March 7, 2001

Phans Wait In Line, Miss Entire Tour

NEW YORK (AP) - Shortly after 4:00 A.M. yesterday morning, a new entry was made into the Guinness Book of Records. Devotees of the alternative band, Phish, waited for a record ten days in line at the Roseland Ballroom to see lead guitarist Trey Anastasio play a side-project concert with a backing band. The lengthy near 11-day wait smashed the previous record held by Disneyworld’s Space Mountain roller coaster during the notorious coaster-frenzied week of July 5-12, 1983.

However, there were no celebrations because the slow-moving line caused concertgoers to miss not only Anastasio’s scheduled February 23rd performance but also the remainder of his whole freaking tour.

"Dude, we missed the whole freaking tour," said Phishhead Marcus Neiman, 24. "I mean we missed the whole freaking tour."

The problems began on the night of the 23rd around 4:00 in the afternoon. Knowing that Roseland is notorious for long lines, Phish phans arrived at the venue two hours early to begin discussing scientific treatises such as "proper calculation of acoustic algorithms" and "the sickest Bathtub Gin ever." By the time the doors opened at 6:30 P.M., the patrons with actual jobs showed up, and the line had stretched well around the block. By the time the show was scheduled to begin at 7:30 P.M., the line had stretched back several city blocks. By the time the show began at approximately 8:32 P.M., the line had stretched back so far that a traffic jam was brewing throughout most of Southern New England.

When the concert ended at approximately 10:53 P.M., the line had stretched back so far that the United States-Canada Border Patrol was checking passports. Concertgoers standing in line in a New Brunswick cornfield were thoroughly confused, but they continued to wait patiently for their entrance to Roseland. By 6:30 A.M. on Saturday, Anastasio was nestled snug in a Philadelphia bed while a chain of makeshift igloos was spotted in line along the Hudson Strait.

The backlog of ticket holders was caused by the laboriously slow security search of patrons at Roseland’s entrance. Security guards spent several hours thoroughly searching every nook and cranny of each concertgoer, and the final frisking was not completed until five hours after Anastasio’s tour ended in Atlanta, GA on March 5th. Some of the dangerous items confiscated included paper, pens, water bottles, candy bars, free thought, and one copy of Curious George Goes to The Zoo.

"Man, I haven’t been felt up like that since I was on the high school wrestling team," remarked Phish groupie Matt Keysoupa, 27. "That guard’s hands were all over me, and I think that definitely qualifies as foreplay. If he doesn’t call me tomorrow, I’m gonna be pissed."

"That was completely disgusting," said Phish monger Julie Ussintooifficud, 26. "After waiting for six days, they stripped me of my dignity. I fought like the hell to bring it inside, but the guard just pointed to a sign that said ‘No Firearms, Alcohol, or Dignity.’"

When the New York City portion of the line’s supply of goo balls ran thin on March 1st, the crowd began to show signs of life, and a minor revolt began. Since the people involved were Caucasian, fast thinking Mayor Rudolph Giuliani immediately took time out of his busy schedule of oppressing freedom with an iron fist to address the situation. After holding a self-indulgent two-hour press conference, Giuliani sent the Broadway cast of the musical Miss Saigon to entertain the crowd for free. Unfortunately, the impromptu performance of mediocre show-tunes resulted in a massive amount of vomiting along Eighth Avenue, and city sanitation workers in Mickey Mouse ears were forced to clean up piles of regurgitated grilled cheese and tofu.

Roseland officials were unavailable for comment, but an unofficial, unconfirmed, unreliable source revealed the root of the problem. "The security at Roseland are instructed to make patrons’ lives miserable," said the source, who wished to be known as Chunky Buttocks. "These officials have been taught highly specialized techniques to prevent fun, enjoyment, and actual attendance at a concert. Of course, some patrons eventually break through and get inside, but gradually they asphyxiate, and their bodies are seized and shuffled off to a dump in New Jersey. That’s okay because the venue is usually oversold by 793,000 tickets, and there’s a long line of people eager to replace those who are booted. If anyone complains, security can always tell you to get in line earlier next time. As long as Roseland goes through the entire line, no matter how many days it takes, they are not liable for theoretically stealing the ticket holders’ concert money."

Although the Phish stalkers would have preferred to be inside before the concert ended, they appeared to be partly responsible for the large line. "These kids just kept getting out of line after they were searched and getting back into line to get another frisking," Buttocks continued. "Many of them said this was the best sex of their life. Some of the guys without health insurance really enjoyed the free hernia exams."

Roseland Ballroom is the site of the upcoming Jammys awards, sponsored by some website called jambands.com. While many may fear that another long line will prevent guests from attending the awards show, jambands.com staff writer Brian Ferdman has a plan. "I’m telling my friends to play it conservative and get into line at least 30 days before the show starts. Anyone who attempts to wait less than 20 days is really dancing with the devil."

Some fortunate souls will be able to avoid the mammoth line. "Hey, I’m a lucky S.O.B. because I write for the site," smirked the smug Ferdman. "I’ll be in the VIP line, and I’ll probably get away with only a five to six day wait!"