Phish Phans Decry "Bunk-Ass" Movie By Brian Ferdman

NEW YORK CITY, NY - What looked to be a placid gathering of young music enthusiasts turned ugly on Friday, August 25th as hordes of neo-hippies began to heap vocal criticism on the popular Vermont quartet known as Phish.

"Dude. I can't believe this crap," remarked 22 year-old beleaguered Phish fan, Aaron Rothstein. "The same setlist all night? What the hell is that about?"

"The setlist totally blew, man," said Skippy Kleinschulter, 17. "Until tonight, they've never played the same show twice. Now they play five identical shows in a row? What a crock. Screw fall tour. I'm going back to high school."

The event began peacefully as the recreation-starved fans of Phish, or "Phishheads," as they are referred to by snide and clueless industry periodicals, began gathering at Cinema Village in downtown New York in the early afternoon. Phish has assumed the mantle of the Grateful Dead by playing long, masturbatory improvisational jams to a steadfastly devoted following of fans who have been searching to fill the void that was created after Grateful Dead guitarist Jerry Garcia's death effectively ended the Grateful Dead's 30-year run of touring. Their music sounds identical to that of the Grateful Dead, except that it is completely different. Phish have been emulating their idols, the Grateful Dead, for the past five years of Grateful Dead-like touring, and their Grateful Dead-style music has a Grateful Dead-like effect of their legions of Grateful Dead-inspired fans. Grateful Dead, Grateful Dead, Grateful Dead.

"When I heard that they weren't gonna play any more shows after October, I saw that this was my only chance to catch them in New York," Kleinschulter explained. "So I came down here early to get tickets to all five shows, and I was so excited man. They've like never played five shows in one day, so this was gonna be killer. I mean it was like their only gigs in New York for the year. It had to be good."

"Yeah man, but the whole day was so beat," quipped Lisa Needashower, 19. "The same songs over and over? The same jokes? I can't believe how lame they were. Just one bunk-ass show after another. This was the suckiest day in Phishhistory. Who's got my phatty Sammy Smith?"

As phans inside phound themselves phlabbergasted with dismay while watching Todd Phillips' new Phish documentary philm, Bittersweet Motel, the scene outside was a phresh and phestive atmosphere phull of phun and philling phood phor the Phishheads. Culinary delights included the classic Veggie Burrito, Grilled Cheese, and Goo-Balls, a mixture of peanut butter chocolate and a "special" ingredient that is guaranteed to make you want to quit your job, buy a Volkswagen bus, and become addicted to patchouli.

Of course, all of this unofficial entrepreneurship did not sit well with New York's conniving street vendors. "I'm here trying to sell my charred lamb carcasses, and none of these kids will buy anything," said an emphatic Theolidiklas Klopsiokalidas, a beleaguered illegal immigrant street vendor. "These kids are crazy! They don't want cheese that comes from an animal. No, they have to have soy cheese. And I can't even sell my bottled tap-water for three dollars a piece! I had to drop my price to a dollar just so I could compete with these punks. How am I supposed to feed my family, send my kids off to college, and pay for my summer home in the Hamptons? This is ridiculous."

Things seemed innocent enough outside, but after reading the pandering, pathetic ass-kissing August 4th issue of Entertainment Weekly, one realizes that Phishheads are actually peddling illegal narcotics to a generation of young Americans who invoke the name of blasphemous historical figures, such as George Washington, while trumpeting the un-American idea that people are responsible enough to make their own decisions on what they ingest into their body. The Phishheads have their own language to disguise these illegal transactions of deadly drugs. For instance, the word "nuggets" refers to marijuana, "doses" refers to LSD, and "ecstasy" refers to ecstasy. Thankfully, the New York City Police Department took time out of its busy day of racial profiling to come down to Cinema Village and arrest a few harmless criminals.

"Frankly, I love it when these morons roll into town," remarked Sgt. Mike Bustahippie. "It's easy target practice for us. What do you think? Does that kid have a wallet or a gun in his hand? Ah, it's too close to call, let's just shoot him and worry about it later." Bustahippie continued, "I just wish there were more darkies here because I get tired of killing and beating up all of those white people. It's just not any fun when they're white."

The police continued their minor raid until a Dunkin' Donuts was robbed on 18th St., prompting all officers to leave Cinema Village and rush to the scene of the crime.

Meanwhile, the final showing of Bittersweet Motel had ended, but the crowd was still caustic.

"Dude, that was (expletive). I mean (expletive). What the (expletive)? Man, (expletive) dude. Aw, (expletive) (expletive) (expletive) dude. Man! (Expletive)! (Expletive)! (Expletive)! Ya, know man?" opined 12 year-old Star Flowerchild. "Man, it's just...dude! You (expletive) (expletive) (unintelligible) (expletive) (expletive) man, I'll (expletive) on your momma, dude. (Expletive) (expletive) (unintelligible) (expletive) (unintelligible) (expletive), man."

At least one phan realized that Cinema Village was showing a Phish movie and not a Phish concert, but he, too, was upset. "Why the hell did they film the Japan tour? I couldn't understand a single word of the movie, and I had to read those damn subtitles," remarked Robert Bichanmoan, 26. "And I didn't see a single American in it either-everyone was Japanese. As a matter of fact, I couldn't even find Phish in that movie. Why do you make an American movie about an American band but not show the band or its American fans? I guess what they said on the Internet is true; Phish has gone Communist."

Upon further investigation, it was revealed that Bichanmoan accidentally entered Theatre Two, where he mistakenly sat through the late Japanese director Akira Kurosawa's final film, Madadayo.

When asked why so many phans would sit through five straight screenings of Bittersweet Motel without realizing that it wouldn't change, Laura Gottatwirl, 21, offered this response, "Obviously you know nothing about Phish. They're always trying to fool you, so you have to keep coming back to see what they'll do next. That's why I saw all five shows tonight, and that's why I'm gonna see all five shows tomorrow. I can deal with the same setlist over and over again because one of these days when you least expect it, they're gonna change it up and pull out the first Gamehenge (Phish's fabled rock opera) in years."

However, Gottatwirl was in the minority, as few Phishheads shared her optimistic sentiment.

"I'm done with Phish. This was the last straw," opined obsessive taper, Alex Dataddict, 35. "I brought all of my taping gear here, and they wouldn't let me take it in. Phish has always allowed taping, so this is just wrong. And after seeing them play the same setlist five times in a row, it's pretty clear that they've sold out. I'm done with this band. Tonight was my last show; I will never go see them again. By the way, you don't happen to have any extras for the Albany show, do you?"