More very special April first news from years past…

mole.down (2010)

The American Association of Plastic Surgeons is proud to announce its sponsorship of the latest addition to the 2010 festival docket, mole.down. Akin to the Wanderlust Yoga & Music Festival this event will place its focus on “elective surgery and those who elect to rock.” Performers will include Scarlett Johansson, Enrique Iglesias, Mandy Moore and Rasputin. mole.down will coincide with the AAPS annual convention in Seattle on October 23-27 and will be emceed by “the person who turned out to be the Celebrity Mole in Celebrity Mole Yucatan if we can find someone who watched Celebrity Mole Yucatan. Otherwise it’s Cindy Crawford’s gig to lose.”

Ticketmaster Will Sell Exclusively To Scalpers (2009)

In a move directly related to the controversial secondary market ticket practices of Live Nation and Ticketmaster, the latter organization announced today that in order to eliminate further confusion, it will begin selling directly and exclusively to scalpers. ‘We want to help the fans out as much as possible,’ said Ticketmasters I. M. Clueless. ‘We feel this will give the public a chance to go right to the source for their ticketing needs in a time-efficient manner, rather than relying on silly phone orders and pesky web sites.’ Public advocate and Jambands.com columnist David Steinberg responded to the announcement by questioning, And this is different, how?
As reported elsewhere, pending government approval, Live Nation will purchase Ticketmaster later this year for $700 million dollars and $500 million in service fees.

Dame Marco Benevento (2006)

In the You had to see this coming category, Marco Benevento has finally realized his dream of receiving British Peerage. Ticked off by fans constantly referring to his Benevento-Russo bandmate as Sir Joe Russo, the keyboard player spent last month in England, intending to rescue and return the lost pets of royalty hoping to be rewarded with his own honorary title. Failing that, fifteen eBay auctions later, Jambands.com is proud to introduce Dame Marco Benevento. When confronted with the information that Dame is actually the proper title for a woman, Benevento responded with a huff, “Well, the Order of Knighthood is traditionally given to a man and that didn’t stop them from awarding it to Joe.” Meow!

Gov’t Mule Announces Permanent Guitarist (2003)

After nearly a decade of speculation, Gov’t Mule has finally unveiled the identity of its permanent guitarist. Warren Haynes will now join the group on a full-time basis. Haynes beat out a long list of talented musicians who have vied for the gig including John Scofield, Derek Trucks and Jimmy Herring. Another frontrunner was longtime guitar tech Brian Farmer, who reportedly was very close to getting the job. ‘I was robbed,’ said a disgruntled Farmer. ‘The hair, the look, the style…that whole image is mine. I mean, Warren is okay, but he’s not me.’
The Mule plays next April 19 at Suwannee Bound in Live Oak, FL. For more dates, visit www.mule.net.

Alleged Jerry Garcia Guitar Surfaces, No Lawsuits Expected Over Lamb Chop

As litigation continues regarding the ownership and tax status of Wolf and Tiger, a New Mexico man has announced the discovery of a lost Garcia guitar he has dubbed Lamb Chop. Nicholas Gemini Sage Johnson III, a rain stick magnate claims that he designed the guitar for Garcia, who used it in some undisclosed parking lots during the mid-1980s. At least it was somebody who looked like Jerry, Johnson notes. At present, however, the provenance of the guitar remains suspect, as does the purported mother of pearl inlay which looks suspiciously like Sharpie marker. The design is oddly reminiscent of both a baby-sheep steak and the popular childrens sock puppet . A representative for the estate of Shari Lewis adds, This is wrong in so many ways.
‘Tiger’ and ‘Wolf’ will be on display at the Relix Auction Preview and Benefit at New York’s Theater 99 on April 11. There is no word on the possible appearance of ‘Lamb Chop.’