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Published: 2004/04/01

Warren Haynes Cloning Ring Uncovered

Confirming what pundits have long suspected, Warren Haynes has indeed been cloned. However contrary to rumor, the bonus Haynes are actually of recent vintage. Apparently the guitarist’s donation to a recent Phil Lesh blood drive was appropriated by a mad freaking scientist now identified as Owsley Stanley III. The cloning was discovered earlier this week when a band calling itself Haynes Aplenty performed at the Ashkenaz in Berkeley. This group was comprised of Warren Haynes on guitar, Warren Haynes on bass, Warren Haynes behind the kit, and special guest DJ WarHay. When confronted with the inconvertible evidence of the cloning, Oswley, the manager of the Haynes Aplenty, disputed the tangibility of the multiple musicians, suggesting instead that authorities must be seeing trails.
Thankfully this was the first known apperance of the bonus Haynes, so that the Asheville natives prior Herculean feats will not require an asterisk. As for the future of the clones, they will now devote themselves to pro bono stunt guitar work, occasional carpentry and are on loan for permanent exhibition at the Jammys Hall of Fame.

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