Mikey
by Dean Budnick
Check in next month for the continuing adventures of Mikey!
Lemondialogue by Chris Brose
SOME GUY: So wait, how much were the tickets?
PHISHHEAD: Seventy-five bucks.
SOME GUY: Plus tax?
PHISHHEAD: All right, eighty.
SOME GUY: And service charge?
PHISHHEAD: All right, eighty-five.
SOME GUY: And how long was the drive up there?
PHISHHEAD: About fourteen hours.
SOME GUY: So you drove to the tippy-top of Maine, fourteen hours straight to
see a concert.
PHISHHEAD: Well, it was Phish, man.
SOME GUY: So. Didn’t you already see Phish once this summer?
PHISHHEAD: No.
SOME GUY: Oh.
PHISHHEAD: I saw them four times.
SOME GUY: Wait, you paid eighty-five bucks and drove fourteen hours to see a
group that you saw four times already this summer.
PHISHHEAD: Yeah, but it’s Phish, man. It’s a totally different show each
time.
SOME GUY: Did they play different songs each show?
PHISHHEAD: No, they played a lot of repeats between the four shows.
SOME GUY: So, you drove all the way up to Maine and spent all this money to
hear songs that you already heard four times this summer?
PHISHHEAD: Yeah, but it’s Phish, man. They totally jam. It’s always
different.
SOME GUY: Yeah, okay, sure. Well was it a fun time?
PHISHHEAD: Oh my God! It was the best!
SOME GUY: Where’d you sleep?, what’d you eat?
PHISHHEAD: We slept outside in tents . . .
SOME GUY: Wasn’t it freezing?
PHISHHEAD: Yeah, it was REALLY cold at night. But anyway, we slept in tents
and ate grilled cheese and . . .
SOME GUY: You slept outside in the freezing cold and ate grilled cheese for
two days. . .
PHISHHEAD: Three and a half days.
SOME GUY: . . . for three and a half days, just to see a group that you’d
already seen four times already. You’re a frigging retard.
PHISHHEAD: No man, you don’t understand. It’s Phish. Every Phish song gets
jammed out differently and no two jams sound the same. And when they get
jamming sometimes, it’s so beautiful and energy-filled that nothing else even
matters. Some folks play music, but Phish, no Phish is special.
SOME GUY: Why? Shit, I play a guitar and sing a pretty phat Layla, why isn’t
that special? It’s music too, why is Phish so much better that me?
PHISHHEAD: Well, I mean, they just jam, dude. They’re so tight and they just
jam . . . I don’t know, just trust me, they’re good enough to get eighty
thousand people to come to one show if that says anything.
SOME GUY: Who cares, did it ever occur to you that people just love to go
wild and party, and a Phish concert is just a good excuse to do so. Music’s
music, you’re taking it a little too seriously I think.
PHISHHEAD: But it’s Phish music, it is serious, you just don’t understand.
SOME GUY: All right, whatever. Well what was the best part about the show?
PHISHHEAD: Oh man, check this out: on the second day, Phish’s drummer . . .
SOME GUY: The fat guy who wears the dress?
PHISHHEAD: Yeah. Anyway, Phish’s drummer brings his vacuum out to the front
of the stage . . .
SOME GUY: His vacuum?
PHISHHEAD: He plays the vuccum.
SOME GUY: Oh is that so.
PHISHHEAD: And he brings the vacuum out and the guitarist starts drumming . .
.
SOME GUY: The guitarist was drumming?
PHISHHEAD: Yeah.
SOME GUY: Was he any good?
PHISHHEAD: Yeah, he wasn’t half bad. So while the guitarist was drumming,
the drummer sang that old song, Sexual Healing, and then played a vacuum solo.
Man is that not the coolest thing you’ve ever heard?
SOME GUY: Hold on, you’re telling me that you paid eighty-five bucks and
drove for fourteen straight hours to the tip of Maine, ate grilled cheese and
slept in the bitter cold for three days to see a band play that you’d already
seen four times in the past month, and the high point of the show was when the
guitarist laid down a shitty drum beat so that a fat moron in a dress could
sing a shitty rendition of Sexual Healing before playing a vacuum. This was
the high-point of your weekend?
PHISHHEAD: Without a doubt.
SOME GUY: You’re the biggest fucking idiot I’ve ever met.
PHISHHEAD: What are you talking about?
SOME GUY: You stupid bastard, if this was the high-point of the show, I’d
hate to hear what the rest of it was like.
PHISHHEAD: Well the first day, they busted right into Mike’s . .
SOME GUY: Shut up, I don’t even want to know. You’re an idiot and I can’t
believe what I just heard. What a waste of time and money!
PHISHHEAD: Are you kidding, it was the best time of my life!
SOME GUY: You mean that idiot playing a vacuum was the high-point of your
life.
PHISHHEAD: Well, not really, but it was definitely up there.
SOME GUY: What a waste! You’re an idiot!
PHISHHEAD: Man, you’re the idiot! If you don’t think that sounds like a
blast, you’re a fool.
SOME GUY: Call me crazy, but I could play the vacuum and probably sing a
better version of Sexual Healing myself. Why was this so special? You’re a
moron for even going.
PHISHHEAD: Because it was Phish, that’s why! And you’re the moron if you
wouldn’t enjoy that! It was the best!
SOME GUY: I don’t understand you! You paid out the ass to drive forever to
see an idiot play the fucking vacuum. You’re a weirdo!
PHISHHEAD: You’re the weirdo! There’s nothing weird about this at all. I
only hope that next year can be just as cool.
Chris Brose is a freshman at Kenyon College. He is currently searching for
the meaning of meaning.
