of Turin. “Nooooo!! Noooo!! Whyyyyyy??”

IF IT RAINS ON FRIDAY...

If it shitstorms on Fri > Sat AM, during the Saturday afternoon moe. set, when the bass and drums really get going (like if you’ve got a Timmy or Brent Black or SOMP or Bearsong), the pool of water that has collected in the tarp above the stage finally gives way and a spectacular wave of water is released upon the front/center of the crowd. Best view in the house, eh? Recipients of this soaking will get laughed at by the band & rest of the audience. You’ve been warned.

PORT-A-POTTIES

Take note of the cleaning schedule and attempt to synchronize your body with it. You may want to bring along some TP in case there’s a shortage.

COTTON BALLS ARE YOUR FRIENDS

Some folks prefer earplugs, but sometimes just a little piece of a cotton ball combined with the tinnitus you already have, makes the perfect white noise sleep-aid for moe.down. Strong enough to to dampen the shitty guitar playing, drum circles, and your neighbors practicing their “Rebel Yells” at 4am, but light enough that you’ll hear the crazy girl screaming “THE CAMPSITE IS ON FIRE!! THE CAMPSITE IS ON FIRE!!” after she throws a lit stove at security for trying to bust her nitrous operation.

BE SAFE

On a serious note- keep an eye on each other and be safe. It should go without saying that friends don’t let friends buy mixed drinks from a Wook.

LOOK UP

Don’t forget to check out the stars.

DON’T THROW THINGS AT THE BANDS (NOT JUST A moe.down RULE)

Holy crap, I was mortified when someone hit John McCrea from Cake with a glowstick a few years back. We’re lucky he didn’t walk off. Cat In The Hat, I’m looking at YOU.

THOSE PROPZ... ARE NOT MAD AT ALL

Eventually, someone with a “prop” is going to block your view of the stage. It happens every year. This person thinks the entire crowd would rather see a giant jellyfish instead of the last 3 minutes of Perry Farrell’s set. Or a flying pig on a stick that’s bouncing right in front of Chuck’s face for an hour. It’s annoying as shit. I’m not sure what my bit of advice is on these, but go with your gut. Your gut might say to break that prop-master’s thumbs. Sometimes mine does. I haven’t, but have often fantasized about how awesome it would be. Yeah… Yeah, I’ll bet it’d be awesome.

SUNDAY

By Sunday night you will be broken. I don’t run, but I imagine this is what runners refer to as “hitting the wall”. You can make it, you’ve just gotta keep pushing!!! You’re almost there! It’s gonna be worth it!!! Also, take more advil.

And last but certainly not least…

DON’T BLOCK MY VIEW OF ROB

This is pretty self-explanatory.

Have a happy moe.down, everyone! To ELEVEN!

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Comments

There are 34 comments associated with this post

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the guy above me eats paint chips August 30, 2011, 15:19:36

that’s a funny article, good job!

Wookified Nappyhead September 1, 2010, 10:33:01

Dude, it’s Turkwookistan not Wookbekistan!

mc'moe.lovin September 1, 2010, 11:44:24

nice article,bra…..funny informative and enjoyable

brian September 1, 2010, 12:10:29

Good article, the whole “glass bottles” thing has been a staple at every festival I have been too for 10 years.. They will take it!!!!

hern September 1, 2010, 13:34:37

know your buzz, folks!

bun September 1, 2010, 13:48:16

vote 4 rex, mayor of moe.down

Rex September 1, 2010, 13:56:58

Vote Rex for mayor of moe.down 2010!

T.McClure September 1, 2010, 14:25:21

Love it. Especially the part about people with stupid Props! KYS prop-people-no one needs to see your tired shit on a pole. Save the Pole for Rancid’s mom.

Loo September 1, 2010, 15:26:49

Vote for Captain Creepy for mayor of moe.ville!!!!!!!!!! (he’s watching)

creepylove September 1, 2010, 15:30:21

captain creepy is effing insane. a god among men. when he tries to touch you, remember: he’s as scared of you as you are of him.

Philly_Funk September 1, 2010, 15:32:24

I heard about this Captain Creep dude. With a name like that, he has my vote

Loo September 1, 2010, 15:36:28

creep.down

SoFl_freak September 1, 2010, 15:50:22

I want to be touched by Captain Creepy! I have a thing for men in small shorts and captain’s hats.

gator1 September 1, 2010, 15:52:14

Capt’n Creepers!! he’s got my vote.

No Frills footwear September 1, 2010, 16:46:47

free-floating moe.staches….
watch out for that creep dude.
he follows them.

al September 1, 2010, 17:10:13

this is the most awesome pre-fest article (esp. about moe.down)!

mike September 1, 2010, 17:28:40

i’ve never had trouble sleeping at moe.down, and always camp in turkwookistan. but the whole bit about setting your body to the cleaning of the portopotties is on point. always wake up right when they are cleaned, makes for easy festi pooping!

Rob Derhak September 1, 2010, 17:50:32

Please don’t throw glowsticks at me. Thanks in advance.

Chuck Garvey September 1, 2010, 17:51:06

Yes. Leave the glowsticks at home.

Rob Derhak & Chuck Garvey September 1, 2010, 17:56:56

WE COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE THE GLOWSTICKS HOME!

nate September 1, 2010, 17:58:56

good stuff!

Raz September 1, 2010, 18:02:42

Clearly this whole article is written for the n00bs. Being an obvious veteran of moe.down, I find this article to be somewhat useless. The real question is where can I find massages with happy endings?

lynnguppy September 1, 2010, 19:26:15

Raz- ask your mom.

lynnguppy's mom September 1, 2010, 20:02:12

Lynn, i taught you better than that. Raz, come see me. I’ll hook you up!

rancid's mom September 1, 2010, 20:31:52

raz, i’ll be to the side of the buzz stage… 143245

rancids mom September 1, 2010, 20:32:44

Save some strength for me Raz

Cousin Dave September 1, 2010, 20:32:47

Aw man love it

Cousin Dave September 1, 2010, 20:33:07

Aw man love it

Cousin Dave September 1, 2010, 20:34:54

aw cousin dave is drunk agin and doesn’t know how to use the internets. dammit

Beaser September 1, 2010, 21:15:14

this article reminded me of all the good things (and not so good, but memorable things) that make moe.down fun as shit! Makes me really want to just go this weekend..

spwal September 2, 2010, 03:57:24

woooo hooo! nice write up! (~);}

Will September 2, 2010, 07:52:51

A quick addition about this year’s venue, Gelston Castle… I went to see Furthur there in July and for theat one-day, one-band show, we were stuck in traffic for over 2 1/2 hours and missed part of the set. All traffic is routed to one entrance and it was a nitemare. I would expect the traffic to be Big Cypress-like for a large festival like this.

thisarticlesucks September 2, 2010, 14:27:28

a couple things 1) this article was for n00bs and didnt do anything more than highlight the inside jokes of elitist douchebag moe fans. moe. fans like their cliques, and we have to hear about this chick’s? fuck that 2) why not discuss WHY they moved? no one does this. 3) It’s Turkwookistan not Wookbekistan! this is quite possible the biggest fail of all time on this website. 4) circus tent = we are all dry as fuck under there. your advise to walk away is stupid. seriously, have you been to what, 2 moe.downs? kinda sad jambands can do much better than this shit.

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