I felt compelled to write a note to jambands.com after reading an article by one of your columnists talking about how frustrating it is to get no responses to articles. I don't have any particular criticisms or compliments, other than to express gratitude for putting in efforts and providing a medium for communication of and about today's live music scene. I thought maybe I would share my story in the hopes some positive energy and insights are received by someone on the other end of this email. This may be really boring "braindump" to read, but I figure I would not be the first one to "dump" garbage on the internet. Just like Phil Lesh would have it, whatever comes out is OK.

I am 32 years old, live in a Chicago suburb, and work for a large corporation during the week. I used to be really into the Grateful Dead scene in the late 80's while I was in college. After college, I moved to Minneapolis and tried to get focused on a career, family life, and (what I thought was) growing up. I went to very few concerts in the early 90's and fell out of the music scene.

While I was gone, many transformations had taken place. Grunge and alternative music became mainstream and the Dead became so popular you heard Jay Leno and David Letterman refer to them in cultural innuendo that they expected the audience to "understand what being at a Dead concert is like". How ironic that one of America's greatest underground bands became so visible. Maybe so many people had been to Dead shows and talked to their friends about it, that everyone knew about it.

One of the things I discovered was the focus on the negative aspects of it. I became very secretive about my past involving being "a deadhead". I don't know if I was really a Deadhead, or what the qualifications were, but other people referred to me as such so I accepted the title. I guess traversing long distances just to hear a band may define any type of "head". I was a devoted listener, but hit only 15-20 shows and never really went on tour. I always worked in the summers and didn't feel I could miss more than a class or two in college to hit a show.

When Jerry died in 1995, I happened to be jogging outside under a clear moonlight sky sometime after midnight central time. I remember feeling a strange energy level in the air that Minnesota evening. I didn't normally jog this late, but I felt the need to stay up and do this this particular night. The next day at work a co-worker informed me of Jerry's death and I was stunned. I thought that day that I would never again feel "the vibe" I did in the late 80's. I had not been to a show in the 90's, but heard many comments about how the band had declined in ability, while at the same time exploded in popularity. How ironic. I remember hearing about the riots and problems on the 95 summer tour and it struck me that the whole Grateful Dead scene had collapsed under it's own "dead" weight. Lots of conversation revolved around the "younger audience" that was more violent and more there for the party than the music scene. Maybe so and maybe not.

What did strike me about the comments was the similarity of the older heads criticizing the "touch of grey" fans that had recently come aboard just "for the party". Actually, I came on board in 86, after a high school friend introduced me to the band's music. I laughed at the fact that I had never really heard anything from them because the only medium I knew was the radio, which rarely played any Dead. I think I only heard Casey Jones and Truckin on the classic rock radio station I listened to while growing up. Once I began to put energy into it I realized how much more intricate and textured the Dead were than other bands. I went to my first show and they blew me away. I had to have more. I went every time they came around and even began to take short road trips to see them. An unexpected treat was the crowd itself. It was like going to an island of FREEDOM in the middle of Reagan America. Open drug use, people dancing without being self-conscious, nakedness, strange language buzzwords, almost cultlike. But very peaceful, well-intentioned people for the most part. You definitely saw the presence of danger, whether in scary Harley biker guys, or freaked out addicts who stared at you. To avoid being singled out as not belonging, we began to look like them just to "fit into" the scene we like so much. Unfortunately or not, we were relatively clean cut, free thinking guys who liked to party and hang out and listen to music and have fun.

In the last few years I moved back to Chicago, changed jobs, divorced, became a part-time dad to my (now 6 yr old) son, remarried, and advanced in my company. I also got back into the music scene. One thing I learned from my failed marriage; You must be in pursuit of happiness to be happy. I had stopped chasing life and had let it chase me. The clues had been there for years; I met my birth-mother (I was adopted) shortly after getting married in 1991 and the doors that were flung open caused chaos in the artificially structured world I had created. Reality was pounding at my doorstep, I let it in briefly, then closed the door in fear it was destroying my marriage. My son was born, I went on "sleep deprivation" cruise control for several years and re-awoke to find myself hating what I had become; someone who was no longer pursuing any dreams, but trying to "be" what I thought I "was supposed" to be. I had stopped living to just "be". ( to be or not to be, that is the question) Sad contentment.

When I went to further festival in 1997 I was hoping to recapture the Dead magic. Close but no cigar. Unsatisfied, I sought out other bands to fill the need. I discovered Phish and a few others but did not go to a show right away. I didn't catch on to Phish as quickly as the Dead. 1998 further fest was better, more like the Dead, but still not quite IT! A nice couple we met at the show told us to "go see Widespread Panic, the hottest band out there". I picked up their live CD and was blown away.

