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The Loop

Top Five People You Don’t Want To Sit Next To At A Concert

1. The Coke Snorting Talker- These are the people that will continue to tap you throughout the whole concert insistent that you are interested in the fact that they met Mike Gordon once while he was driving a golf cart through the Bonnaroo campsite. They will tell you this story over and over and have norecollection that they’re repeating the same story.

Warning: If you try and tell them you can’t hear them over the music they will talk louder so you might as well let them talk at a volume that the music can be heard over.

2. The Shirtless Spinning Male -In hindsight this person means no harm as he’s just into the music and wants to dance. More power to him. I’m so self-conscious and insecure that if I start to dance I’m convinced the whole crowd will stop watching the band and start to watch me. I shouldn’t even use the word dance since all I do is throw an occasional fist pump in the air, and then glance around hoping that no one caught me. The bummer of the spinner is that he’s bound to get sweaty and he’s bound to rub up on you by accident on multiple occasions. He’s just trying to have a good time so try and shake it off, but it’s a Germaphobes worst nightmare as it’s very Along came Polly basketball scene esque.

3. The OD Victim -If you’ve attended enough concerts you’re going to be plagued with sitting next to the high-school sophomore who snuck out during the week with his or her friends to a concert and consume copious amounts of drugs and collapse in their chair. His or her friends are usually just as bamboozled and will insist that he or she is fine despite the fact that their friend is slumped in their chair, unconscious, and drooling with their eyes rolled in the back of their head.

This will ruin your concert experience if you have any morals, as you should get help with some EMTS on hand at the venue.
But you’re doing a good cause, and helping somebody out.

You can then throw into conversation how you save somebody’s life.

“So how’s work? Work is good but what I am really passionate about is saving lives. Just last week I was at a concert….”

4. The Screamer -I get that people get excited but if you’re a screamer you need to gauge your surroundings. The general rule of thumb is to yell and scream before and after songs and during explosive moments in the song. Sporadic yelling is fun and if you’re confident enough with your humor maybe yell out a joke, as long as you’re not heckling the band or blurting out, “Play Free Bird.” Although I heard someone say that at a St. Patrick’s Day Bagpipe Parade which worked.

It’s the person who just screams for the entire concert. This person also typically seems to be the same person who decides to stand up when everyone is sitting down which is such a bummer if you’re sitting behind him or her.

5. The Fighter -I can’t remember the last time I saw this guy at a concert. I’m thinking the nineties, but you still got to be on your guard. One false move, like the spill of a drink on the wrong person’s shoe might trigger someone to go off. These guys typically exist at harder music concerts that are in a general admission venue. Although I once thought I was peeing in a cup and I was actually peeing on someone’s shoe that forced me to run out of the venue like the coward that I am. And that was at a String Cheese Incident concert so be careful.

Comments

There are 2 comments associated with this post

fletcher September 5, 2010, 22:10:00

Wow…I didn’t know I was at all of these concerts with you. Ah…memories. Hilarious piece. The “shirtless spinning male” is the kicker for me. I can understand spinning in a delirious frenzy during a face-melting “Bowie” jam…but still spinning during the acapella “I Didn’t Know”? Umm…ok.

fletcher September 5, 2010, 22:11:34

By the way…can I tell you about the time I met Gordon at Bonnaroo? It was awesome…he was in his golf cart..

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