CULTUREJAMMING is Chris Zahn's new monthly consumer guide for those media-gluttons with attention-deficit disorder. He invites you to send in any suggestions for cool toys, websites, hi-fi equipment, music, art, books, films, advertising and any personal credit card numbers. His ultimate goal is to con you guys into writing his column every month. ;-)

CULTUREJAMMING:

"All media work us over completely. They are so pervasive in their personal, political, economic, aesthetic, psychological, moral, ethical and social consequences that they leave no part of us untouched, unaffected, unaltered. The medium is the massage. Any understanding of social and cultural change is impossible without a knowledge of the way media work as environments."

excerpt from "The Medium Is The Massage" by Marshall McLuhan

I knew it was time to throw in the towel to technology when i first heard about "Logo Ice". Say what? That's right, Ya heard me--Logo Ice! Yes, there's actually a company whose solo function is branding corporate logos inside ice cubes. They'll probably reach your favorite bar by the weekend. So by the time it all sinks into your skull(on that fifth Stoli orange i bet) and you get all paranoid about how widespread and out of control advertising has become --just think, logo ice will be kind of "quaint". Madison Ave. will have moved on to the animal kingdom (that's right, corporate logos branded into the sides of cows).

Well dammit, What i wanna know is--How much longer before us humans can get in on this action? If i'm gonna get a tattoo, shit, i might as well get paid for it. See, I don't worry about Big Brother. I know this garbage about microchips implanted into our brains is a bunch of bunk. It's not necessary. We've become such slaves to the technology that all they they need to do is bug our toys. They know what TV shows we're watching, what music we're listening to, what crap we're downloading, what we're cooking, etc etc.. And doncha think if the Japanese really wanted to take over America then all they'd have to do is implant bombs in our audio equipment? So watch out for the next time you turn on that "boom box".

Some people think its a morally degenerate fact that more American houses have televisions than indoor plumbing. Well get a load of this: Bad plumbing killed the Roman empire! So there. Now let's stop whining and just give ourselves up to all this groovy technology. Someone allegedly famous in one of those overpriced quotation books once said: "Technology organizes the world so we don't have to experience it." Bullpoop! I think technology lets us experience the world so we DON'T have to organize it--We can consume it and move on to the next course. Now here's this months samplings..........

The applications to extend the concept of sound inside your head are practically limitless. Tiger Electronics are proving this with their Sound Bites Pop Radio lollypop which allows users to hear FM radio through their teeth when they bite on the sucker. When a person bites on the lollipop that has been inserted into a Sound Bites holder, safe sound vibrations travel through the teeth to the inner ear, where they are heard just like normal sounds. Audible primarily to the ear, the effect is the magic of hearing sounds inside your head. The interactive toy candy product line also features a myriad of other innovative soundsuckers such as Space Wars, Wacky Tunes, Rugrats, Bugs Bunny, and Girl Talk. My favorite pop is Rockin' Guitar-Press one of the four buttons and a crunchy-Spinal Tap guitar riff goes looping through your noggin. You can press one. two, three or jam out and press all 4 for an effect not unlike suckin on a Walkman headphone. For more info: http://www.game.com/tigertoys/presound.html.

Some lonely guy has compiled over 1700 of the most commonly misheard song lyrics on http://www.kissthisguy.com. Its domain name originates from Jimi Hendrix's oft-misheard "Scuse me while I kiss the sky" line from Purple Haze. The site was inspired by a mom, who as a young girl, thought that the old church hymnal "A little walk with Jesus" was called "A little chocolate Jesus." In fact, she never realized her error until she was almost 45 years old. They called these golden gaffes Mondegreens and my favorite one was misheard by one Noah King who thought "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" was "Lucy's getting high with Linus". The site lets you submit your own bungled blunders.

Miss yesterday's Dilbert strip? Jonesin' for some Family Circus? Need a quick Gasoline Alley fix? If so, check out http://www.astronerdboy.com. Comic strips are what this site is all about. What you will find here are links to most of the syndicated comic strips as well as links to web-based comic strips, cartoonist interviews and just plain old comic strip stuff! If your local newspaper is not printing one of your favorite strips, chances are it's here. From Andy Capp to Zits. And my new favorite-Robot Man. Ya gotta check this one out.

