Why Am I Doing This?

It is a well known fact to Mr. Budnick and a few other people around the Jambands universe that I am not good with deadlines. Yeah I have pretty good excuses every now and again, but usually the reason I send my column in a day or two late is because I am genuinely busy. Well this month I had it all planned out. I finished my column early and was ready to send it in on the correct due date. There it was a nice little piece about Kraftwerk, all written and ready to go. That is, until I read my email on the morning of February 10th and found an email about my column from a reader.

Now you must understand something; ever since I have started writing this column a year ago, I have received a total of three emails about subjects I have written about. My general belief is that either no one is reading my columns, or no one really cares about what they read in my columns. Nonetheless, whenever I receive email, I get excited and take it very seriously. I learned a long time ago that much of the music I listen to is unknown to the general public and that discussing it with people would require a little effort on my part. I subscribe to several list-servs that cater to Krautrock and psychedelic music and have had many great conversations over email with other like minded people. Every now and again I plug my column and sometimes I get a response from people, but like I entioned before, it has not happened that often.

Well I received a rather nice email from a young man who shall remain nameless (who he is is really not important). The email was pretty standard- he liked my tastes on music, liked my reviews and suggestions, and thought that I wrote pretty well- nothing too out of the ordinary. However it was the last two paragraphs of the email that really got me thinking and it is those two that I feel compelled to share with you all. After reading the email, I felt the need to think about what my response would be before answering, so I guess that is my excuse this month for my column being a day late. I really wanted to think about what I wanted to write in response.

So without further ado, let me share with you the text of the last two paragraphs of my email:

"As I mentioned before, I really enjoy reading your column, although I must admit that the rest of the magazine does little to nothing for me. I never really liked bands like the Grateful Dead or Phish. I think the music is boring and monotonous and has little musical value. But, this is just my opinion. What I really want to know is why are you writing for a magazine that is geared towards, for lack of a better word, hippie music?

Most of the people that read Jambands seem to be 16-25 year olds who have never even heard of any of the bands that you and I listen to, let alone understand the type of music that it is. Don't you feel that what you are writing is lost, if not wasted in this forum? I hope you don't take offense to my questions, I really like your work and would hate to see it be under-appreciated. There are not many people out there who actively write about good music. Please keep up the great work......"

I have to admit, these last two paragraphs struck a nerve with me. In answer to this question: I have absolutely no idea why I am doing what I am doing here.

Okay that is not true...I really really like writing about music. I enjoy sharing my tastes and enjoy making musical suggestions to other people. Quite frankly, I was somewhat flattered when Dean even asked me to contribute to this venture. But I guess that answer is a bit too simple and requires some further thought. Lucky for all of you, I did give this some serious further thought.

To be honest, I think sometimes I have a love/hate relationship with this column. There have been months where I pull my hair out and complain to whoever will listen that I don't know why I am writing for this type of magazine, my musical tastes are very different, I stick out like a sore thumb, and goddammit nobody is reading my column!!!! Yeah, I have had those months. On the other hand, I have also had many months where I have loved what I have written, thougt my piece was absolutely fucking brilliant and could care less if anyone reads it, because I know it is good. There are many months like this.

Do I think what I write about gets lost and wasted in this forum? No, I don't and I certainly hope it doesn't. Actually I know for a fact that it doesn't because I have spun tapes for some people who have been interested in some of the many bands I have discussed (Hello Chris Dintman!!!).

Do I wish that I got more feedback from the reading audience? Of course I do. I would prefer getting 20 emails that say "your column sucks" than get nothing at all. I think that is true of everybody that writes here. I just owe up to the fact that everybody has different tastes in music. We offer so many interesting articles each month that it doesn't surprise me that I don't get a ton of email. Plus I don't really go out of my way to insult or instigate arguments that would guarantee response. But hey, if that is what I need to do, maybe I will try it some day.

Why do I write for a magazine that I don't completely mesh with and why don't I mesh well? The first part is simple: I write for Jambands because I was invited to and I truly enjoy it. How could I say no to a forum that would allow me to freely express my ideas and share them with thousands of people. Trust me, I am not that stupid.

The second part is a little more complicated. I don't think that I don't mesh well with the Jambands community, I think I just don't share the all of the same musical tastes as many of the people involved around here. I only recently started listening to the Grateful Dead and the reason for that is simple, no one I ever knew, until I started dating my boyfriend, ever listened to the Dead. My father never listened to them, my friends never did either. So I guess you could call it laziness on my part, but I never really had the impetus to start listening to them. Phish was about as hippie-rock as I got and I did a lot of shows and toured quite a bit. But, as we all know, things change over time.

I think the main obstacle with me and the "Jambands scene" these days is the fact that I am really removed from the scene and have been for quite a bit now. There are several reasons for this:

1. I have had some serious health problems over the last three years that have limited my touring capacity and my energy. I am fine now, but there are other things.

2. I work and go to graduate school full time. Yikes!!!! For those of you who don't know, I work at UPenn and go to grad school at Drexel. I leave my apartment every morning at 7:30 and don't get home until 9:30 each night. When I do get home, I am exhausted. Even if I really wanted to go to the TLA or the Troc I am way too tired. I go to bed at 11:00, it has happened I am my parents!!!!

3. I am on a tight tight budget. I am only a lowly graduate student. Yes I have a great job, but I have rent, tuition, food, utilities and all sorts of other great things to pay for. The real world is wonderful!!!

4. This may be the most significant factor: I have grown up and my sense of responsibility has changed quite a bit. It was very easy in undergrad to pack my bags and ditch school for a week to go on tour or to run into the city and see tons of shows, but now it is not so easy. Even the simplest trips, like going home to NY to see my parents, requires calendar consultations and some elaborate planning. My job is school and work right now, and I don't want to fuck it up. It sounds selfish and sad, but I think everyone gets to a point like this, well almost everyone. Yes, the only two Phish shows I went to this year were the two Philly ones. I saw a lot of old friends who thought I fell off the face of the earth there. People I have not seen in a long time. When asked what I have been doing in the last year, my only response was graduated from college, had surgery, got accepted into grad school, moved to Philadelphia, got a new job, and started grad school...not much.

When I asked them the same, the response was Phish tour. I wish I could say that. I wish I knew the secret to how to do that, but I have to admit, at the same time, I think that is a bit sad. Especially when these are people much older than me, who have not really done anything with themselves other than toured. There is more out there in the world.

Having said all that, I love Phish, I love going to shows, I love seeing friends, I love writing this column. I don't feel out of place. I feel like this is a good place for me. I really don't believe I am wasting my time. If I am, I trust someone will let me know. So allow me to apologize for using this space to clarify a few issues. I promise that the Kraftwerk article will be here next month.

In closing, all I can say is: Send Me Email!!!!!

--TTFN--