A Note of Thanks

I'd like to offer a special note of thanks to a truly special person. I encountered a gentle soul at a recent concert, and this person's generous actions made the evening a magical, memorable experience for me.

Thank you for offering your drink to me. It was quite generous. However, I am very picky because I prefer my drink in my mouth rather than on my shoe. I know you meant well, but your later attempts to give me drinks via my right arm, chest, and lower left leg were not enjoyed either. It's really my fault. When I saw you barreling in my direction with your head down, I should have specified exactly where I would like my drink. Nonetheless, I appreciate your very giving nature; you offered at least half of what you were drinking all night long!

Thank you for teaching me through metaphor. As you and your friends constantly walked by me and knocked me backwards while treating me like a "human door," I learned that the entire world flows through me. Until I had this revelation, I was wandering through life as an ignorant soul who believed that the world should show me common courtesy and respect. Thank you for setting me straight.

Thank you for saving me lots of money. I have a very modest income, and in today's tax-heavy economy, I consider a pack of cigarettes to be a luxury. However, I never needed to shell out a wad of cash for a pack because you so kindly shared your cigarette smoke with me all night long. Most people would object to having secondhand smoke in their face, but I enjoyed it because your lungs filtered-out all of the impurities, leaving me to inhale the pure cancer-causing agents. Also, I must thank you for repeatedly burning my right arm with your cigarette butt. I was considering expensive laser surgery to cover up that tattoo, but these new cigarette burns offer an inexpensive and artistic solution.

Thank you for keeping me up-to-date with everything that is going on in the world. Instead of being forced to listen to the boring music that I paid money to hear, your gripping social commentary kept my mind occupied all night long. I had no idea that McDonald's will only give you one toy with a Happy Meal. Your sister should definitely dump that guy. If I were you, I'd get that strange growth examined. Parking tickets are indeed a conspiracy against the upper-middle class. And no, I don't think you should head out to the Hamptons this weekend; it's a little cold.

Thank you for accompanying the band with your inventive singing. I never really knew some of those lyrics, but since you shouted them repeatedly in my left ear, I'll never be able to forget them. Also, your creative way of spontaneously inventing alternative lyrics over the course of the evening was indicative of the true spirit of jambands, and your improvised word smithy added to the performance. Lest I forget, your innovative harmonies took the vocals to a new level. You should really consider getting a band together because I think dissonance and monotonic scales are making a comeback.

Thank you for being so friendly and invading my space at all times. I'll have to admit that it was somewhat shocking to feel you repeatedly grinding your body against mine. Perhaps you thought I had a cramp in my gluteus maximus, which would explain your constantly rubbing up against it. I can assure you that this is not so, but I thank you for your efforts. Also, as a special bonus, your sweat kept me cool all night, and it left me smelling sweet for the cab ride home.

No words can truly express my gratitude for your presence at that concert. The mere sight of you brightened my evening. As a man with good taste, I will admit that you looked quite radiant in your silver sequined top and tight leather pants. Unfortunately, if you were attempting to make a pass at me, I must inform you that you're not my type-you're a guy. Nevertheless, if I ever decide to cross into the final frontier, you'll be the first one that I call.

Thanks again,
Brian