Looking for a 5 inch rubber Mexican wrestling doll? http://www.LuchaSwag.com has 40 varieties which twist at the neck, shoulders and waist. Cool! These suckers are $10 a pop(Buy 5 get one free) and have neat names like Ice Killer and Misterioso. These masked Mexicali's are real live Lucha Libre stars and will surely scare the huevos rancheros off them losers shelling out for that tired old WCW crap. Turn them on to these gems.

Rome wasn't built in a day but a Roger Dean "Home for Life" Tectonic house surely looks like it. The artist formerly known for drawing Yes album covers runs Curved Space-an architectural design company promoting environmentally-sustainable" pod-homes resembling the orgasmatronic living rooms from Woody Allen's Sleeper. In order to make these future-domes cheap moulds have to be in existence. These moulds cost about a million pounds to produce. But, once made, they can be used to fabricate thousands of buildings. Looks great for a hobbit or a droid but homosapiens ain't ready for this kind of Feng Shui just yet. It's all here at: http://www.homeusers.prestel.co.uk/jewelion/tec.htm.

Mati Klarwein's art will always be connected with the mind-expanding musical explorations of the late sixties and early seventies. Perhaps the record covers of Santana's "Abraxas" and Miles Davis' "Bitches Brew" are even more widely recognized than their musical content. His "sacreligious" paintings caused so much of a stir that in 1964 he was attacked by a man with a huge ax. Carlos Santana spent hours tripping out in profound meditation over the painting Annonciation, later to become the record cover of his million selling album Abraxas. Miles Davis used two of his paintings for Bitches Brew and Live-Evil; and Hendrix , with whom he spent many days with dropping acid, was set to use one of his paintings in an album he never completed. Most of his famous paintings are scattered around the world, and Mati doesn't know, or care for that matter, where they are. http://www.art-bin.com/art/aklarwein.html.

There's plain ol' kids and then there's Kool-Aid Kids. KAK's are much kooler than ordinary kids. For one, they have flashier tongues. Plus, they get to dance around with that overweight red jug with the skinny legs. When i was a kid i could count the flavors of the magical sugar dust on both hands. Today, i need my feet to keep up with the count. There's a whopping TWENTY FLAVORS. And you can check them all out on the wild and wacky Kool-Aid Flavor Wheel ( http://www.kraftfoods.com/kool-aid/html/flavorama/ka_flavors.html ). Just click one of the fantastic flavors on the moving color wheel like Mandarina Tangerine, Ice-Blue Raspberry Lemonade or the ever-classic Cherry and a bevy of useless facts appear before your beady little eyes. Did you know that Tropical Punch--introduced in 1969-- is the all-time most popular flavor of Kool-Aid? Did you care? Of course you do. This is the official soft drink of Nebraska we're talking about. And be sure to check out the page on the evolution of the Kool-Aid Man. The Kraft Company reveals how after twenty years he still remains "ultra-cool in the eyes of young children" with his "hip-new look" This is direct from the companies website: "... KOOL-AID« Man received a significant makeover in 1994 that made him look slightly more mature. His pitcher head became a little more slender, making him a little taller and more proportionally shaped. His arms and legs became sturdier and more defined, giving him a more human look and allowing him to be more agile." I don't make this stuff up.

Making the rounds in the bootleg CD circles are Limited Edition Trance Remix CDs of Pink Floyd's Animals, Wish You Were Here and Obscured By Clouds. As you can guess, being a bootleg, there's no other info listed in the booklet other than tracks and times. These discs tend to disappear quickly so be on the lookout. I got myself a copy of each at Bleecker St. Records in NYC. Also picked up a copy of a Junior Vasquez's remix of Led Zeppelin's "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You". This store has a great selection of bootleg rarities so check it out.

When Chris Zahn is not consumed by Disco Biscuit managerial duties and he's far, far away from his computer, he likes to immerse himself in the disciplined study of Yakasusha--- The ancient Japanese art of painting nude portraits of geisha girls on small pieces of sushi with a chopstick.