1999 was a very good year for me. I got promoted. I bought my first computer. I saw my first Dave Matthews Band show. I got remarried to someone I really love and can REALLY BE MYSELF with. I realized how happy it made me, just like the feeling of JUST BEING YOURSELF when you are an experienced concert goer. I went to Europe for my first time on my honeymoon in Sept. I caught my first Widespread Panic show at Butler University in Indianapolis and took a vegetable TRIP back to a state of mind I had abandoned nearly a decade ago. I saw a quote that described it well: "soul-shattering". I was not expecting anything and they blew me away. A week or so later I caught Phish for the first time at Alpine Valley, home to many a memory for me of Dead shows. I was expecting too much and they didn't blow me away. I realized I was "expecting" some cosmic revelation or religious experience that didn't happen. I was disappointed. The few things I remember were the marshmallow wars, the tweezer jam, and waste. When Trey was singing Waste, I thought he was talking directly to me about why he didn't want to end up like Jerry.

I managed to catch another 3 shows on the fall tour. In Minneapolis I lucked out and got up front. Trey and company blew me away up close, I was ON BOARD! Chicago was not the show for me, but Redbird was killer in my book. I caught two more Widespread Panic shows, one so intense my wife and I had to leave before our heads exploded at UIC Pavilion in Chicago. Saw String Cheese weave magic for the first time at Thanksgiving in Chicago, and made the trek to Florida for Phish New Years. I hadn't been feeling well but I was going if it killed me. It nearly did, I caught severe flu which developed into pneumonia. I still had a very fun, memorable experience. Ironically, the last time that I got that sick was when I went to NYE Dead shows in 88/89.

I am now hopelessly enchanted by chasing information down on the internet about new bands, tour dates, reviews and other info. I am weaving plans to hit as many shows as I can financially and physically manage without losing my job or driving my wife crazy. I used to just check the Grateful Dead website at work, somehow I stumbled onto Jambands.com. Through links in the internet I have learned of many other bands I am very interested in seeing and staying in touch with. I think the internet is largely responsible for the explosion of JAM bands in the late 90's. How else do you find out about underground bands that don't get played on the radio? I abandoned listening to much radio after I realized the Dead were never played. Without the internet, I would not be able to keep up with setlists like I was never able to as a Deadhead. I know so much about something I have never been to in these new bands. I can sample music, buy hard-to-find discs over the internet so effortlessly, find out tour dates, email far away friends to organize road trips, read up on what's happening without being there. I can still operate in my corporate job and enjoy what I consider to be the BEST part of American culture.

It's funny, now that I am "the old guy" at concerts, I care less about what I look like and if I am accepted. I realized I am much happier trying to be myself, than what I "think" other people want me to be. I feel a little awkward when I don't know the lyrics to a new song (after knowing every note of the Dead), being a newbie isn't any easier when you are older. But I am having fun and adventure again in my life, I am pursuing happiness. I know when my wife and I decide to have kids this will be difficult to hit as many shows, but I hope to not completely lose contact again.

I don't know when it's NOT OK to still go to these concerts. I see that most people are younger than me by several years now at the shows. I feel pretty accepted and have met many nice people. I had concerns about how much less the younger crowd seemed "peace, love, hippy" and seemed more selfish and aggressive. I also was concerned that Phish and Panic weren't preaching more peace from the stage. I know the Dead played on more Angel/Devil themes, Phish seems both more whimsical and serious than the Dead, I learned to allow them their own track and stopped COMPARING who was better. The answer to all debates of this nature are NEITHER. They are just different. Panic and Phish are different. I think they are all offspring of many of the traditions of the Dead whether they like it or not. They all have some level of improvisation in their shows. They all allow taping and play different sets from night to night. They all have peak moments in shows when the crowd and band feed off each other as the crowd dances. They all have a lot of musical talent, not necessarily good looks, up on the stage. They all tour a lot and have some level of drugs around at the shows. They all are able to realize the Dead's 60's dream of getting a lot of people together without violence. The specifics of the show are not important, but the details of the show are interesting. They all do some covers occasionally and put some songs on the shelf, so the element of surprise is always there, it is never completely predictable.

I hope I can even get some taping equipment and tape the shows I go to so when I stop going to shows, for whatever reason, I can still pursue happiness through the memories of the tapes. It is like a time-warp to your own past when you own a tape of a show you went to. Like a secret emotional tape recorder, the songs evoke smells, sights, sounds, feelings of hope and resurrection, and perhaps most importantly, connections to people who shared in THE MOMENT, for that is where life really exists-Living In the moment.